It's Friday night, and I've been sleeping on my couch.
Am I getting old?
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
concrete jungle where dreams are made of
Note: I wrote this on my last night in NYC with the intention of putting it up here - the face that it's taken me a month to post this should give you an idea of how busy I've been. A full explanation will be coming shortly; all sorts of new fun stories, people!
I moved to New York just over eleven years ago. I vividly remember my first night unpacking all of my things, hooking up my computer to a phone jack by stringing a telephone cord across a hallway, being afraid to open my windows, and not believing that I was finally living here.
Tonight is my last night in New York. I don't know how much my feelings about this place have changed; I just know that I'm changed. And all that enthusiasm I had for subways and traffic and crowds is now focused on sky and trees and grills and dogs and space.
Much like that night, I know that I am on the precipice of an extraordinary adventure; an undiscovered country lies ahead of me. But I am so much of a better person for the life that I've lived here, the experiences I've had, the things I've seen, the people I've met...oh, the people. So many that have touched my life in so many different ways. I am grateful for them all.
Sometimes I feel as if I should be sad, mostly when I say goodbye to someone I care deeply about, like my sister-in-law, or the Flying Squirrel, or my brother - the only one who has been here every step of the way with me. But the goodbyes come, and my eyes stay dry, because in my heart of hearts I know that this is right, that I have to leave, to have new adventures and experiences. It's my time. I have to seize it.
I am excited to be going forth, but I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the imprint this city had on me. Has. For better or worse, New York City has made me who I am, and I am proud to carry that forth. I always will be.
I moved to New York just over eleven years ago. I vividly remember my first night unpacking all of my things, hooking up my computer to a phone jack by stringing a telephone cord across a hallway, being afraid to open my windows, and not believing that I was finally living here.
Tonight is my last night in New York. I don't know how much my feelings about this place have changed; I just know that I'm changed. And all that enthusiasm I had for subways and traffic and crowds is now focused on sky and trees and grills and dogs and space.
Much like that night, I know that I am on the precipice of an extraordinary adventure; an undiscovered country lies ahead of me. But I am so much of a better person for the life that I've lived here, the experiences I've had, the things I've seen, the people I've met...oh, the people. So many that have touched my life in so many different ways. I am grateful for them all.
Sometimes I feel as if I should be sad, mostly when I say goodbye to someone I care deeply about, like my sister-in-law, or the Flying Squirrel, or my brother - the only one who has been here every step of the way with me. But the goodbyes come, and my eyes stay dry, because in my heart of hearts I know that this is right, that I have to leave, to have new adventures and experiences. It's my time. I have to seize it.
I am excited to be going forth, but I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the imprint this city had on me. Has. For better or worse, New York City has made me who I am, and I am proud to carry that forth. I always will be.
Monday, June 21, 2010
ten things i learned on vacation
1. I'm good at traveling
I went on a ten day excursion to Sleepy Hamlet and Las Vegas - two very different climates and two very different atmospheres. And yet I managed to fit everything into a carry-on-sized bag. Winner.
I also left my laptop at home, relying on my Palm Pre and iPod Touch, and had no internet access in Vegas other than my phone. If you've ever met me, you know that's a minor miracle.
2. I can't treat my body the way that I used to
One of the few positives of my crappy temp job is that since I don't take lunch breaks (because I don't get paid) I bring healthy food to work. I've kind of shifted into a grazing mode: a handful of almonds and cranberries here, an apple there, a turkey sandwich at lunch. Occasionally I'll have a bag of chips or some chocolate, but that's the exception to the rule. Dinners have been pretty light - mostly chicken or fish with some vegetables. I've also been working out pretty consistently these days, and I've cut back on the drinking.
On vacation?
Multiple drinks most nights. I got completely hammered at least three times, and had one of the worst hangovers of my life. On a different morning, I woke up still drunk from the night before. I ate loads of red meat and greasy food. Salt. Fat. Sugar. Very little exercise (unless you count "twelve ounce curls" as working out).
Five years ago, I could eat that without skipping a beat. Now? I feel sluggish, bloated, slow. I went grocery shopping tonight and I've never been so excited to buy fruits and vegetables. This must be a sign of me getting old.
3. I'm ready to go back to Sleepy Hamlet
The first leg of the trip was spent in my old stomping grounds, and I had a great time. My man Leprechauna Jones and his lady came up from LA. I stayed with an extremely cool chick who we'll call The Prodigy (another story for another time). I saw all my old peeps. Everyone had such nice things to say to me, and more than one person said, "They need to bring you back here." Normally I just laugh stuff like that off...but this time was different.
I hate admitting that I want acting jobs, because that opens up a whole can of worms, but I really want to live there again, to work there as an actor. Never thought I'd say that.
We'll see if it happens.
4. I miss having a community
One of the reasons that I love Sleepy Hamlet is because of the network of friends I have there. Not only do they know me, but they know and like each other. I feel like I have a real clump of people who have my back. I love them like family. It was really hard to leave them this time...but then I went to Vegas and met up with my actual clan...
