changing the paradigm (i need a nice girl)

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that I tend to experience...ahem..."girl drama".

If you know me in real life, you would probably agree that I tend to date CRAZY women.

It's true. I don't deny this. I tend to have a weakness for icy, bitchy, beautiful women, who are mean and/or selfish. Or flaky, flighty women who have random mood swings and do irrational things that freak me out. Like print t-shirts with my name on them. Or plan spontaneous trips to visit me when they know I'm dating someone else.

Yeesh. It looks worse when I type it.

Anyway, I'm trying to actively change the type of woman I date. Some of the qualities that I'm looking for can't be changed; for example, it is impossible for me to date someone who hates theater. Or who isn't honest. Or has a flat butt. But I'm trying to put more of an emplasis on women who value some of the things I do: family, courtesy, tact.

Sports.

Above all, I'm looking for someone who is nice. I used the phrase "big-hearted" recently - not sure that I've dated someone like that since high school.

I had an encounter a few weeks ago that showed me I'm making some progress.

I'm in Brooklyn on a Friday night, and I passed a beautiful woman with an Afro on her cell phone. I am intrigued. I get to my destination, and as I wait outside I see her again. Still on her phone. She smiles. I smile. She approaches me.

PRETTY WOMAN W/AFRO: Excuse me, can I ask you a question?

ME: Of course.

PRETTY WOMAN W/AFRO: Would you mind doing me a favor?

Uh-oh. Alarms bells going off.

PRETTY WOMAN W/AFRO: I'm trying not to run into my ex-boyfriend, and I think he may be inside this bar. Would you mind going inside and checking to see if he's there?

Now, obviously, I'm thinking BULLSHIT. Obviously, this woman is just looking for an excuse to talk to me. It's a lame one, but I'm kind of impressed that she came up with something so...so...dumb. And, you know, having a pretty girl make dumb excuses to talk to me is kind of awesome. It makes my ego feel good. So I decide to play along.

ME: Uh...sure.

PRETTY WOMAN W/AFRO: He's got dreadlocks. He's really corny-looking.

"Corny-looking"? Really? What the hell does that mean?

ME: Uh...ok.

PRETTY WOMAN W/AFRO: Oh, thank you. You are so nice!

I go into the bar. It is Buppie central. (Black Urban Professionals, for the uninitiated.) I walk the length of the bar. There is exactly one guy in the place with dreadlocks - and he's the DJ. And, if a girl's ex-boyfriend is a DJ, she's going to say, "Look for the DJ."

Armed with this information, I return to the front, where she is still standing (and still on her cell phone).

ME: The only guy in there with 'locks is the DJ.

PRETTY WOMAN W/AFRO: Was he real corny-looking?

ME: Uh, I don't know...sure.

PRETTY WOMAN W/AFRO: Yeah, that's him. You are so nice! Thank you!

We exchange names and chit-chat for a bit, and then she moves off to finish her phone call. My friends arrive (The Flying Squirrel and her friend). We walk through the club, decide that it's not our scene, and head across the street. I see my new friend walking away down the street. Too bad, I think. I had been planning on asking her to join us.

We go to the bar across the street. As we enter, I'm thinking, "She was cute, and she was obviously interested in you. And it's New York, so if you see someone you like, you need to go for it!" I excuse myself and head back out into the street.

No sign of her.

I walk in the direction where I last saw her.

Nope.

I walk around the entire block.

Nothing.

Oh well, I think. I cross the street and prepare to head back to my friends...when I see her coming towards me on the street. Still on her phone. I approach her:

ME: Excuse me, Pretty Woman W/Afro?

PRETTY WOMAN W/AFRO: (to person on phone) Hold on a minute, Darnell. (to me) Yes?

ME: I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to get a drink or coffee sometime.

PRETTY WOMAN W/AFRO: Hmmm. Well, I don't know. You were acting kind of stuck up back there.

Um, what?

ME: I don't know what you mean. I was waiting for my friends to arrive, and when I turned around you were walking down the street. I was going to ask you to join us.

PRETTY WOMAN W/AFRO: Hmmm, I don't know. Well...how old are you?

I tell her my age.

PRETTY WOMAN W/AFRO: Okay, okay, I'm thirty, okay, that works. Well...what do you do?

It is at this point that I seriously consider walking away. These are pointed questions. I feel like I'm being interrogated. But, hey, I am a guy who follows through. In karate, as a kid, the tenth rule was ALWAYS FINISH WHAT YOU START. I must finish this. This is how I roll. So, against my better judgement, I answer:

ME: I'm an actor.

