Saturday, December 30, 2006
Good reason this time, though.
Spent the last few days with the fam. It was amazing. I had loads of fun with everybody, got a couple of cool gifts, and ate some TREMENDOUS food. My brother made a brunch so good, I think I could have eaten forever. Crab quiche, creme brulee french toast (with Grand Marnier syrup), ham, and a giant fruit plate. I'm salivating at the memory.
And now I'm hip-deep in packing. I've managed to do something remarkable - I think I may actually leave here with LESS stuff! That would be sweet.
Headed to LA immediately after the show to ring in 2007. See y'all on the other side! Happy New Year!
Sunday, December 24, 2006
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off...my feet.
That knocks me off my feet.
I don't want to bore...you with it...
oh but I love you I love you I love you
- Stevie Wonder
OK, if you've ever met me, you know that I constantly joke about how I fall in love on the subway in NYC all of the time. But, in reality, I don't believe in love at first sight. At all. All that Romeo and Juliet stuff? Two crazy kids whose hormones were running amock. If they had lived past their first week together, they probably would have ended up fighting like cats and dogs, and one of them would have gotten dumped, and it would have made the whole Capulet/Montague feud worse. It's impossible.
...let's just say that I may have to readjust my thinking a teensy bit.
I mean, I'm not actually, you know, in love. I like this woman a lot. And I'm pretty sure that she likes me. But there's been no verbal acknowledgement of our mutual "like", no dancing together, no romantic kisses, no sex. And that's not even getting into the other obstacles...
Let me start at the beginning.
I went into the theater today, like usual, to start our stupid "warm-up", and there were only a handful of people there. And I started my spiel, introducing myself like normal, talking about what I do at TofC, etc.
And then she walked in.
I actually thought she was one of the students I teach at first (because when you see a young woman coming to see a play at TofC you automatically assume that she must have some connection to the company - young adults in this town don't see plays) so, in the name of politeness, I interrupted my speech and said hello. And she said hi back, but as she came into the light, I realized that (a) she was an adult, and (b) she was gorgeous. Totally my type. (L. Britt and/or Bright Eyes would probably snidely say, "blonde", to which I would say, "well, blonde isn't my type at all! - but yes, she's a blonde.")
And I, Mr. Cool Calm & Collected, never at a loss for words, always ready for the unexpected...I was completely speechless. I totally lost my place. I got a little flustered, tripped over my words, stammered, and actually said to the audience, "Have I said anything important yet?" It was embarrassing.
During the whole warm-up, she kept distracting me. She was sitting in the front row, and I would glance over the crowd, like normal, but I was always going back to her. And she was listening, and nodding, and laughing at my funny lines. And I kept getting thrown off. Like, five or six times. This never happens to me. Ever.
Even during the show, I was super-conscious of her. Very difficult for me to concentrate. I rarely worry about the audience when I'm acting, let alone one person. But this woman was throwing me for a loop.
At curtain call, when we bowed, I made a point of looking at her twice - once at the beginning, once at the end, right before I left stage. And she was definitely looking at me. Yay! Except now the show was over, and I would never see her again.
We go backstage, and the whole cast is gathered in the hallway talking about how shitty the performance was (it was really quite bad) and I mentioned that I was "in love" with this girl in the front row, and the stage manager runs up to me and says, "That's the assistant stage manager's best friend!"
When we came back at night for our second show, I mentioned to the ASM (who we'll call Amina) that I thought her friend was awesome, to which she replied, "Well, she was asking about you, too."
I won't bore you with the details, but it was determined over the course of the next couple of hours that our astrological signs matched, and that we would meet (with others) for drinks.
And we totally hit it off.
She's in a position of power. So much power, in fact, that I'm not even going to mention exactly what she does. But it's pretty impressive. She's poised, and intelligent, and fun, and beautiful, and I can't believe that I met someone like her, and that she was even remotely interested in me. Unfortunately, she's only in Cowtown for a couple of days visiting her mother, and she doesn't live in Brooklyn (although it's not too bad of a flight from there to where she resides) so I have no idea when I'll see her again. But I really hope it's soon.
Does this sound silly? Is it the alcohol talking? Is it the lonliness of Cowtown finally getting to me, after three months of having only Suri as a companion? Or maybe humans are destined to have experiences like this, crossing paths with people we find extraordinary, only never to meet again. And maybe you're just supposed to be grateful, and move on.
I don't know. I do know, however, that she made what was supposed to be an annoying Saturday...spectacular. And, even if I don't see her again, I'll carry the memory of this day with me for a long time.
Along with her card. ;-)
Saturday, December 23, 2006
I've also been more conscious of working out in the last couple of years because the men in my family tend to swell up shortly after they hit 30, and...let's just say that getting fat right now would be a bad thing for my career. (It could also have serious health ramifications, since certain diseases run in my family.)
So, for the past few months, I've been at the gym 4-6 days a week, generally busting my butt. And I can see a real difference. I've just got one "layer" of fat separating my abs from a six-pack, which would be tremendous. And I thought to myself, "Sure, Christmas is coming up, and with it lots of bad foods and less exercise, but if you make a committment, you can really make this happen!" And, with pilot season coming up, it would kind of be the perfect time.
So what did I do last night?
Went to the bar.
Had several drinks.
Stopped at Hardee's/Carl's Jr.
Ordered the Six-Dollar Philly Cheesesteak Burger.
It was so good. But I undid a day's workout in ten minutes.
Back to work, I suppose.
Friday, December 22, 2006
I'll try to get one more post up before they all descend on Sunday.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
The latest target of my anger is John Ridley. He's a screenwriter who has decided that he is the newest black intellectual. And he's airing his opinions in some pretty impressive forums.
Unfortunately, I think he sounds like a moron. (Cornel West would probably call him a nihilist, but I'm not as classy as he is.)
He wrote an article for last week's issue of TIME, called "Why I'm Good With The N-Word". I found it ridiculous.
Then, as I was flipping through my December '06 issue of Esquire (one of my favorite magazines), I found another essay by Mr. Ridley, entitled "The Manifesto of the Ascendancy for the Modern American Nigger". This one just pissed me off.
(I was even more disappointed when I found out that this was the man behind the genius of Undercover Brother, which is a severely underrated movie - though the ending kind of sucks.)
Anyway, the Esquire essay made me so angry that I'm actually contemplating writing a letter to the magazine, something that I rarely do.
The main thing this clown doesn't get? It's a lesson I learned as a child, and again as a teenager (see the bottom half of this post). It doesn't matter how smart, or articulate, or clever you are. You can try to disassociate yourself from "Blacktivists" and "niggers". You can even write them off, turn your back on them.
But to the people that truly are racists, to those who are uncomfortable with black people...guess what?
You are, and always were, and always will be just another nigger to them.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Unfortunately, there's kind of an open-door policy, so I may only start with a couple of people, and as the show gets closer, more people start wandering in. And some of them are old, and some people are talking, and occasionally a cell phone goes off. But, generally, if I have them listening for the closing speech, I'm able to hook them.
Yesterday, I was in a terrible mood. I was really sore (this play takes a toll on my body) and tired (which is another story) and I didn't particularly want to to a matinee. And when I got to the theater for the talk, there were no ushers to control the crowd. So I knew that there was going to be a lot of disruption.
There was a very small group of people there for the beginning, when I talk about the themes of the play. The majority of the crowd arrived right before my spectacular ending (which is great, because nothing ruins the ending like some people barging in). So I launch into my talk about the role of the audience, and people are engaged, and I started feeling ok. And I finished, and thanked the audience, and asked if any one had any questions about what I had just said, or for me personally (sometimes people want to hear my bio) or about the play.
And this sixty-something white guy, who was only there for the feel-good audience portion of it, raises his hand and says:
"Is the 'n-word' used in this play?"