5. My family is remarkable
I had a great time in Sleepy Hamlet, but it was exhausting. I really wasn't looking forward to spending four days in Vegas for a birthday party/family reunion. I've got some crazy family members who get on my nerves, and I was afraid that it was going to be a disaster.
Instead, it was delightful.
I spent some quality time with several cousins that I hadn't seen in years. We ate, we drank, we gambled, we sang, we prayed, we laughed. And I was really reminded of my legacy. I am related to some remarkable, talented, intelligent people.
One experience stands out. We had a Father's Day brunch on Sunday, and my brother had already agreed to sing one of his songs. As always, my cousin who generally plays the MC tried to get me to perform something. My attitude is generally, "Why? Who wants to see a monologue out of context?" But she kept badgering and badgering, and finally I relented. I got up in the little room we had reserved and busted out forty lines of my best Shakespeare.
I have never received such an ovation in my life.
If you've never had the change to have several generations of your family applaud you and give you hugs and pounds and kisses, you really have to do something to make that happen. It's an amazing feeling. To be able to share your art with your own flesh and blood - and to have them get it, really get it...wow.
The coolest part was that my brother played after me, and then my father got up and said that he was proud of us, and proud of the whole family for working to make it possible for us to get to the place where we're able to share our gifts. He talked about talents of previous generations who didn't get the chance to shine due to various circumstances, and said that my brother and I are reminders that you can really do anything you want to, if you're willing to work hard. It was really great to hear him verbalize that. I don't know that I've ever been prouder of my dad.
So yesterday was a great day. Then I hopped on a redeye back to New York, got home at six, crawled into bed at eight, and couldn't stop my brain from racing. Because, over the past few hours, the following realization had crept over me:
6. I'm not in a good place
While the validation from my family was great, in some strange way it magnified the misery I've been feeling lately. I hate this temp job with a passion, and I feel like it's keeping me away from doing what I want to do. I had just spent ten days with two great communities that I belong to...only to come back to New York and realize that I don't have one here. Sure, I have great friends here, but they're all individual friendships; there's no greater connection to a whole.
On the female front, I've been rejected by girls I liked twice in the past two weeks, and I kept having this visceral reaction in the pit of my stomach whenever I would see couples holding hands, or kissing. At first, I thought I was just turned off by PDA a little more than normal, but as I thought about it more and more, I kept returning to the horrible conclusion that I first blurted out to my therapist a couple of months ago, which is:
7. I want to be in a relationship
It really hurts me to admit that. I feel like I'm supposed to be independent right now - after all, I was with Maxine on and off for almost eight years, and during most of those "off" times I usually had someone around. I feel like I'm supposed to be ok with being alone. But I have to face facts, and confront the truth: I would really love to have a partner.
You know what the worst part of this is?
8. It's logistically impossible for me to be in a relationship right now
I realized that truth last night, after reading an e-mail from The Prodigy telling me that she wasn't interested in having a relationship with me. Now, there's a bit more to the story than that, but nevertheless my feelings were really hurt. After thinking it through, however, I realized that my travel schedule over the next few months and my economic condition isn't so conducive to a healthy relationship. Sure, I could make something work long-distance, but I've already done that, and I don't know if that's the kind of relationship I want right now.
9. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be in New York
Something else I realized in my talks with The Prodigy (it was an intense few days) is that I'm not sure how much longer I want to be here. I'm not living the kind of life I want to lead. My competitive nature is the one thing keeping me here; I feel a need to prove that I can compete with the best actors in the world, and land parts in high profile projects. But I'm broke, working a lousy job for lousy pay, and I'm not auditioning right now, and my apartment (while a great deal for the city) is tiny and expensive. I just keep thinking, "Why am I doing this? For what?"
Why shouldn't I move to a smaller regional city, like San Francisco or Seattle or Washington or Denver or Minneapolis and work a lot and teach on the side? I could have an apartment, get a teaching job, meet a nice girl and settle down and get married and start a family. Why not?
Because, if I never gave New York a fair shot, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I don't want to be 55 looking back and saying, "Oh, I could've done this and that, blah blah blah." I want no regrets. So, every though I deny myself pleasure after pleasure, I have to keep pushing. It's immensely frustrating.
So, in summation, what did this week teach me?
10. I have no clue where I'm going
For most of the past decade, I've been able to tell you what I'm going to be doing five years from now. Not with any freakish degree of accuracy, mind you, but I could say, "I'm going to be an actor based out of New York, and I'm going to be with Maxine." Breaking up with her last fall changed all that. Suddenly my life had no anchor. I was free to move in any direction I wanted. Sometimes that has been pleasant, but most of the time I've felt paralyzed. I suppose, however, that recognizing this is some small victory. You have to know where you are before you know where you're going, right?
Two things to close with. Yesterday, I was sitting with my mother in the hotel room. She was trying to give me money, as usual. As usual, I was trying not to take it. But my poverty trumped my pride, and I relented. My mother bent down, cradled my face in her hands, and said, "I just hope that you find whatever it is that you're looking for."