PRETTY WOMAN W/AFRO: Okay, okay, so that means you must be creative. You look like someone who can sing.

Um, what?

PRETTY WOMAN W/AFRO: Okay, okay, I could go out with you. Yeah.

ME: Well, how should we do this? Should I take your number, or do you want to give me yours, or can I give you my card...?

PRETTY WOMAN W/AFRO: A card? That's just so impersonal. (to person on phone) Darnell, I'm going to have to call you back.

Yes, that entire conversation took place WHILE SHE WAS ON THE FUCKING PHONE.

We exchange info, I go inside and hang with my friends.

I tell this story twice over the next two days: first, to a group of female friends, who are vehemently opposed to me going out with her. "If she's going to make you jump through all those hoops now and play these games," one friend says, "she's going to do that the whole time, You don't want to mess with that."

The second time was at our annual Mother's Day brunch: my brother, sister-in-law and I drove up to New England to have brunch with Voice & Sandwich, Grandma, my aunt, and my cousins. After the story, my mother looks distressed. "I just don't like this," she says.

ME: So you're saying you don't trust my taste in women?

VOICE: YES!

We all laughed. It was kind of shocking, hearing that from my mother. And eye-opening.

So, of course, I call this woman on Thursday night, as I'm headed out for the evening.

At this point you're probably thinking, where are these changes? This seems like another pursuit of crazy.

Well, yes.

But as the phone was ringing, I found myself hoping that she wouldn't pick up. When she called me back the next evening, I didn't pick up. And a couple of days later, I deleted her number from my phone, without calling her back.

If she treats a stranger like that, is she really the nice girl I'm looking for?

It took me a while to get there, but I consider this progress.

a questionable Facebook conversation

I became a fan of In-n-Out Burger on Facebook. The following is the exchange that took place with a friend of Ginger's (who flirted shamelessly with me at her wedding).

THE FLIRT: awe, you and i share the same passion! i eat there about once a week. are you [out west]????

ME: [Bluff City] right now, unfortunately...so far away from my beloved In-N-Out. How are you?

THE FLIRT: great, thanks! are you in a show there? what are you up to now? come to cali and get out of the cold and enjoy some in and out with me. :)

bathroom woes

written via text message

ME: any news on the bathroom?

MY ROOMMATE: kinda, waiting for a roofing guy to come by tomorrow.

ME: Awesome. And by awesome, i mean this sucks.

post DNC critique

Ginger and I exchanged text messages after hearing Obama speak at Mile High - she has important friends

ME: Did you see [our friend] on TV?

GINGER: Yep! Cool, huh? I got my aunt a ticket at the last minute. She now owes me for life!!

ME: Nice work. Did you go?

GINGER: No. It meant more to [my aunt]. But I watched. Great speech.

ME: Yes. Even pat buchanan was gushing.

GINGER: Nooo!

ME: Yeah. Shocking.

GINGER: It definitely showed that we would have a strong president with him.

ME: Exactly. Very presidential. And nice job going after mccain.

GINGER: I would have been able to get you a ticket, but it would have been last minute.

ME: I would have loved to be there, but I was just too exhausted to be on the road any longer.

GINGER: He made McCain look like a doddering nice old fool. S'okay. Maybe we can get u into the inauguration! :)

ME: That would be the best! [Our friend] should start pushing for a job...

GINGER: He doesn't want it. [His friend] will likely get it though.

ME: Meaning that he will move up. Why does he not want it?

GINGER: I think he lies. I think he'd take it in a heartbeat.

ME: I would. I'd run through a brick wall for that man.

GINGER: Maybe he should join Team [Rover].

ME: We are always looking for good people...

my family's ritual

via text message

DAD: We are home

ME: Good! Talk to you soon...

a compliment

via text message

MAXINE: (A friend) said you're a catch! And i had to agree.

ME: Oooh! I'm flattered...

i'm back (again)

via text message

MY FRIEND: I just saw someone that looked like you. What's loose?

ME: Hi sister! Did I forget to call you back? I'm in Sleepy Hamlet!

MY FRIEND: No. I have retardation. When are you coming back? Tell everyone I said howdy!

my roommate misses me

via text message

MY ROOMMATE: Hanging out on the hammock with the tikki torches. Come back to BK.

ME: Oh, i wish! The kids arrived today...

an actor talking to the audience

MY FRIEND: Yay!

ME: O, there's more! Just you wait...

MY FRIEND: Grin!

out and about in Fox City

in my brother's car

MY BROTHER: So this must be the cool spot of Fox City. The traffic is terrible and all these people are acting the fool.

ME: Yeah. Look at those people in line for something. What is that?