I can't remember the last time I was (a) so shocked, and (b) so close to telling someone off in a public setting. Instead of engaging, I stared at him for a second, gave a curt, "No," and moved on.
I think that the rest of the audience was surprised, because there were no other questions.
I don't know if I can properly articulate to you why this upset me so much. I wished I had asked him why that was important to him, because now all I am left with are questions. I guess I just felt that I had spent all of this time talking about a very complicated issue, and this guy came in and reduced it to ethnic slurs.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Had an audition today for an old theater company I used to work for (haven't thought of a good name for it yet) - it's under new management, and the new top dog is a friend/colleague of mine, and I'm feeling pretty good about the prospects of being out there in the near future. I'm really excited about the possibility, although part of me is terrified because I've never worked there without either my good grad school buddy or the X (where we met). And I don't know if I could do two or three months there without them.
Anyway, I'll keep you posted on the gig. I probably won't find out for at least two months, although I'm scheduled to meet with someone when I get back to NY, which would give me a good indication of what the deal is.
Off to find some of that "sleepytime" tea to see if it works...
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Anyway, I have to give mad props to Suri, because she saved me from the Horny Older Lady. Suri and HOL were sharing a dressing room for a while, and apparently she kept saying, "I hope I get The Rover in Secret Santa. I totally know what I'll get him: thong underwear! Maybe he'll wear them for me!"
Maybe I'll douse myself with gasoline and set myself on fire, too.
HOL was also going through a phase a couple of weeks ago where she kept telling Suri the things she wanted to do to me, in graphic detail. And Suri would always say, "Look, HOL, you need to chill. And you need to not tell The Rover these things."
"But I can't help it. He's so hot!"
"That may be, but it's gross, and you're going to freak him out. So knock it off."
God bless Suri.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
I'm posting this little survey-thingy, but only because L. Britt did it. It was actually kind of fun - and amazingly accurate:
Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: SmooveB32
Monday, December 04, 2006
Some people have entirely too much time on their hands.
(I admit, I am usually one of them.)
However, what these people have the ability to create with this spare time? Genius.
The next time you have nine minutes to kill, check out this video of Darth Vader's nervous breakdown.
And let me know if you found this as funny as I did.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Please give. Give your money, or your time, or just spread the word. Do something. Thanks.
Now, read this article from the USA TODAY. It's about a month old, but no matter.
Why should you read it?
Because...um, I can't believe I'm actually typing this...well...
Apparently, YOUR government...is using millions of YOUR tax dollars to tell you to...NOT have sex.
Specifically, adults ages 20-29.
As this San Francisco Chronicle article states, this really makes me want to go out and have sex immediately.
I feel like there have been several racial flaps making news in the last couple of weeks. We had Michael Richards' classic rant in LA; the Michael Irvin "his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandma pulled one of them studs up out of the barn" comments (you can read the full text of his statements here; scroll down to item #7.); and Chiefs RB Larry Johnson saying that he feels more comfortable playing for a black coach.
I just get tired of all of the indignation and anger, you know? Unlike most white people, I deal with race every day. (More than I would like nowadays, since race is a theme in the production I'm currently doing.) It's frustrating (and interesting) listening to the various comments. My take?
- Michael Richards is an idiot. The "fork" comment he made may actually have been more disturbing to me than his use of an ethnic slur. It's not going to be easy watching Seinfeld reruns from now on.
- Michael Irvin is an idiot. He should be fired because he is an idiot. But I'm so tired of hearing the "it's-a-double-standard-if-he-were-a-white-guy-he-would-have-been-run-out-of-town" line. Let's not talk about double standards, ok? I don't think that's a conversation we want to get into. Oh yeah, and the irony of Irvin's statement? Cowboys QB Tony Romo, the man Irvin was talking about, is half-Mexican. Think "The Playmaker" would have made those comments if he had been aware of that? Again: idiot.
- I actually kind of understand where Larry Johnson is coming from, after reading his comments. Of course it's easier to take orders from someone who has been through some of the same things that you're going through. LJ isn't the most communicative of guys, though, and I think he was trying to take a shot at his previous coach - let's just say that they didn't get along. I think he could have articulated his thoughts a bit better, though.
In the ESPN article, written by LZ Granderson, I see his point. "The n-word" isn't part of my vocabulary, though I have said it (and probably will say it again) when rhyming along with my favorite rappers, on stage, and in front of a camera.
The main thing I think Granderson misses (and what many non-black people miss as well) is the intent behind the use of the word. Most of the time, if a non-black person is using the word, they are using it as an insult, trying to hurt someone. There really shouldn't be anything confusing about that. I think I brought up a lot of these points during my flap with MissFired back in April (it looks like she's taken down her site, to which I say...good riddance), but it's amazing to me how these issues never die...
Thursday, November 30, 2006
I'm thinking seriously about starting a sports blog. There are a lot of things in the sports world that I want to comment on, but I don't want to change the nature of F&G. And...I also don't want to feel obligated to write something every day. I like my lifestyle with as few committments as possible. Maybe that makes me lazy; I prefer to use the term "uncomplicated".
Off to balance my checkbook (am I the only person who does that anymore?) and buy some contact lenses online.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
To add insult to injury, it's also my dad's birthday.
I'll make the most of my day. One of my best friends from Sleepy Hamlet is a Cowtown native, and Suri and I are headed over there for their traditional Thanksgiving brunch. And I've also been invited to accompany the owners of the Guest House to their celebration. And I'm very grateful.
But it won't be the same.
The one bright spot, I suppose, is that I realize how truly thankful I am for my family, and the role that they play in my life. I'm also thankful for a lot of things, including:
- the ability to make a living in my chosen profession
- my fantastic friends
- The Steelers - even though they're 4-6, they did win it all last year
- the Democrats taking over Congress and hopefully starting to turn this big cruise ship of a country slowly in the right direction
...and, last but not least...
- all of you.
Thanks for sharing advice and opinions, and for your own stories on your blogs, and for the random e-mails, and for sticking up for me. It's nice to have a place to share your desires and feelings and thoughts, and it's even nicer when someone reads and appreciates them.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Sunday, November 19, 2006
She's very strange. She's a total tease - all over me in public, but set up very specific boundaries in private. (Put it this way - it was exciting if she would kiss me for more than 20 seconds straight.)
And she was always inviting herself to go wherever I was going. I would say, "I think I'm gonna grab a quick bite to eat," and she'd say, "Well, I'm off in a few minutes..." Always. Didn't matter where I was going, or who was going to be there.
She was jealous of Suri, who's simply one of my best friends, and would always be very possessive of me.
She constantly needed attention - if we were in a group, and I wouldn't do what she wanted (kiss her, hold her hand, buy her a drink), she would throw herself on the nearest guy to make me jealous (which didn't work).
And she pathologically refused to pay for anything. I mean, I totally expect to pay the first three or four times. But all the time? Once, when I mentioned that I was broke and couldn't afford to get her anything, she ordered an expensive glass of wine and then left and stuck me with the bill.
I think that she's lonely. She only has a couple of close friends, and whenever she would call me she would go on and on about her life.
The main issue was that she seemed to be taking this much more seriously than I intended. I was pretty straightforward throughout the whole thing - told her that I wasn't going to be in Cowtown past the end of the year, told her that I was still dealing with the after-effects of the X and that i didn't want anything serious or complicated. Maybe I have poor communication skills.
I don't think I've ever been this relieved to break things off with someone. I feel elated, and strangely guilty, because I'm pretty sure I hurt her feelings. She was a fun girl - we did have a good time together, when we weren't talking about the state of our "relationship". But it just wasn't working. And why should I knock myself out, when it's not going anywhere?