I almost bawled. I have no idea how I held it together. I think I muttered thanks and looked away quickly, but I was just in amazement that she could see right through me like that. I guess that I shouldn't be that amazed. She is my mother, after all. She just wants the best for me.
Which brings me to the other thing.
We got goodie bags for the whole weekend, and much of our swag was cancer-related. (Several of my family members have battled cancer, so many of us are involved in cancer fighting charities.) This was the night of my massive hangover, so I was feeling particularly crappy. I took the bag from my cousin, who pointed out something in their that she didn't want me to lose. Perched on top of the purple tissue paper was an elastic bracelet wrapped in plastic. In the center of the bracelet was a grey bead with a single word printed on it.
It spoke to me. It was just what I needed. I ripped open the plastic, and put it on my wrist straightaway. I'm wearing it now.
It's a reminder. Things may be tough now...but tomorrow brings endless possibility, of brightness just around the corner.
Hope.
That may be all I have, but it's a pretty powerful something.
I went on a ten day excursion to Sleepy Hamlet and Las Vegas - two very different climates and two very different atmospheres. And yet I managed to fit everything into a carry-on-sized bag. Winner.
I also left my laptop at home, relying on my Palm Pre and iPod Touch, and had no internet access in Vegas other than my phone. If you've ever met me, you know that's a minor miracle.
2. I can't treat my body the way that I used to
One of the few positives of my crappy temp job is that since I don't take lunch breaks (because I don't get paid) I bring healthy food to work. I've kind of shifted into a grazing mode: a handful of almonds and cranberries here, an apple there, a turkey sandwich at lunch. Occasionally I'll have a bag of chips or some chocolate, but that's the exception to the rule. Dinners have been pretty light - mostly chicken or fish with some vegetables. I've also been working out pretty consistently these days, and I've cut back on the drinking.
On vacation?
Multiple drinks most nights. I got completely hammered at least three times, and had one of the worst hangovers of my life. On a different morning, I woke up still drunk from the night before. I ate loads of red meat and greasy food. Salt. Fat. Sugar. Very little exercise (unless you count "twelve ounce curls" as working out).
Five years ago, I could eat that without skipping a beat. Now? I feel sluggish, bloated, slow. I went grocery shopping tonight and I've never been so excited to buy fruits and vegetables. This must be a sign of me getting old.
3. I'm ready to go back to Sleepy Hamlet
The first leg of the trip was spent in my old stomping grounds, and I had a great time. My man Leprechauna Jones and his lady came up from LA. I stayed with an extremely cool chick who we'll call The Prodigy (another story for another time). I saw all my old peeps. Everyone had such nice things to say to me, and more than one person said, "They need to bring you back here." Normally I just laugh stuff like that off...but this time was different.
I hate admitting that I want acting jobs, because that opens up a whole can of worms, but I really want to live there again, to work there as an actor. Never thought I'd say that.
We'll see if it happens.
4. I miss having a community
One of the reasons that I love Sleepy Hamlet is because of the network of friends I have there. Not only do they know me, but they know and like each other. I feel like I have a real clump of people who have my back. I love them like family. It was really hard to leave them this time...but then I went to Vegas and met up with my actual clan...
5. My family is remarkable
I had a great time in Sleepy Hamlet, but it was exhausting. I really wasn't looking forward to spending four days in Vegas for a birthday party/family reunion. I've got some crazy family members who get on my nerves, and I was afraid that it was going to be a disaster.
Instead, it was delightful.
I spent some quality time with several cousins that I hadn't seen in years. We ate, we drank, we gambled, we sang, we prayed, we laughed. And I was really reminded of my legacy. I am related to some remarkable, talented, intelligent people.
One experience stands out. We had a Father's Day brunch on Sunday, and my brother had already agreed to sing one of his songs. As always, my cousin who generally plays the MC tried to get me to perform something. My attitude is generally, "Why? Who wants to see a monologue out of context?" But she kept badgering and badgering, and finally I relented. I got up in the little room we had reserved and busted out forty lines of my best Shakespeare.
I have never received such an ovation in my life.
If you've never had the change to have several generations of your family applaud you and give you hugs and pounds and kisses, you really have to do something to make that happen. It's an amazing feeling. To be able to share your art with your own flesh and blood - and to have them get it, really get it...wow.
The coolest part was that my brother played after me, and then my father got up and said that he was proud of us, and proud of the whole family for working to make it possible for us to get to the place where we're able to share our gifts. He talked about talents of previous generations who didn't get the chance to shine due to various circumstances, and said that my brother and I are reminders that you can really do anything you want to, if you're willing to work hard. It was really great to hear him verbalize that. I don't know that I've ever been prouder of my dad.
So yesterday was a great day. Then I hopped on a redeye back to New York, got home at six, crawled into bed at eight, and couldn't stop my brain from racing. Because, over the past few hours, the following realization had crept over me:
6. I'm not in a good place
While the validation from my family was great, in some strange way it magnified the misery I've been feeling lately. I hate this temp job with a passion, and I feel like it's keeping me away from doing what I want to do. I had just spent ten days with two great communities that I belong to...only to come back to New York and realize that I don't have one here. Sure, I have great friends here, but they're all individual friendships; there's no greater connection to a whole.