MY SISTER-IN-LAW: It looks like a premiere. That's why they're all in front of that board.

(silence)

ME: Um, does that guy's shirt have sequins on it?

MY BROTHER: Yeah - what is that?

ME: Um, it's the state of New Jersey.

MY BROTHER: Classy.

not a good sign

via text message

FRIEND OF ROVER: Hey what ya doin 2 nite? I have an extra ticket to opening night of (her play)

ME: I'm coming! They set aside a bunch of tickets for us. So I'll see you at the opening party...break legs...

FRIEND OF ROVER: Thanks dont have any expectations! It is ...fine

see comments for explanation

smack talk

via text message

LIL' BIT: How does it make you feel that I am ahead in scrabulous? Secure?

ME: I didn't look today. But hey, a stopped clock is right twice a day. :-)

LIL' BIT: You know better than to underestimate me...

ME: Right...

LIL' BIT: Just face the truth.

ME: That I will win? Ok.

LIL' BIT: Um no.

ME: So sad.

LIL' BIT: Yes you are sad.

ME: There are a lot of tiles left. I have you right where I want you.

LIL' BIT: Too bad I am currently AHEAD and you are currently in DENIAL. Talk is cheap

ME: Agreed.

no soup for me

I was all excited earlier in the day because I thought I was going to be moving into a new two bedroom apartment. I had to do a lot of leg work to get everything lined up, but now I had finally gotten everything into position. Now I just had to call the landlord to officially see the apartment (which was still being prepared to be put on the market) and I was set.

Except, when I called the landlord, he said, "Oh, that apartment's gone."

Um, what?

"It was rented. Where were you last week?"

Um, I CALLED YOU. AND YOU SAID IT WAS OFF THE MARKET.

"Well, I'm sorry. I have a one bedroom in that building for $1100."

That's eleven hundred dollars per month. No thank you.

So...back to square one.

it's been one busy month

Well, I made it to the end of September. And I made a lot of posts. Hope you've liked reading them.

I've gotten feedback from a couple of you that I need to be posting more often, that you like the daily updates, so I'll try to oblige as much as possible. I've still got five weeks left in Valley City, and I'm not really going to be doing a whole lot; therefore, chances are good that frequent entries will continue.

Today was a pretty lazy day - I laid around and watched football and followed baseball games on the computer. Then I went and did a hideous run of the show - you win some, you lose some. I think one of the reasons I was so tired is that I partied with Trouble last night. We had an interesting exchange last night:

TROUBLE: God, my hair just looks terrible. My highlights haven't grown out yet - it looks horrible.

ME: Well, I have a confession to make. I lie awake at night, thinking about your highlights.

TROUBLE: Great. Well, actually, I have a confession to make, too. A real one.

ME: Okay...

TROUBLE: So, I've kind of started dating (her old RA).

ME: Okay. So, does that mean that nothing's happening with us?

TROUBLE: Probably not.

ME: All right.

TROUBLE: You know, I just think he's a better option for me, since he's not leaving in a month.

ME: True.

TROUBLE: Of course, I'm moving in six months...so I don't know.


Then she proceeded to flirt with me all night. Don't you just love the kids? It's ok. She's really hot, but I'm kind of enjoying my absolute freedom now. I like not really having any prospects. Besides, I still feel really bad about the Snapple thing.

Enough from me. I'm going to check up on some blogs (I'm currently obsessed with the archives of One D At A Time, which you should definitely NOT read at work) and then hit the sack.

quote of the day

I'm walking to get some food with my friend (who doesn't have a F&G name yet, but will). We're walking next to each other. From the other direction comes an older black lady, probably in her 60s. She looked at me - I was wearing shorts - and said to my friend:

"I don't want to disrespect you, ma'am, but your husband has got some beautiful legs!"

Obviously, my mojo is unstoppable.

marriage is sacred, right?

If you've ever been around people in the entertainment industry, you know that the idea of "fidelity" is kind of fluid.

It really shouldn't be surprising. You develop these emotional attachments as characters, which sometimes spill over into real life. (I can't tell you how many crushes I've had on women who have played opposite me.) And, you know, you're on the road, far away from home, and you're kind of lonely, and you spend all of this time with the same eight people, and you all go to the bar together after work. And one of them is kind of cute, and you talk about some racy topics, and then everyone else is gone except for the two of you, and before you know it, you're making out in the hallway of your hotel.

I've been on the road for a couple of years now, and the one thing I've learned is that when people are involved in a show or movie, romantic connections tend to happen. And they tend to happen regardless of whether or not a person is attached. Or engaged. Or married.