Saturday, November 18, 2006
I was dumbfounded. I'm not a violent guy, but, personally, if I had run into this dude, I would have punched the motherfucker dead in the face.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Girl drama continues. Jr. Miss is...well...complicated. I thnk she's a little bit spoiled, and she's used to guys mooning all over her. That's kinda not my style.
But the main issue is that she's pretty immature. I didn't think so at first, but as we hang out more and more I realize that I need someone who has a bit more direction. I mean, this isn't serious or anything, but if I am going to hang out with someone, I want it to be a person who is more on my level, you know what I mean? That sounds kind of conceited, and I don't want to make it sound like I think I'm better than her or anything. There's just a certain focus that you have at, say, 30, that isn't there at 20. At least, it wasn't for me.
I'm not a betting man, but if this continues beyond the weekend, I would be really surprised...
Friday, November 10, 2006
One thing that I did want to mention is that I was very encouraged at the number of young people I talked to who voted on Tuesday. Citizens of Cowtown were receiving little "I VOTED TODAY" stickers, and many of my under-thirty friends talked about who they had voted for. Equally encouraging was the fact that a lot of those young voters also did some research, going to places like vote411.org to find out info and make informed choices.
Maybe my friends and I are just getting older (and therefore a bit more aware and responsible), or maybe younger people in this country are starting to wake up. There are some polls out there that are suggesting that it may be the latter.
Off to see Borat - must find out what the fuss is about. The previews do look pretty good...
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Don't shave your head when you are in a rush. It makes a big mess, and it doesn't feel good. On the plus side, things do feel smooth back there.
Just had pictures taken for the paper - the photographer was very cute, and very nice, and she may have been making eyes at me. Of course, I'm never good with that kind of thing. Maybe the PR person will slide me her e-mail address. Or phone number. Ladies, would you welcome a call from a bald-headed man you just did some work with?
Off to prep for the show.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Horny Older Lady came up behind me and pulled my shirt up, exposing most of my upper body.
I was not amused.
Friday, November 03, 2006
The first was a lady we'll call Bella Italia. 'Cause she's European.
The second was a lass who shall be known as Jr. Miss. I haven't figured out yet exactly why she's called that - Suri and I were talking in code the other day and that was the name we came up with.
Both went well, I guess. No, I didn't double dip - or single dip for that matter. More explanations later, when I get some sleep.
Good weekend to all.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
HORNY OLDER LADY: Oh, you shaved your head for the show!
ME: Yeah, Suri and I cut it last night.
HORNY OLDER LADY: Can I touch it?
ME: Um, sure...it's kind of sandpapery, 'cause I haven't gone over it with a razor yet...
(HORNY OLDER LADY grabs at my crotch. I quickly swing my hips away, to avoid contact.)
HORNY OLDER LADY: HA HA HA!
ME: (running to corner, sits in fetal position, rocking back and forth) Bad touching, bad touching, bad touching...
OK, I made that last line up. But the attempted crotch grab - yep, that actually happened.
Monday, October 30, 2006
I comment on other sites occasionally, and one of the things that I hate the most is when someone posts as "anonymous". Now, I don't mind the fact that they are protecting their identity - a lot of people, including myself, conceal information about their lives for various reasons. What I hate is the fact that they run in, make some snide comment, and then take off, leaving you little chance to respond.
I just had a little back-and-forth with one such poster on Desperate Husband's website - click on the link to see the conversation. One of the points he brought up was why I choose to hide my true identity.
As long time readers of the site know, one of the reasons that I hide so much information is because the entertainment industry is very small, and talking smack about the wrong person can land you squarely on a blacklist. And, since my big paydays are most likely ahead of me, I'm probably better off holding my tongue. So that's why I have the cute names for the places I work in, and the clever handle, and why I sometimes will give a little misdirection on the things I am doing. For instance, I ended up on a new TV show (which probably will never see the light of day) this summer, and I had a couple of big auditions for some high-profile stuff. But talking about those shows and/or projects in detail could potentially get me (or other people) in trouble. Hence the cloak-and-dagger stuff.
ANYWAY...this is all a big preamble to the introduction of my latest obnoxious cast member. 'Cause one of the other reasons I remain nameless is so that I can talk smack about people like this...
We'll call this guy Big Brother. Why? Well, he's black like me, for one, and he's taken it on his shoulders to try and "show me the ropes" in Cowtown, both professionally and personally. Never mind the fact that I've been here before, and have some friends here, or that I've done more professional gigs this year than he's done in his whole life. No...he still has to tell me where I should get my hair cut, etc.
I want to smack him.
He's a terrible actor. Suri, who is also in the show with me, has indicated that they basically cast him because they had no other options.
He also has the most annoying habit of jumping on a joke when everyone else is finished. And then, to make matters worse, he'll carry the joke too far. Take yesterday, for instance. Our director was remarking on some fabulous new shoes she was wearing (and I could really care less about shoes, but they were pretty cute), and then everybody else says the usual; "Oh, how nice!". And then Big Brother jumped in.
BIG BROTHER: Yeah, Director, those are some very nice shoes.
DIRECTOR: Yes, I think so. I like them.
BIG BROTHER: Yeah, Director, you...you...you lookin' pretty trendy with those shoes on. The kids gonna say you a trendsetter!
DIRECTOR: Well...thank you, Big Brother.
BIG BROTHER: Yeah, Director, pretty soon...you...you gonna have those sixteen year old boys all up on ya! Yeah!
DIRECTOR: Huh. Well, that's why I have Suri.
It's gotten to the point where I can barely look at him, and it's gotten really difficult for me to carry on a conversation with him. I'm sure I'll have more ammunition soon, as we have two ten-hour days upcoming...
However, my new favorite political blog is courtesy of TIME's Andrew Sullivan, an atypical conservative.
Maybe I just like the fact that someone is talking about their political beliefs in measured tones, instead of trying to drown out everybody else. I think that I could actually have a civilized conversation with Mr. Sullivan about where our country is headed. We might even be able to agree on some things, if we talked long enough.
If I had had more exposure to voices like his when I was studying politics, I may not have changed course...
Friday, October 27, 2006
And then I remembered, as a kid, how whenever these things would come on the radio, I would roll my eyes in disgust, and beg my parents to change the channel. That music was for old people, I thought. I want to hear all of the new stuff.
So you can imagine how I felt when I put those two thoughts together. If I ever needed evidence that I'm a full fledged adult, this is pretty damning. I feel old.
Anyway, there are some people out there who are sinking pretty low in order to insure that Ford doesn't win. The RNC put together a television commercial that's generating quite a bit of controversy. Check out the commercial and the corresponding article here.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
It's been kind of a rough few days, which is why I haven't posted. I'm kind of tired of always putting negative stuff up all the time. I mean, this reflects my life, so if I'm in a funk, that's what you're getting. Wynter mentioned a while back, however, that there seemed to be a lot of frustrations and such, so I've definitely been looking for the positive.
In case you're keeping score at home, these past few days I:
- found out I probably won't be making it home for the holidays (both Thanksgiving and Christmas) for the first time ever
- broke things off with the X after two grueling, heart-wrenching two-hour-long conversations on consecutive days
- saw my bank account dwindle down close to zero
- watched the Steelers lose...again
- had a near meltdown in rehearsal - a story that I can't really get into on the blog for security reasons - let's just say that the play, while on track to be very good, is veering off in a direction that I never foresaw, and I can't quite get on track with everybody else
But, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that I'm pretty tough. I've got most of the next two days off, so I can concentrate on working on my script and exercising and eating all of the healthy food I got from Trader Joe's (my favorite grocery store). Maybe even sit in the hot tub of the Main House.