On the female front, I've been rejected by girls I liked twice in the past two weeks, and I kept having this visceral reaction in the pit of my stomach whenever I would see couples holding hands, or kissing. At first, I thought I was just turned off by PDA a little more than normal, but as I thought about it more and more, I kept returning to the horrible conclusion that I first blurted out to my therapist a couple of months ago, which is:
7. I want to be in a relationship
It really hurts me to admit that. I feel like I'm supposed to be independent right now - after all, I was with Maxine on and off for almost eight years, and during most of those "off" times I usually had someone around. I feel like I'm supposed to be ok with being alone. But I have to face facts, and confront the truth: I would really love to have a partner.
You know what the worst part of this is?
8. It's logistically impossible for me to be in a relationship right now
I realized that truth last night, after reading an e-mail from The Prodigy telling me that she wasn't interested in having a relationship with me. Now, there's a bit more to the story than that, but nevertheless my feelings were really hurt. After thinking it through, however, I realized that my travel schedule over the next few months and my economic condition isn't so conducive to a healthy relationship. Sure, I could make something work long-distance, but I've already done that, and I don't know if that's the kind of relationship I want right now.
9. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be in New York
Something else I realized in my talks with The Prodigy (it was an intense few days) is that I'm not sure how much longer I want to be here. I'm not living the kind of life I want to lead. My competitive nature is the one thing keeping me here; I feel a need to prove that I can compete with the best actors in the world, and land parts in high profile projects. But I'm broke, working a lousy job for lousy pay, and I'm not auditioning right now, and my apartment (while a great deal for the city) is tiny and expensive. I just keep thinking, "Why am I doing this? For what?"
Why shouldn't I move to a smaller regional city, like San Francisco or Seattle or Washington or Denver or Minneapolis and work a lot and teach on the side? I could have an apartment, get a teaching job, meet a nice girl and settle down and get married and start a family. Why not?
Because, if I never gave New York a fair shot, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I don't want to be 55 looking back and saying, "Oh, I could've done this and that, blah blah blah." I want no regrets. So, every though I deny myself pleasure after pleasure, I have to keep pushing. It's immensely frustrating.
So, in summation, what did this week teach me?
10. I have no clue where I'm going
For most of the past decade, I've been able to tell you what I'm going to be doing five years from now. Not with any freakish degree of accuracy, mind you, but I could say, "I'm going to be an actor based out of New York, and I'm going to be with Maxine." Breaking up with her last fall changed all that. Suddenly my life had no anchor. I was free to move in any direction I wanted. Sometimes that has been pleasant, but most of the time I've felt paralyzed. I suppose, however, that recognizing this is some small victory. You have to know where you are before you know where you're going, right?
Two things to close with. Yesterday, I was sitting with my mother in the hotel room. She was trying to give me money, as usual. As usual, I was trying not to take it. But my poverty trumped my pride, and I relented. My mother bent down, cradled my face in her hands, and said, "I just hope that you find whatever it is that you're looking for."
I almost bawled. I have no idea how I held it together. I think I muttered thanks and looked away quickly, but I was just in amazement that she could see right through me like that. I guess that I shouldn't be that amazed. She is my mother, after all. She just wants the best for me.
Which brings me to the other thing.
We got goodie bags for the whole weekend, and much of our swag was cancer-related. (Several of my family members have battled cancer, so many of us are involved in cancer fighting charities.) This was the night of my massive hangover, so I was feeling particularly crappy. I took the bag from my cousin, who pointed out something in their that she didn't want me to lose. Perched on top of the purple tissue paper was an elastic bracelet wrapped in plastic. In the center of the bracelet was a grey bead with a single word printed on it.
It spoke to me. It was just what I needed. I ripped open the plastic, and put it on my wrist straightaway. I'm wearing it now.
It's a reminder. Things may be tough now...but tomorrow brings endless possibility, of brightness just around the corner.
Hope.
That may be all I have, but it's a pretty powerful something.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
why am i back?
Interruption my orgy of television shows on Hulu to post - see how dedicated I am to this comeback?
I'm not quite sure why I stopped writing in the first place. It was probably a combination of several factors: burnout from blogging every single day in 2008, depression from the end of my relationship, not having internet at home for a couple of months, being really really sick for three months.
I also think that, when I don't have a whole lot nice to say, I tend not to say anything. And 2009 was really quite horrible for me. A week and a half ago, on my last night in New York, I ran into a close friend of mine from grad school at a bar in Brooklyn. I hadn't seen him in over a year, which is super strange, because he's one of the few guy friends I have in the city. He's a great guy, he's super fun...and yet I couldn't think of a good reason why I hadn't called him. Well, here's the reason: I was just in a funk, and I really didn't want to deal with anybody, save for about a half dozen of my closest, closest friends. This is all fascinating to me in hindsight.