(I've actually been fairly good in this regard - only twice have I ever done anything which could be regarded as questionable. And one of those was with a girl who swore to me that she was breaking up with her boyfriend...which she then didn't do. So I think I get a pass on that one.)

One of our favorite activities here in Rockport is to guess which actors are sleeping together. There's a crew of about six or seven actors who tend to frolic with each other - late night naked swimming, joint showers - all sorts of stuff. And Snapple and I and Snapple's roommate, who is a friend of mine from years past here (let's call her Wonder Woman), tend to get together, and laugh about it, and say tsk, tsk, how ridiculous.

So you think we'd be in the clear, right?

After yet another state-of-the-relationship chat with Snapple this morning, she went home and I showered. When I checked my phone I saw that she had called. I figured that she was going to apologize, or ask some type of questions, so I called her back. But instead of sounding upset or concerned, she was very excited.

SNAPPLE: Guess what?

ME: What?

SNAPPLE: I found an open box of condoms in the living room!

ME: WHAT?

SNAPPLE: Yeah! And I found the receipt for it, too! It was dated August 4th!

This means that what Snapple and I suspected, but couldn't bring ourselves to believe, was true - Wonder Woman was messing around with one of our castmates, a talented and highly respected local actor.

Who is engaged.

It's really hard for me to be disappointed in these circles. But today, I am.

UPDATE: It appears as though nothing happened. Apparently the box of condoms were not opened, and they were bought the day before. This is significant, as Wonder Woman had a guy coming into town the next day. So...now we think nothing happened.

UPDATE II: Snapple and I actually caught the dude coming out of Wonder Woman's room at 8 in the morning on our last day in Rockport. So...I was right.

update

(If you haven't already, read the post below to get up to speed.)

Here's the text-message exchange we had last night, over the course of several hours, and after I tried calling her a couple of times:

LIL' BIT: I'm not coming. I'm going to cancel my ticket.

ME: I think that's a good idea.

LIL' BIT: I'm also not speaking to you indefinitely.

ME: Because...

LIL' BIT: I hate you so much.

ME: All righty then...

(I was really loathe to make any response - I mean, what am I supposed to do if she hates me? Beg forgiveness for something I'm not sorry for? But I felt like I had to say SOMETHING...)

LIL' BIT: I'm so glad you want to know why.

(And she was SO obviously bating me with this response. But I hate not knowing things, so I pressed on...)

ME: Well, I would...

(no response)

ME: ...but I'm not going to beg you for one. I'm in the middle of a really demanding show. So if you want to lay it out in an e-mail or voice mail, please do. If not, then I guess that's how we'll have to leave it...though that's not my choice...

LIL' BIT: Because I love you and I can't get over you. And I want to so much because you can move on.

ME: I understand and respect that. You have to do what's best for you.

LIL' BIT: Well I guess that's it then. I'm glad one of us is happy. Do I need to leave town when you're here?

ME: Of course not. [Your town] is big enough for both of us for a few days.

LIL' BIT: Is it? I don't know.

ME: Well, I'll give you your space. And you know how to get a hold of me...

LIL' BIT: Don't worry. You won't hear from me anymore.


Wow.

In re-reading all of this, I wonder if I was a little too harsh. But, honestly, I'm not in love with her, never told her I was in love with her (or even said "I love you"), and was pretty honest and open about how I felt about things at all times. So, even though I feel like a bit of a heel, I'm glad that the message has finally gotten through.

vacation diary pt. V

It's the end of my trip.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I'm on the LIRR. Picked this over taking the subway - it's cleaner, it's faster, and it's much more comfortable. Totally worth the extra $3 I spent.

Plane flight back was ok. Kind of bumpy, and our TVs in our row went out halfway through the flight (so I missed Pardon The Interruption, which did not make me a happy camper), and I was seated next to another chatter (what is it about me?), so it could have been better. The chatter forced me to keep my headphones on at all times, even when I was reading, or sleeping.

I just want to be left alone. Is that too much to ask? Or have a hot seatmate. Instead, I always get kids, or hippies, or new moms with their agitated babies who latch onto me, or old folks...go figure.

Once, when I was flying to Sleepy Hamlet, I ended up having to sit next to a woman who literally spilled into the seats on either side of her. I spent the entire flight leaning into the aisle. The worst part was that the woman on the other side of her had accidentally sat in the wrong seat, leading to the following awkward exchange when the actual person showed up:

STANDING WOMAN: Um, I think you're in my seat.

SQUISHED WOMAN: Oh, really?

STANDING WOMAN: Um, yeah. But you can just stay there, if you want.