Hope that all are doing well.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Friday, October 20, 2006
I was on the internet looking for plane tickets (on kayak.com, my new favorite site for my travel needs) and I can't get to Grandma's house for under $500. And, for that $500 ticket, I wouldn't even get to be there for 24 hours.
I've never missed a Thanksgiving with my family in my life. The thought of not being there...well, I wouldn't call it devastating, but it's close. Extremely close.
When it rains, it pours, I guess.
My mind is like a gerbil in an exercise wheel, spinning around and around. I hate that. Little agitated tonight...bear with me...
I wish that I could turn to the back of The Book of the Universe, like I used to do with my textbooks in math class, and find out the answers to my life. Move across the country, or take the job offer in BFE, or chase the dream in Manhattan? Make the relationship work, or chase a lot of tail, or split the difference? Paper or plastic?
(That last one is actually easy - the answer is paper. Must be one of the odd-numbered ones.)
I came here to do my little show and to relax. I'm getting more than I bargained for, on every front. It's overwhelming. I had such a clear plan for my life.
It keeps disintegrating.
Sometimes it's my fault. Sometimes the fault lies with someone else. Sometimes it's no one's fault.
I had a conversation-turned-argument with X tonight, and one of the things she said to me was, "You always want things to be easy. Things aren't easy. You have to accept that." She's totally right.
I think that right now I just need to start going with my gut. I need to say what's on my mind, to go with my instinct, even if that is unorthodox, or incomprehensible to others, or "not the done thing". If I want to quit acting and become an accountant, I'm going to do that. If I think I should be naked in a scene, my pants are coming off. If I want to date a koala bear, I won't apologize to anyone for loving a marsupial. If I want to have Taco Bell for breakfast, I'm going to do that too. I already started following this principle tonight, turning down a flattering offer from an attractive young lady, because my instincts told me that it wouldn't be as simple as come upstairs and hang out for a while. And simple, right now, is just what I need. Forget the others. Focus on ME.
I have to take my life back. Stop reacting, start acting.
(Oh, the irony.)
(And, by the way, if you're reading this - and you know who you are - you should come clean about the fact that you are reading this. Like, right now. An e-mail will suffice.)
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Three of 'em.
Just hangin' out in the road.
Is it wrong that, aside from giving me a bit of a chuckle, it made me hungry?
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
The big things on my agenda for my day off? Grocery shopping, checking out the gym that just opened a few minutes away from the Guest House, and watching Friday Night Lights. I thought about learning lines, but figured that if I don't touch the script today, I'll be fresher for t'm'row.
I'm really excited about the gym. They were building it last time I was here, so I went with a gym close to ToC. That was great for lunchtime workouts, but it was really hard to motivate myself to drive into the city to go to the gym if I didn't have rehearsal. And it became ever tougher when I started doing shows. Who wants to spend an hour in the car - round trip - and then, after showering and eating, do the exact same trip again? It just wasted time and gas. So, if this new gym can give me a competitive price, I'm in.
Sleepy Hamlet trip next weekend - details to come...
Monday, October 16, 2006
You have to feel bad for the Cardinals, and especially Matt Leinart - he did everything he could possibly have done. And they lost. On a missed field goal. For the second week in a row. This one, however, was ten times worse.
At the same time, this is why I love sports. It's natural drama. This is the ultimate reality television.
Hope everyone's well. Real post coming t'm'row.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
I'm so disgusted that I could spit.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
I'm there now. Thanks for the concern. ;-)
Generally, when I do a show, I like to hit the ground running. I show up the evening before, go to the grocery store that night, unpack my food and clothes, and then go right to sleep so that I can be ready for rehearsal the next day.
The Theater of Cowtown, where I work, however, is not the most organized company in the world. They sent me an e-mail late last week telling us that there would be no rehearsal on Tuesday (or Thursday, for that matter), and that we'd just have a read-thru on Wednesday. Cool, I thought. I knew I would have a long day of flying on Monday, so I could just do all of my normal set-up stuff on Tuesday, and then get to work the next day.
Then my friend called. Let's call her Suri (same color hair as the Cruise baby - hey, give me a break...I just woke up). Suri works for the Theater of Cowtown (ToC for short) and was in the last show with me here. We did time together in Sleepy Hamlet.
"So, the theater doesn't have enough money right now," she informs me, "so we're not going to rehearse until Friday. They just need a few days to get their finances in order. Don't worry, we're still getting paid."
(Suri is the same friend who wanted me to go to LA with her, which she then pitched to me in the next breath like she had just written the Great American Movie.)
So there it was. I was staring three days in Cowtown, with nothing to do and virtually no one to talk to.
And, so far, it's been fantastic.
I'm a go go guy (not a dancer, ha ha). I have a habit of preaching the virtues of taking the odd day off, but I rarely do it. So it's nice to have a few days where I can be totally by myself, and do whatever I want to do. I went to the movies last night, I may go again today, I watched Friday Night Lights - and I agree with L.Britt's assessment of the show, it's fantastic - and got caught up on some prime-time TV.
Come Friday, I'll be chomping at the bit to go. And probably better prepared to do so.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
A whirlwind few days. Went to visit G'ma this weekend, which meant sleeping on couch cushions artfully positioned on the floor. Finished saying my good-byes in NY. Suffered through the Steelers' Sunday night debacle. Woke up at ten to six yesterday morning to begin my trek to the airport. Three flights, three time zones and 15 hours later, I found myself in Cowtown.
I have a good friend who works at the theater I'm doing this show at, and she very badly wanted me to go to LA with her. It's not a long drive from here, but it was long enough to make me question whether or not I wanted to spend any more time in transit. I felt bad, but I had to decline. Smartest thing I've ever done.
She actually almost had me convinced, in my jet-lagged stupor, last night. But I woke up this morning in the comfy bed in my guest house, and I realized, mere seconds after gaining consciousness, that there was no way that I was going to spend another night on a couch. My butt was staying in Cowtown.
Off to the grocery store for round two of shopping - don't you just hate it when you go to one store and they only have, like, 75% of the things you need? Terrible.
Monday, October 09, 2006
I keep thinking that I'll be able to relax, but it hasn't happened yet. Hopefully the buttery leather will finally allow me to take a deep breath. I have a feeling that I won't be totally loose until I get to the phat guest house in the 'burbs...
Off to claim my middle seat. See you on the other side.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
And I've now set up my schedule so that it will be as difficult as possible for me to get organized. I'm meeting a friend in the park at 2:30, and then I'm going to a class at 5:30, and then I'm seeing a friend play at 9, and meeting more friends for drinks at 10 (one of those friends is Bluto, meaning that it won't be an early night). And t'm'row I'm going to go visit my grandmother for the weekend. And then the Steelers play Sunday night.
So many things to do! So little motivation!
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
1. Do I stay where I am, and risk the inevitable possibility that the person will be waiting for me at the scheduled time, and they'll be annoyed because "we made plans"?
2. Or do you go to the appointed meeting place, and risk finally talking to the person and having them say, "Sorry, I had a meeting/went to lunch with the boss/didn't think you would actually come"?
Such a conundrum!
I've chosen option #1, by the way.
Update: The inevitable possibility of option #1 came true, meaning that she's pissed. Great work, Rover. Perhaps I should put my clairvoyancy to work picking football games, or playing the stock market...
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
I've been dealing with that for a while.
Some time back - I think it may have been in January - my X learned that I had a blog. She asked me what I wrote about, and I told her what was on it. She asked if I ever wrote about her. Not very often, I said (which was pretty true at the time - I had only just started blogging about dating then). She asked if she could see it, and I kind of gave her the run-around, told her I'd send her the address, changed the topic...didn't send it. Since then she's asked several times, and I'd always manage to change the subject.