Anyway, part of the reason why I'm writing now is because I'm in a tiny tiny town with no one to talk to. I spend my days doing one of four things: eating, surfing the internet, rehearsing, or working out. Life is simple. It's simple because I really don't have any other options, or ways to complicate my life. I'm working with a bunch of college students, so I can't really hang out with them. My director and producer, while nice, have their own families and are both at least fifteen years old than I am. And the people in this town...well...not to get all racist on you, but they're kind of the definition of "redneck", and I don't feel like I have a lot in common with them. I'm kind of afraid to stroll into the bar by myself, know what I mean? Making matters more difficult is that I'm living in a basement apartment, which means my cell phone service is practically nonexistent. I have a hard line, but I can't make long distance calls.
In a word, I'm isolated. Which I actually think isn't a bad thing for me right now. But it does mean that this blog becomes a window out into the world for me again, and I actually find that kind of exciting.
I have all kinds of things I want to write about: this town, the show I'm working on, the freaky experience of literally seeing your face staring at you every where you go, and (of course) my female situation (which is probably most important to those of you who know me in real life). We'll get to that. For now, I just want to say thanks for sticking with me. More to come...
I'm not quite sure why I stopped writing in the first place. It was probably a combination of several factors: burnout from blogging every single day in 2008, depression from the end of my relationship, not having internet at home for a couple of months, being really really sick for three months.
I also think that, when I don't have a whole lot nice to say, I tend not to say anything. And 2009 was really quite horrible for me. A week and a half ago, on my last night in New York, I ran into a close friend of mine from grad school at a bar in Brooklyn. I hadn't seen him in over a year, which is super strange, because he's one of the few guy friends I have in the city. He's a great guy, he's super fun...and yet I couldn't think of a good reason why I hadn't called him. Well, here's the reason: I was just in a funk, and I really didn't want to deal with anybody, save for about a half dozen of my closest, closest friends. This is all fascinating to me in hindsight.
Anyway, part of the reason why I'm writing now is because I'm in a tiny tiny town with no one to talk to. I spend my days doing one of four things: eating, surfing the internet, rehearsing, or working out. Life is simple. It's simple because I really don't have any other options, or ways to complicate my life. I'm working with a bunch of college students, so I can't really hang out with them. My director and producer, while nice, have their own families and are both at least fifteen years old than I am. And the people in this town...well...not to get all racist on you, but they're kind of the definition of "redneck", and I don't feel like I have a lot in common with them. I'm kind of afraid to stroll into the bar by myself, know what I mean? Making matters more difficult is that I'm living in a basement apartment, which means my cell phone service is practically nonexistent. I have a hard line, but I can't make long distance calls.
In a word, I'm isolated. Which I actually think isn't a bad thing for me right now. But it does mean that this blog becomes a window out into the world for me again, and I actually find that kind of exciting.
I have all kinds of things I want to write about: this town, the show I'm working on, the freaky experience of literally seeing your face staring at you every where you go, and (of course) my female situation (which is probably most important to those of you who know me in real life). We'll get to that. For now, I just want to say thanks for sticking with me. More to come...
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
partner
Last night I went on a date. (Ah, the excitement of single life.) The date was with a young lady who...well...let's just say that she deserves her own post. We saw Up In The Air, which is a fantastic movie - but maybe not one you should see on a date. One of the central themes of the movie is about connections, and whether or not a person really needs a partner.
This movie really hit home for me for several reasons - it's essentially an exaggerated version of my lifestyle - but especially because of this idea of partners. I've been thinking a lot about partners lately. I kind of had a horrifying breakthrough in therapy last week:
I want to be in a relationship.
I was actually kind of shocked by that discovery. I mean, I just got out of an on-and-off situation that lasted for almost eight years! I've been single for only a few months - well, eight...but that doesn't seem like that long! Shouldn't I be on the prowl every night? Shouldn't I be sleeping with everything that moves? Shouldn't I be looking to hook up with young women who don't have a care in the world? Sure, those things are all fun...but I want more than that.
And that makes me feel incredibly weak.
My therapist, when I mentioned that to her, reminded me that human beings are designed for companionship. And, logically, I know she's right. And I also know, logically, that while I do want a female companion - a "plus one", if you will - that I'm not ready to jump into marriage and children and all that stuff right now. But emotionally I feel like they're all interconnected.
I'm in an interesting place right now.
I feel like there's more to share about this, but I can't really form the words right now. Let's come back to this after I've had some food...
This movie really hit home for me for several reasons - it's essentially an exaggerated version of my lifestyle - but especially because of this idea of partners. I've been thinking a lot about partners lately. I kind of had a horrifying breakthrough in therapy last week:
I want to be in a relationship.
I was actually kind of shocked by that discovery. I mean, I just got out of an on-and-off situation that lasted for almost eight years! I've been single for only a few months - well, eight...but that doesn't seem like that long! Shouldn't I be on the prowl every night? Shouldn't I be sleeping with everything that moves? Shouldn't I be looking to hook up with young women who don't have a care in the world? Sure, those things are all fun...but I want more than that.
