right round, baby, right round

Post #250, by the way, right here. Yay me.

My mind is like a gerbil in an exercise wheel, spinning around and around. I hate that. Little agitated tonight...bear with me...

I wish that I could turn to the back of The Book of the Universe, like I used to do with my textbooks in math class, and find out the answers to my life. Move across the country, or take the job offer in BFE, or chase the dream in Manhattan? Make the relationship work, or chase a lot of tail, or split the difference? Paper or plastic?

(That last one is actually easy - the answer is paper. Must be one of the odd-numbered ones.)

I came here to do my little show and to relax. I'm getting more than I bargained for, on every front. It's overwhelming. I had such a clear plan for my life.

It keeps disintegrating.

Sometimes it's my fault. Sometimes the fault lies with someone else. Sometimes it's no one's fault.

I had a conversation-turned-argument with X tonight, and one of the things she said to me was, "You always want things to be easy. Things aren't easy. You have to accept that." She's totally right.

I think that right now I just need to start going with my gut. I need to say what's on my mind, to go with my instinct, even if that is unorthodox, or incomprehensible to others, or "not the done thing". If I want to quit acting and become an accountant, I'm going to do that. If I think I should be naked in a scene, my pants are coming off. If I want to date a koala bear, I won't apologize to anyone for loving a marsupial. If I want to have Taco Bell for breakfast, I'm going to do that too. I already started following this principle tonight, turning down a flattering offer from an attractive young lady, because my instincts told me that it wouldn't be as simple as come upstairs and hang out for a while. And simple, right now, is just what I need. Forget the others. Focus on ME.

I have to take my life back. Stop reacting, start acting.

(Oh, the irony.)

(And, by the way, if you're reading this - and you know who you are - you should come clean about the fact that you are reading this. Like, right now. An e-mail will suffice.)