The X and I (she really needs a better "handle") have been hanging out for the last month or so, trying to see if there's still a "there" there, if you know what I mean. The reasons that I haven't blogged about this are for another post, but for the most part things have been going well. Anyway, on Friday night, she kind of pinned me down, told me that she wanted to see it. I tap-danced for a while, but then she said something that kind of stopped me. "I want to know all of you," she said, "and if you're writing things in a public journal, I'd like to know that too. Even if I don't like all of it."
So I did what I generally do in these situations. I compromised. I agreed that I would show her a Word document version of my blog. (I've actually been meaning to do this - copy everything I've got - because I'm investigating moving off of Blogger onto another site, and I'd like to keep around the old posts.) I'm editing some of the identifying features - not referring to Cowtown or Steak City, or K Lance or The Rover - and taking out the links; all of the content, however, will remain intact. I told her that I didn't want to give her the web address because I was afraid that I might not feel as free to write if I knew she was looking at it. She agreed.
Actually, as I've been cutting and pasting all of these old entries, I've realized that I'm not ashamed of anything I've written. Why should I be? I think that I'm a pretty truthful person, and what I've put up here is the truth. At least, it's my truth. I mean, I don't think I would want Awkward Dude or the bratty kid from Steak City to see what I've written about them, but I think that pretty much everything else is fit for public consumption.
I'm curious to see what other people think about this decision (not that it's going to change my mind), as well as seeing if anybody else has dealt with this. Fire away...
Monday, October 02, 2006
As I mentioned in the previous post, I went to the Yankee game with an old friend of mine, from grad school. He and I were actually roommates for a couple of years as well. Let's call him "Bluto", after John Belushi's character in Animal House.
Bluto is totally the life of the party. He's extremely good looking (I've heard him described as looking Clooney-esque) and even more charismatic. He can drink you under the table and will party until the sun comes up. And this weekend, he was in rare form. We didn't meet any ladies at the Stadium, but after the game he wanted to take me out to explore the "scene".
And, for being in the Bronx, Yankee Stadium has quite a bar scene. And that scene has quite an impressive amount of attractive young women decked out in all sorts of Yankee attire.
Bluto immediately made eye contact with a girl across the bar and bought her a drink. So we met her and her four friends, who were up from Jersey. Have I also mentioned that Bluto also manages to find the most attractive women? I wasn't that impressed with the woman from across the room, but up close...damn. Soon, however, another lady grabbed my friend's attention, so he left me to hold down the fort with the four ladies. Now, I've got a little game, but not that much (and I'm not really looking for any action these days, which is a story for another day), so after about ten minutes I found myself without those four girls, fending off advances from another woman who had sidled up to me at the bar.
Bluto and I decided to head into Manhattan to meet up with another friend of ours, who (sticking with the Animal House theme) I'll call Otter. (You know, Eric Stratton, rush chairman, damn glad to meet you.) Otter is another great looking guy who is a fast-rising star in the entertainment industry. Let's put it this way - if I suddenly have to end this blog because I've landed a starring role on a TV show, it will probably be because of Otter. He's also a really attractive guy who has ladies all over him, but he's really looking for Ms. Right.
On the train, Bluto started chatting up more ladies. And this was just a warm-up for the restaurant we met Otter at, where Bluto ended up simultaneously chatting with six different woman - a table of three, a table of two, and the waitress. I think that between the Bronx and the gaggle of ladies, he scored three phone numbers. All before eleven.
But, at this point, I had consumed several beers (more than four, less than ten; I'm not really sure - let's say seven to be safe) and had to slow down. We had some other people meet up with us, and then I went about about 2:30 - they kept partying.
As I told my brother yesterday, Bluto is a great guy, and superfun to hang out with. But, if you do it on a regular basis, your liver starts to hurt. And, when we were living together, it actually started to disrupt my every day life. And there's no changing him, either - many women have tried, and failed. He's always been a good friend to me, don't get me wrong, but he's also that party guy who will probably never stop partying. You just have to love him for who and what he is.
You'll probably get one more post today...
I used to be a huge baseball junkie when I was a little kid. I remember being four years old and reading the sports page, struggling to pronounce "DeJesus". I played for ten years, going from being the worst kid on the team when I was 11 to the best when I was 15. But when my junior year came along, I realized that I couldn't do three hours of baseball practice immediately followed by three hours of rehearsal for the school musical AND keep my grades up. So I ran track instead (practice for that was only an hour and a half), and the dream died.
It's very similiar to what happened to my father, actually, He played all through high school. The Mets offered him a tryout contract, but my father turned it down because he wanted to go to college. He was all set to play with the college team when the coach came up to him one day. I obviously wasn't around, but, knowing my father, I beileve the conversation went something like this:
COACH: Sandwich, can I speak to you a minute?
DAD: Sure, Coach. What's up?
COACH: Sandwich, I noticed that you've got your major listed as engineering here. Is that right?
COACH: Well, son, engineering is a really tough major. Those classes are long and hard. Lots of math.
DAD: Yessir. I like math.
COACH: Well, our players generally have a...lighter schedule, so to speak. You should probably look for another major.
DAD: But, Coach, I want to be an engineer.
COACH: Let me put it like this, son. You're either on my baseball team, or you can study your engineering. (smirks) You get my point?
DAD: Loud and clear, sir. (pause) Good luck with your season.
I swear, sometimes I'm so much like my father, it's scary.
Kind of inspired to blog, so there may be a few new posts in rapid succession - especially since I will now be moving into full procrastination mode, to keep from packing...
Friday, September 29, 2006
Now, I know I make a big deal of being "anonymous" on here, not putting my real name or location, even though many of you know exactly who and where I am. (I've explained this ad nauseum in the past, but that's basically because the acting community is so small that I don't want to run the risk of pissing someone off who can get me a job - or torpedo my career.) But I thought that this picture was so good, that I had to put it up. So here it is - my new self-portrait:
Aren't I a handsome man? ;-)
When going in front of a group of people, make sure that you don't have anything hanging out of your nose. Especially when your nose is fairly large. Or if you're a "close talker".
There's really no excuse for not checking yourself out in the mirror before trying to land an important job. I mean, this person had to have blown their nose recently, right? That's the only excuse for...
I can't go on. It's too gross.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Less than two weeks to go - can you feel the excitement in the air, people?
I'm starting to get that overwhelmed feeling, you know, when you look around your room and realize exactly how much shit you really have? It'll be fine - I have plans to tackle the mountain of crap early and often - but packing wouldn't be complete without that little twinge of ohmygodohmygodohmyGOD!
In other, less scary news (and speaking of feeling something in the air), fall is here, and I love it. My favorite season by far. I don't know if that has to do with my birthday, or the arrival of football season, but if I had to live in one thirty-day period for eternity, it would be September/October. It makes me ready to wear jackets and rake leaves into neat piles and drink apple cider and toss around a football and run through those neat piles of leaves at full speed, sending leaves all over the yard.
Off to meet a pretty lady and introduce her to the pleasures of yoga. (No, that's not a euphemism for the Kama Sutra. Or something else dirty.)
Monday, September 25, 2006
Friday, September 22, 2006
Don't say you're going to do things...and then not do them.
Let's suppose, just for an example, that someone decided to have a birthday gathering. And they asked people to let them know if they would be coming. It would probably be a good idea, if you think there's a chance that you might flake out, that you shouldn't tell them that you're "definitely coming".
Well, perhaps the person wasn't planning on having a big party.
Perhaps the person announced the party on late notice, and, when several people said that they were unavailable, was thinking of postponing the get-together; but when a few of his friends said that they'd love to come, he decided to go ahead.
Perhaps the person sat by himself in the bar for an hour.
Perhaps only two people showed up at the bar during the three hours he was there.