And that makes me feel incredibly weak.
My therapist, when I mentioned that to her, reminded me that human beings are designed for companionship. And, logically, I know she's right. And I also know, logically, that while I do want a female companion - a "plus one", if you will - that I'm not ready to jump into marriage and children and all that stuff right now. But emotionally I feel like they're all interconnected.
I'm in an interesting place right now.
I feel like there's more to share about this, but I can't really form the words right now. Let's come back to this after I've had some food...
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
an explanation
If you scroll down the screen to December 20, you will notice a post entitled: in '09, i'm going to usher the following things into my life. An explanation is in order.
I have a friend who, every year, has a Solstice Party. There are several rituals involved in this party, but my favorite one is when people write down a list of things that they want to bring into their lives the following year. I guess it's sort of like a more abstract version of a New Year's resolution. You are not supposed to look at the list until the Solstice Party the following year, when you read the list and are mortified that you forgot all about learning to ice skate - or are pleasantly surprised that you did land an agent like you thought.
Anyway, I've been going to this party for years, and I always assumed that I had posted my goals for the year, but this is the first time that I've put them up on the blog. The list is here, and hopefully this will inspire you to make your own list. Enjoy.
I have a friend who, every year, has a Solstice Party. There are several rituals involved in this party, but my favorite one is when people write down a list of things that they want to bring into their lives the following year. I guess it's sort of like a more abstract version of a New Year's resolution. You are not supposed to look at the list until the Solstice Party the following year, when you read the list and are mortified that you forgot all about learning to ice skate - or are pleasantly surprised that you did land an agent like you thought.
Anyway, I've been going to this party for years, and I always assumed that I had posted my goals for the year, but this is the first time that I've put them up on the blog. The list is here, and hopefully this will inspire you to make your own list. Enjoy.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
in '09, i'm going to usher the following things into my life:
- committing to my relationship (and/or committing to moving on from it, if necessary)
- continuing my climb out of debt
- work hard, work proud, no matter where
(acting, auditioning, gym, love, temping, fun)
- remember your friends - keep the bonds strong
- keep your word
- be the best person you can be
- do what's best for you, no matter how hard
- you can always be compassionate, though
- these (last) 2 things do not have to be mutually exclusive
- honor
- help Barack! the work is not yet done...
- own your career - The Rover's best agent is The Rover
- a continuously flattening stomach
- no regrets
- great sex. not good. GREAT.
- love, be generous
- make your new apartment your home
- family
- God - love, trust, believe, do not be afraid
- continuing my climb out of debt
- work hard, work proud, no matter where
(acting, auditioning, gym, love, temping, fun)
- remember your friends - keep the bonds strong
- keep your word
- be the best person you can be
- do what's best for you, no matter how hard
- you can always be compassionate, though
- these (last) 2 things do not have to be mutually exclusive
- honor
- help Barack! the work is not yet done...
- own your career - The Rover's best agent is The Rover
- a continuously flattening stomach
- no regrets
- great sex. not good. GREAT.
- love, be generous
- make your new apartment your home
- family
- God - love, trust, believe, do not be afraid
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
what now?
I've dreamed about this day for a long time, and I've been thinking a lot about what I would have to say. I think that this e-mail I wrote to my girlfriend (who is in Chile with her father for a couple of weeks) earlier today sums up most of my feelings pretty well.
[Maxine] -
It's only now, half a day after the fact, that I'm able to gather myself enough to string together a few sentences to you. And that, quite frankly, is still difficult.
I just feel so full today, of life, of energy, of optimism (and, unfortunately, of alcohol - we really cut loose last night), and for so many different reasons. I think we elected the right person for the job. I'm excited that our country has a chance to regain our standing in the world (although your article pointed out that we have a tough road to hoe). I still can't believe that someone who looks like me will be leading this country - my country. I feel an ownership of America that I've never quite felt before.
They always say that it's darkest before the dawn. And I don't want you to think that I'm thinking of Obama as some sort of Messiah or something (although my father made a great analogy about following Jesus Christ "no matter what he looks like" last night), but the last eight years have been as bleak as you can get, with hijackings and bombings and wars and the economy in freefall and unchecked greed...it's been very, very dark. Last night, I think, was the crack of light appearing in the east, the one that leaves you breathless when you see it.
[One of the guys in the cast] sent me a text this morning: "What now?" which I think is the perfect question. I think that the only way that Obama fulfills his promise is if WE all band together and help him, you know? It's going to require sacrifice and dedication and hard work from the entire country to pull us out of this mess, and I just hope people are as committed to what comes next as they were to getting us to this point. I think it just might happen.
One last thing. [Our director] yesterday came into the dressing room and said something to the effect of, "Hey man, we don't have any excuses anymore! We got to pull ourselves together," which was super ironic, because I had been having those exact thoughts the other day (and [the director] and I NEVER agree on anything). I'm really interested to see where my people go from here, whether we can use last night as a springboard to propel ourselves forward or not. Judging by the faces and emotions I saw last night, I think this could be a seminal moment in black history.