SQUISHED WOMAN: No, it's your seat, I should move.

STANDING WOMAN: Um, well, I don't want to make you get up. But it's up to you...

SQUISHED WOMAN: (after a brief pause) I'll move.

Good times.


I really have to pee.



So I had a great time in LA. Every time I visit I debate whether or not I should move there. (You surely remember this epic debate. Or this one. Or this.)

Of course, the question is not "if", but "when".

Anyway, it was great to see all of my friends. And I had a really good time with Li'l Bit. I've come to the conclusion that I really never gave the relationship a fair shake. There are a couple of things she does that drive me frickin' crazy (you don't always have to compare what someone else is doing to what you're doing!), but I have so much fun with her, and I can completely be my stupid, silly, dirty, zany, horny self around her. And she likes it.

But now, it's back to my real life. And that's always the strangest part about returning from vacation - going back to normal. Of course, in my case, normal is only five weeks, before heading off to Rockport...

Hope that you liked these...

"i'm learning"

Went to DC the other day. The intent was work-related (which was positive; I won't talk of it further because I don't want to jinx anything), but I did manage to squeeze in dinner with the Power Broker. Would you expect any less of me?

Originally I was intending to spend the night. We spoke last week, and everything seemed cool. I sent her a text two days before giving her my itinerary.

She asked me if I needed to spend the night at her place. I thought that was strange, since we had already discussed it, but I wrote back, "Yes, please. If that's ok..."

Her response, "Sure."

The next day - less than 24 hours before my scheduled departure, she calls me and says, "Listen, I'm really sorry, this totally slipped my mind, but I think I should tell you that I'm going out of town the day after tomorrow, and Boyfriend-Not-Boyfriend is going to drive me to the airport, and he's going to stay the night. But, you're totally welcome to stay. If you want."

Needless to say, I changed my ticket.

But I digress. I'm not here to analyze that part of the story. (Although, if you would like to, go ahead.)

We met for dinner last night. And things, as usual, were pretty close to perfect. Good food, great conversation, booze, witty banter and flirtation - great.

But, this time, I was a bit better prepared. Emotionally, that is. And so, towards the end of our meal, I asked her about BNB.

ME: Why aren't you actually with him?

POWER BROKER: Do you want this week's reason? It's a long story...

ME: The short version is ok.

PB: Well, he said from the beginning that he didn't like the term "boyfriend". And even though we basically act like it, it's just not a permanent thing. And he's never seen it as a long term thing, from the beginning.

ME: OK...

PB: And I thought for a while that there might be some potential, but in the last six months or so, I've decided that, even though we're great friends, it's not going to happen. I'm not in love with him. He says it best - we're just not emotionally compatible.

ME: So...why are you still with him?

PB: Well...it's a learning experience.

(I seriously fight the temptation to roll my eyes. I think I am successful.)

PB: I'm learning and growing, and he is too. But when he leaves to do his project, he's going to need all of his focus on that. I'm sure we'll still be friends, but that will be it. And it will have been three years - since it's not going anywhere, that's obviously enough.


Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...

Obviously, I'm not waiting on this one.

Don't get me wrong. I like her. I'm virtually certain that she likes me. We're still going to continue to see each other every few weeks. We have both talked about re-evaluating the situation in the fall.

But it's clear that she had some pretty serious feelings for this guy, at some point - if not now. And it seems like she's making one last-ditch effort to see if anything's going to happen on that front, before she gives it up entirely. Which is fine.

I also have the sneaking suspicion that this guy might be a bit of a smooth talker, a wordsmith, a playa. At the very least, he seems to have a unique view of the world. Part of me really wants to meet him, so I can size him up, figure him out. The rational part of me wants to stay as far away as possible.

I'd love to hear everybody's thoughts on this one.

It's late, and I have a killer day t'm'row. I'll try to write more this weekend - there's a lot going on.

and another one!

Conversation with the horny older lady in my show (there have been several disturbing conversations, but this is the latest - and maybe the grossest):

HORNY OLDER LADY: Oh, you shaved your head for the show!

ME: Yeah, Suri and I cut it last night.

HORNY OLDER LADY: Can I touch it?

ME: Um, sure...it's kind of sandpapery, 'cause I haven't gone over it with a razor yet...

(HORNY OLDER LADY grabs at my crotch. I quickly swing my hips away, to avoid contact.)

HORNY OLDER LADY: HA HA HA!

ME: (running to corner, sits in fetal position, rocking back and forth) Bad touching, bad touching, bad touching...


OK, I made that last line up. But the attempted crotch grab - yep, that actually happened.