And perhaps, perhaps, the boy who was throwing this party, normally a pretty stoic guy, was feeling pretty lonely that day, and just wanted to hang out with some close friends. And their absence only made those feelings worse. We might even go as far as to say that the boy's feelings were hurt.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Today is my birthday, and the phone's been ringing, and people keep asking, "What are you doing today?" And my answer feels boring: "Not much. Ate breakfast, checking e-mail, probably go to the gym, and then go hang out at a bar tonight - come by if you want."
It's so strange - the world (of course) is going on as usual, and yet I always feel a tiny bit different. Why is that?
I also feel different because I am staring thirty straight in the face. That means that, at this time next year, I will officially be a grown-up. (In my mind, at least.) It means I've got to get going on my career. It means that I probably need to make decisions about the ladies.
Thank God that's all a year off. ;-)
See some of you at the bar tonight...
Monday, September 18, 2006
- My computer. I've gone a week without it. I've been trying to press the old laptop into service, and tonight is the first time I've been able to get it online. Good thing I got a new one, huh?
- My job. Auditions are finally starting to go the way I want them to (meaning, I'm actually doing well in them) but now it seems like they lose interest the second I walk in the door. Another one of those today.
- My finances. I thought that I had reached the point where I wouldn't have to live paycheck-to-paycheck anymore. My bank account is telling me differently. Turning down that job has had massive financial consequences for me.
- Tonight's Steeler game. Nothing going on offense. On the bright side, it's farther down the list than it would usually be.
- My living situation. I miss living by myself, in a clean place. And the knowledge that I have a swank pad in Cowtown just three weeks away makes it even worse.
- (last one, I promise) This blog. I really enjoy posting here, and having people come by and comment. And then, when I don't post for a week here or ten days here, people stop coming by. I really want to be posting four or five times a week, but when you have to go to a computer store to get online, that kind of makes that hard to do. I may actually start posting my old journal entries, just to keep the flow here.
Hoping that the laptop will be back soon...
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Wanted to put up a 9/11 post, but I just couldn't deal with it. When I eventually write it, I'll postdate it and let you know when it goes up.
Also had an asthma attack at the gym this morning - that was pretty scary. And it totally impressed my trainer.
Only bright spot is that I'm being taken to see Usher in Chicago this evening. I'll let you know how it is...
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Now, normally, would I feel a little bit bad about spending my entire Sunday watching TV? Yes. Even though I've been a football fan since birth, there's always something a little odd about spending 11 hours in front of the boob tube. It kind of makes me want to run-not-walk to the nearest gym and do crunches until I throw up.
But today was a little different.
I've been hired, on a provisional basis, to write about football by a new website. And not by some amateur effort, either - these guys are honest-to-goodness professional sports journalists. I'm going to do a few trial assignments for them and then, if everything goes well, they'll move me up to the big time. There's no pay in it for me yet, but there very well could be in the future, if things work out the way these guys want it to. And they've got a pretty good plan.
I've really been looking for something creative to do that suppliments my acting income. Writing is something that I've always dabbled in, and it's really flexible (a must, with my schedule), so it was natural to look for something in that area. And to get to write about football? It really doesn't get any better than that.
This won't take away from my blogging (or lack of it, ha ha); I'm hoping that it will actually push me to write on here more often, in an effort to keep the engine warm. Once things get going, I'll post a link to the site, so that you can read my (hopefully) insightful comments.
So, you see, my little football-watching orgy was totally justified. I'm still going to the gym t'm'row (more on that later), but I won't be working off the guilt. And that feels great.
Hope that everyone had a great weekend.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Just finished writing an e-mail to my old roommate in Brooklyn. Here's the situation: she told me that I needed to pay her for my share of the bills. I paid it online. The money disappeared from my account. Now she's telling me that she never got the money, etc.
She's a nice girl, but my bullshit detector is going off - something just isn't right about this. I'm trying to work through my bank to get this resolved, but I'm refusing to give her another check, because (1) I don't have a good feeling about this, and (2) even if I didn't, I can't afford to. I'm barely scraping by as it is.
Chalk another one up to the heartless bastard! ;-)
Two parties this weekend. I like parties because I don't have to spend money at them. Probably won't be as adventurous as last weekend. I'll keep you posted.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Went to a friend's wedding in Denver this weekend. I really like Denver. Spent a few summers here. The city's got a great vibe, and I have more friends here than I think. I'd jump at an opportunity to do some work out here - anybody got anything?
The wedding was a lot of fun - I met the coolest woman ever. The bride (my old friend) had been telling me for years that I needed to meet this lady - "Have I got a girl for you! You'll love her!" And, of course, I did love her. I hate it when my friends are right. Another reason to work out here, right?
Also got a chance to hang out with Little Miss Runner Pants this weekend - she was in town visiting an old friend. We went to a "dueling piano bar", which is much more fun than it sounds, and then braved drunken crowds and horny drunk guys (her friend gave out her number twice in five minutes, and we also managed to get some free fries) at a diner.
I drank copious amounts of alcohol on both nights and got about 11 total hours of sleep. So I'd call that a successful weekend.
A handful of random thoughts:
- Thanks much for the kind words of support. I'm no longer guilt-wracked, though I do feel badly. The decision was made for the right reasons, and I try to remind myself of that whenever I think that I'm a jerk.
- Is my football team star-crossed or what? Big Ben has to get his appendix out and is going to miss two games. Crazy. Even though they won the whole shebang last year, I still live and die with this team. Incredible.
- Speaking of football, I watched three episodes of "Two A Days" on MTV yesterday while I was waiting to get pretty for the wedding (I was trying to nap, but it just didn't happen). I highly recommend it. You get the inside look at high school football, plus all of the high school are-you-looking-at-my-boyfriend drama. I'm totally hooked. Just when I think MTV is starting to pass me by...
- My birthday is coming up, and I'm looking for a fun group activity that won't cost an arm and a leg, and also facilitates conversation. Any ideas? Is bowling still considered fun?
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Remember GISS (Girl I'm Sorta Seeing)? I broke things off with her tonight. We've had kind of a funky relationship - opposite coasts for the past eight months. We were never really together (hence the "sorta" label), and I was always really honest with her - about how I felt, what I was doing, if I was dating, etc. People would always ask me about the future of the relationship and I would always say, "We'll see what happens when we get into the same place." Just tried not to worry about it, you know? We'll see what happens down the road.
But then, about a week ago, I had a conversation with her, where she mentioned three things:
1. Her sister felt like we shouldn't be talking, because I was bad for her.
2. GISS would get extremely jealous of me spending time with other girls.
3. We had been doing...this...whatever...for almost a year.
It was the third one that really got me. Here I am, in this quasi-relationship for a year, and where is it going? Do I really want to be with this person? Is she the love of my life? Am I in love with her?
Sometimes, when you start asking the hard questions, you wish you hadn't asked them.
And then, there's this (and no way for me to say it without sounding like a dick): I think she was more into it than I was. And for a while (until last week) I merely took the position, "Well, she's a grown woman, and I'm telling her the truth, so that's on her." But then my brother made an excellent point - if you care about someone, are you really going to do things that hurt them? "If you don't give a shit," he said, "then keep doing what you're doing. But if you really care about her, you probably shouldn't let things go too much farther, if you don't think you're going to end up with her."
She's awesome - she treated me very well, supportive, sent me care packages, likes sports, and...well, I was very happy with our "quality time"...like off the charts happy. But there were little things that got on my nerves, and at the end of the day...she's a great woman, but I just don't think she's for me. So I had to pull the trigger. Which I've only had to do twice before in my whole life - girls normally break up with me. I thought it was supposed to be easier on this side...
When will I stop feeling like an ass?
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Either my life is no longer compelling (a distinct possibility) or summer has pulled everyone away from their computers and into the great wide open. Which is not necessarily a bad thing.