OK, enough pontificating. What a day yesterday was! It was funny to get all sorts of messages yesterday from people. [A friend] said there were people cheering in the streets, and apparently 125th Street was crazy. [Two other friends] said that Brooklyn was jumping. [A third friend] was chest-bumping [a very famous actor] (he's got a recurring role on [a tv show] this season, as if I needed another reason to watch it).
I was sitting at tech all day yesterday, not being used (GRRRR), trying unsuccessfully stream TV coverage on my laptop (GRRRR) before watching a crappy feed on the phone. I don't think I started crying until I started thanking God.
[My castmates] and I raced back to my apartment to watch Obama's speech and have some celebratory drinks, and then we went out and drank too much. But I still feel great. I'm excited for you to come back so that I can see you face to face and you can pinch me and tell me that this isn't all a dream.
[Maxine] -
It's only now, half a day after the fact, that I'm able to gather myself enough to string together a few sentences to you. And that, quite frankly, is still difficult.
I just feel so full today, of life, of energy, of optimism (and, unfortunately, of alcohol - we really cut loose last night), and for so many different reasons. I think we elected the right person for the job. I'm excited that our country has a chance to regain our standing in the world (although your article pointed out that we have a tough road to hoe). I still can't believe that someone who looks like me will be leading this country - my country. I feel an ownership of America that I've never quite felt before.
They always say that it's darkest before the dawn. And I don't want you to think that I'm thinking of Obama as some sort of Messiah or something (although my father made a great analogy about following Jesus Christ "no matter what he looks like" last night), but the last eight years have been as bleak as you can get, with hijackings and bombings and wars and the economy in freefall and unchecked greed...it's been very, very dark. Last night, I think, was the crack of light appearing in the east, the one that leaves you breathless when you see it.
[One of the guys in the cast] sent me a text this morning: "What now?" which I think is the perfect question. I think that the only way that Obama fulfills his promise is if WE all band together and help him, you know? It's going to require sacrifice and dedication and hard work from the entire country to pull us out of this mess, and I just hope people are as committed to what comes next as they were to getting us to this point. I think it just might happen.
One last thing. [Our director] yesterday came into the dressing room and said something to the effect of, "Hey man, we don't have any excuses anymore! We got to pull ourselves together," which was super ironic, because I had been having those exact thoughts the other day (and [the director] and I NEVER agree on anything). I'm really interested to see where my people go from here, whether we can use last night as a springboard to propel ourselves forward or not. Judging by the faces and emotions I saw last night, I think this could be a seminal moment in black history.
OK, enough pontificating. What a day yesterday was! It was funny to get all sorts of messages yesterday from people. [A friend] said there were people cheering in the streets, and apparently 125th Street was crazy. [Two other friends] said that Brooklyn was jumping. [A third friend] was chest-bumping [a very famous actor] (he's got a recurring role on [a tv show] this season, as if I needed another reason to watch it).
I was sitting at tech all day yesterday, not being used (GRRRR), trying unsuccessfully stream TV coverage on my laptop (GRRRR) before watching a crappy feed on the phone. I don't think I started crying until I started thanking God.
[My castmates] and I raced back to my apartment to watch Obama's speech and have some celebratory drinks, and then we went out and drank too much. But I still feel great. I'm excited for you to come back so that I can see you face to face and you can pinch me and tell me that this isn't all a dream.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
now i miss her
My girlfriend is currently sitting in an airport in Toronto, waiting to board a plane that will take her to Chile for three weeks. I will, most likely, not speak to her while she is gone, and will only have sporadic e-mail contact.
Is it strange that now I really miss her? I mean, there isn't that much difference between hundreds and thousands of miles practically, but psychologically it's a big difference.
Is it strange that now I really miss her? I mean, there isn't that much difference between hundreds and thousands of miles practically, but psychologically it's a big difference.
Friday, October 24, 2008
friday night
Sitting in my apartment, bored.
Just finished dinner (a meal from Whole Foods, good but way too expensive).
Bored.
I am soooooooooo cool.
Just finished dinner (a meal from Whole Foods, good but way too expensive).
Bored.
I am soooooooooo cool.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
i forgot my cell phone at home today
...and I felt so lost.
Cut off from the world, even.
Now, I was at the gym for two hours - where I wouldn't be using my phone anyway - and then I worked for five hours - where I couldn't use my phone all that much - but still.
I kept hoping that I wouldn't come home and find out that I had missed a super important crucial message. Then I would figure that I wouldn't have any messages at all. (For the record, I missed four calls and one text; there are two voicemails that I have to listen to.)
Leaving my phone behind also meant that I haven't checked my e-mail in six hours (because I sneaked a peek at the gym).
Looking at these statements, it's amazing how plugged in I am. Maybe I should try to take a break occasionally...
Cut off from the world, even.
Now, I was at the gym for two hours - where I wouldn't be using my phone anyway - and then I worked for five hours - where I couldn't use my phone all that much - but still.