Back from a great trip home. My brother showed up, too, so all of us were together, which doesn't happen very often. I got to go to a baseball game, see some old high school buddies, and make a couple of work connections. I think there's a decent chance that I may actually get to work near my hometown. That would make my mother's year.
The only thing that sucked was my plane flight home - we were delayed for an hour and a half due to inclement weather in New York. I generally don't mind airports, but I've been travelling so much lately that I just want to get where I'm going as quickly as possible. So I wasn't a happy camper. But I made it back safe and sound, and that's what's important.
I probably should go to bed, or work on the sides for my upcoming audition, but I'm too antsy. I was hoping to go out with a friend tonight, but I think she's probably headed to bed. And I don't really have anyone in the neighborhood that shares the kind of hours I do. (Actually, I really don't have any friends in the neighborhood.) So I guess I'll just aimlessly surf the internet for a while, until I feel like falling asleep. Anyone know of any new exciting blogs I need to look at?
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
So I'm sitting at JFK, waiting to fly home for the weekend. Should be good times. I've got an audition for one of the hometown theaters, and the fam and I are going to go to a baseball game, so I can finally see New Hotness Stadium. The city built it a few years ago, but I've never been home during the summer (this is actually the first summer I haven't had an acting job in seven years, which is a ridiculous streak), so I'm pretty excited.
And, of course, I'm flying the world's most perfect airline, JetBlue. Buttery leather seats, extra leg room, DirecTV...this is how you're supposed to fly. And I get to fly them next weekend, too! Almost makes me WANT to travel. Almost.
Catch y'all on the flip side.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
...it was actually good!
Not, like, Oscar good. But good in a popcorn kind of way. Satisfying, if you will. A classic disaster film - you know what you're going to get, and it does it fairly well. It also helped that our audience was fantastic. If you can hear people commenting on the commercials, or actually booing the previews, you are in good hands. It's got to be a group that's willing to applaud when they see the title on screen, and whoop it up, etc.
So...(I can't believe I'm saying this)...I think you should go see it! Seriously.
Friday, August 18, 2006
Mostly a good conversation - not contentious, though very sad at times. I guess the worst thing, for me, is that I kinda feel like I want to be in a relationship with her, that most of the problems that we've had in the past have come from (a) insecurity or (b) not being completely honest. And those are VERY hard things for me to admit - especially when the rest of the world thinks that this relationship is a bad idea.
That's all for now - I'm so tired I actually fell asleep on the train. That never happens. More later.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
I'm a journaler - a person who journals, whatever. And whenever I write in my journal, I have a little ritual. I look at the date I last wrote something, and then I look at the current date, and then I read all entries in my journal between those dates, in chronological order. Example: if I'm writing today, and I last wrote on July 14, I'll read everything dated between 7/14 and 8/17, starting in 2000 and working my way back to the present.
I do this because it's nice to see what was going on in my life at those times. Sometimes I detect patterns - relationship drama in June, for instance, or money woes in November - and sometimes I feel like I have no connection to the words I wrote just a year or two before. And, occasionally, I may read entries from other dates. Then I make my entry into the journal, and that's that.
Today I received some news concerning my X that, while not unexpected, nonetheless completely threw me for a loop. I put on a brave face, but I was pretty upset. And I stewed in my bad mood all evening - South Park and Drawn Together and Colbert doing their best to pull me out of it. I knew I was going to write about what I was feeling, and I was thinking of writing each emotion on a different line. And I thought, "Hey, I did that before." So I went back into my journal and found that entry - January 4, 2004. Three days after X and I broke up.
And guess what?
The words on the page...matched the exact feelings I was going through tonight.
Which is completely, utterly ridiculous.
This is an excerpt. ( I said I was spilling my guts, right?)
...I guess I'm feeling so many different things right now I can't tell what's valid and what's crap. Just making a short list, I feel:
- unworthy (of love/human affection)
I could go on, but I fear the list makes me look crazy...
...I guess I'm just frustrated, because I did my homework. I went back to NY and I partied and dated and hooked up with girls, and now I know that I want to be w/X. And it was hard for me to do all of that stuff, and I beat myself up over it every step of the way, but I did it, and I learned a lot, and I found out the answer. And I finish the exam and hand it it...and when I look back at X's paper, she's barely finished the first question. So am I suppposed to sit here and wait for her to finish? I want to be with her, but I want to be with her now. And if I'm not with her, I have to start getting over her...
...Here's what I don't get - if you love someone you want to be with, why would you let them go? I don't know exactly what X has to do - is it just other guys? - but why can't she do it while she's with me? I'm tired of thinking about this and dealing with this...
OK, it's not an exact match, but it's pretty close.
So, tonight, I decided that, no matter what happens when I see X on Friday, something has to happen. I don't know which direction I'm going to go - but I have to go somewhere. It's been two and a half years of standing still. Inertia. It has to stop.
I've never shared anything from my journal before. Thanks for reading. And, hey, keep it to yourself, all right?
Monday, August 14, 2006
8 weeks left in NYC. I was supposed to go to a city college and perform and teach, but it overlapped with a job I'm doing in Cowtown at the end of the year, so I turned it down. A reprieve for Queens! Now I need to decide whether or not I should take a job.
Flying all day t'm'row, so you'll hear from me on Wednesday.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
The thing that I'm most excited about is having a drink. Due to some ridiculous rules, I wasn't allowed to consume ANY alcohol at all while working in this program. So you know that I'm gonna have a couple of drinks tonight. Sweet sweet beer...how I've missed you...
I keep misspelling words, which is a sign to me that I need to take a nap. More soon (for reals)...
Thursday, August 03, 2006
So we continued e-mailing, but a few weeks after I left she got back together with her old boyfriend. They've been kind of off-again on-again, so I didn't think too much of it. And I thought, hey, when I come back to the Hamlet, they might not even be together. Maybe she could be Mrs. Rover.
(I've had this thing, ever since The Wedding of the Century, that I wonder who Mrs. Rover is. Have I met her before? Is it someone from my past? There's some stat that says that 95% of people have met their future spouse by age 25. Who is she? I'm not in a rush to settle down...but I'd really like to know who she is.)
Anyway, I let her know that I was back in town, and she sent me a cryptic e-mail, and I replied, and she wrote back with confirmation - she's pregnant. Guess that's not going anywhere, huh? I'm sure I'll still talk to her. This wasn't anything that I was banking on - I'm just a smidge disappointed because I was really interested to see where this would have gone. But, hey, best of luck to her and the baby and the baby daddy.
Besides, I've got a lot of ex-flames to see in this town. More on this soon...
Thursday, July 27, 2006
- Counting Crows
It's always weird, coming back to the Hamlet. I have such mixed feelings about this place. On one hand, it's great to see all of my old friends, and go to my favorite restaurants, and see the awesome cocktail waitress at my bar. But on the other hand, the ghosts of my friends who are gone float over everything that I do. I suppose that it might be better if these friends would come up and visit at the same time as me. But, alas, we can never seem to work the kinks in our schedules out.
Did a lot of odds and ends today - dentist, eye doctor. Visited an old friend (who I've had the biggest crush on for the longest time, but it's not gonna happen). Had coffee with a colleague to learn more about this program I'm doing. Talked to an old flame. Chased internet access - how will I survive two and a half weeks without internet in my room? It's not possible.
More soon. Especially if I can figure out a way to get online in my dorm...
Monday, July 24, 2006
Off to Sleepy Hamlet t'm'row for three weeks of educating the youth of America. It's going to be weird being back there for a long period of time. My previous trips, I could rationalize not being involved in the shows: "I've got a couple of days off," or, "I haven't started rehearsal yet." But there will be no getting around the reality this time. I'm not sure how it will feel.
Not that I've been a champ at posting anything lately, but my presence online will be even more sporadic while I'm there - I'm pretty much working 16 hour days, so I'll be pretty exhausted when computer time comes around. I'll try to put short blurbs up, but don't expect too much of my keen insights or anything. (This, of course, means that you'll be treated to three straight weeks of thousand-word posts.)
Keep it real...
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Tonight, while I was trying to get home to Queens, we had a crazy experience where a train stopped and made everyone get off several stations ahead of the end of the line (to make matters worse, the station was outside, so we all had to leave the air-conditioned train whooshing us to our homes and stand in the still, muggy, soupy air). And then, after about 15-20 minutes, they brought in a new subway car on a different level, so we all ran down the steps and got situated in the new car. And THEN, after 5-10 minutes in the new car, the conductor announced that the train was actually going the OTHER way, so we all had to get off again and run back up the stairs and squeeze our way onto a jam-packed train. I actually had a little girl standing on my foot.
So, as you can imagine, I was a happy camper when I got home.
The weather is putting a lot of stress on the electrical grid. We had flickering lights several times this evening, and there were reports that there was a fire underground (I actually did see smoke pouring out of a manhole, which is not something you expect to see in July; January, maybe). I live in constant fear that my AC is going to shut off. If that happens, I won't sleep at all, I can promise you that.
This heat makes me anxious for my three-week sojourn to Sleepy Hamlet to educate the masses. I leave a week from today - technically, now it's six days...
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
(Pause while you scroll down the page and verify that fact.)
And, if you're got a really sharp memory, you may remember that I didn't post a whole lot last summer, either.
(Pause while you flip through last year's archives to verify that fact.)
There's just something about hot weather that makes me...well...lazy. I feel like I can't get anything accomplished. I just want to lay around all day drinking refreshing beverages, like mango lemonade, or a cool Corona w/lemon. Hence, my writing suffers.
This fact is really frustrating when it comes to my journals. I look back to see what I was up to and I find whole months missing. It's kind of like being out of touch with a person for a month or two. If I could travel back in time, I would visit my then-self and gently remind him to write down what he was thinking/feeling, so that we could remember it later.
I'd also tell him to bet heavily on the Steelers in '05.
Yesterday I got phone numbers from two ladies. Actually, if I'm being accurate, I got a phone number from one young woman, and gave my phone number to the second.
Pretty pimpish, right?
However, I must confess my reasons for doing so.
I did not ask for their numbers solely because they were hot chicks that I wanted to get with - although I do.
I really asked for their numbers to prove a point to myself. Mainly, that it's ok for me to start talking to someone that I don't know. I'm sure that I've asked dozens of women for their numbers in the past, but more often than not the relationship has been facilitated by another person - frequently the woman whose number I receive.
I'm just not good at starting a conversation. A couple of my female friends keep telling me, "You're attractive enough so that you should be able to walk up and start talking to anyone you want." I don't believe them.
And the other thing is...I just don't want to be seen as the skeezy guy who rolls up and says, "You know, I like every muscle in your body. Especially mine." Or, "Excuse me, miss. Are those space pants you're wearing? Because your ass is out of this world!" Not that I'd roll up with lines like those, but I feel like women can smell a man hitting on them a mile away.
So what ends up happening is, to avoid becoming the skeezy guy, I make myself seem like the really nice and friendly guy. Someone who is nice, and caring, and sensitive (but still manly). And then I make my move. Except that, 90% of the time, I get trapped in the Friend Zone.
(Note: I really am that nice, sensitive (but manly), caring guy. It just comes across a little differently if I want to make out with you.)
Anyway, yesterday's events mean that, perhaps, I'm turning over a new leaf. I'll let you know how the "dates" go...
Sunday, July 09, 2006
See? This is why I don't make concrete plans more than a month in advance!
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
I don't feel much like celebrating.
I feel, today, on our country's 230th birthday, as if I don't have much of a place of my own. And I don't mean this in a housing sense, in any type of physical sense. I guess I feel lost in the shuffle of life.
No one really called me and asked me if I wanted to be included in their 4th plans. This is not to say that I couldn't have picked up the phone myself and said, "Hey, what are you doing? Mind if I tag along?" I've done that very thing before, and I'm sure that I'll do it again. If I want to amuse myself, I usually find a way. (One person did call me and asked me to do something. That person is no where to be found. I already left one message; I'm not going to go begging for them to hang out with me.)
But, being back in "my city", I have no sense of community, no circle of friends who I can rely on, you know? I used to have that here, the first time around. I had a great group in Sleepy Hamlet. I've always had one, wherever I was. But here - the old bonds aren't there. Everyone is married, or moved away, or doing their own thing. And I'm still floating.
I actually really wanted to hang out with my X today - not necessarily because I want things to "rekindle" between us so much as I wanted to spend part of the holiday with someone that I'm really close with. But she had some project stuff that she needed to work on...and then she wasn't able to work on it as much as she would have liked, and she had to cancel our plans, and so the entire afternoon that I waited around for her was all for naught. (She felt bad, and she apologized, and because my feelings were hurt I didn't really respond right away, and then she cried, and then i felt bad for hurting her feelings.) I'm sure that part of my funk has to do with my relationship with her - things that I want that I'm not getting/will never get from her, etc. But that's all part of the larger issue - I feel adrift.
I know that I'll wake up t'm'row and feel fine. I've got plans t'm'row and Thursday. I've got an audition this week and job prospects on the horizon. Part of me is really looking forward to getting back to work, to (gasp!) getting out of New York. I'll totally be ok. I guess I just have to wallow in the depths of my emotions for a while. That's ok, right?
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Not that I'm looking for that right now, mind you.
I've settled in yet another borough - so far, so good. One of the X's roommates also has a lease on a place out here, and no one's in the place (long story), so I'm helping him out for a month by subletting, and he in turn is saving my ass by giving me a place to live.
The place is cool. I have my own room, which is a nice change from the living room I was sleeping in, and the two guys who are here are very friendly. It's been a long time since I've lived with guys. That sounds like a weird statement, but it's true - it's been something like 3 1/2 years. Nice to have roommates who are just as crazy about sports as I am.
Went to the old Brooklyn apartment yesterday evening to collect the last of my things. Looking around that place, I realized that it was best that I go. The place is filthy, that kind of years-old grime that is almost impossible to scrub away; the cabinets are falling apart; the roof is leaking; the building is in need of a facelift.
And, most importantly, I was never comfortable there. Sure, I loved the neighborhood, and my friends were nearby, but the place itself never won me over. (Part of that might have been influenced by the crazy cats I was living with.) At least here I feel at ease, relaxed. Home. And part of me is excited to come back here in January and find a place of my own, either by myself or with a roommate. If I actually end up back here next year, that is.
My iPod looks like it's ready, so I'm going to try and load my music onto this computer. Wish me luck...
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Why is it on?
Because, my friends...I have my new computer.
A gleaming new MacBook. Fully souped-up. Picked up Microsoft Office and a new iPod while I was at it, thank you very much.
So...do you know what this means?
It means...that you finally will be able to see pictures from my kick-ass vacation.
Pictures like this. -->
Prize to the person who can tell me what city this is in. Bonus if you can tell me where.
One more thing that must be done - I must name the new computer.
She's the new love of my life (in part because of how much coin I dropped on it...I mean, her; in part because there's no other prospects on the horizon), and she needs a new name. It was tough for me to pick the gleaming white model over the gleaming black model (insert Bright-Eyes' joke of choice here), so it needs an ethnic-sounding name. I'm feeling Egypt right now, so I'm thinking Isis. Check out a pic of the MacBooks and give me your suggestions, please...
Living situation post coming t'm'row...I just had to tell y'all about this one first...