I kept hoping that I wouldn't come home and find out that I had missed a super important crucial message. Then I would figure that I wouldn't have any messages at all. (For the record, I missed four calls and one text; there are two voicemails that I have to listen to.)
Leaving my phone behind also meant that I haven't checked my e-mail in six hours (because I sneaked a peek at the gym).
Looking at these statements, it's amazing how plugged in I am. Maybe I should try to take a break occasionally...
Sunday, September 21, 2008
31
Another year older, another year wiser.
I had a good birthday - went to see my sister-in-law in her Broadway debut, following by dinner with her and my brother and Maxine and one of my best Sleepy Hamlet friends. The only fly in the ointment? The Steelers lost. But that's how it goes.
I'm hopeful that 31 will be as good as 30 was. We'll see...
I had a good birthday - went to see my sister-in-law in her Broadway debut, following by dinner with her and my brother and Maxine and one of my best Sleepy Hamlet friends. The only fly in the ointment? The Steelers lost. But that's how it goes.
I'm hopeful that 31 will be as good as 30 was. We'll see...
Thursday, September 11, 2008
seven years later
written in my journal, in my room
I don't write much in here anymore (much of that is due to the fact that I'm blogging every day) but there's something about today that makes me want to put the pen to paper, like I did seven years ago.
I can't believe it's been seven years.
It feels like so long ago, but when I start watching the news, seeing the parades and the speeches, the gathering of the families at Ground Zero, the Democratic and Republican candidates paying their respects together, the reading of the names and the pictures of the dead; and then, the footage.
It all comes rushing back, all of those complicated emotions, guilt and sadness and fear, and I don't know quite what to do with myself.
You know the thing that really drives it home for me? The lights, that emanate from from the footprints and go up forever, just like the Towers seemed to do. I look forward to their presence every year - but seeing them makes me ache for what we lost that day.
I don't write much in here anymore (much of that is due to the fact that I'm blogging every day) but there's something about today that makes me want to put the pen to paper, like I did seven years ago.
I can't believe it's been seven years.
It feels like so long ago, but when I start watching the news, seeing the parades and the speeches, the gathering of the families at Ground Zero, the Democratic and Republican candidates paying their respects together, the reading of the names and the pictures of the dead; and then, the footage.
It all comes rushing back, all of those complicated emotions, guilt and sadness and fear, and I don't know quite what to do with myself.
You know the thing that really drives it home for me? The lights, that emanate from from the footprints and go up forever, just like the Towers seemed to do. I look forward to their presence every year - but seeing them makes me ache for what we lost that day.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
sage advice
via text message, to a friend driving on too little sleep and too much caffeine
Don't die. Being a martyr is overrated.
Don't die. Being a martyr is overrated.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
not official yet, but still exciting
I alluded to this in one of my infamous text-message posts last week. I was kind of hesitant in sharing before anything became official, but indications I have received this week have shown me that the letter I received last week is all the "official" notice I need.
I'm moving!
(Actually, I suppose it would be more accurate to say that the place I call home is shifting. Semantics.)
I'm getting a studio apartment in another neighborhood in Brooklyn. It's a brand new building with tons of amenities, blah blah blah. Because they're still finishing things up, I'm not really sure when I'm moving in, but it should happen before the end of the year.
I've really been wanting my own place for almost a year now. My roommates now are fantastic, but I find myself getting irritated over typical roommate things that usually just roll off my back. And I'm going to be thirty-one next month. I know that New York is expensive, but I think that at a certain age, a man is just too old to have roommates, you know? I'm very much looking forward to having room in the fridge, having my own space, watching the television when I want, and finding my things in the same place I left them.
The irony of this is that I'm working a ton over the next six months, and I won't be spending a whole lot of time in New York. Furthermore, when I'm on the road, I'm living by myself anyway. It's an opportunity that I couldn't pass up, and I'm very excited!
OK. Off to watch yesterday's PTI and then to the gym.
I'm moving!
(Actually, I suppose it would be more accurate to say that the place I call home is shifting. Semantics.)
I'm getting a studio apartment in another neighborhood in Brooklyn. It's a brand new building with tons of amenities, blah blah blah. Because they're still finishing things up, I'm not really sure when I'm moving in, but it should happen before the end of the year.
I've really been wanting my own place for almost a year now. My roommates now are fantastic, but I find myself getting irritated over typical roommate things that usually just roll off my back. And I'm going to be thirty-one next month. I know that New York is expensive, but I think that at a certain age, a man is just too old to have roommates, you know? I'm very much looking forward to having room in the fridge, having my own space, watching the television when I want, and finding my things in the same place I left them.
The irony of this is that I'm working a ton over the next six months, and I won't be spending a whole lot of time in New York. Furthermore, when I'm on the road, I'm living by myself anyway. It's an opportunity that I couldn't pass up, and I'm very excited!
OK. Off to watch yesterday's PTI and then to the gym.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
happy days are here again
written in the passenger seat of my friend's car
With the exception of four or five people, all of the important people from my Sleepy Hamlet days are back. It feels awesome, like I never left. Last night we were at our favorite watering hole, drinking and dancing and carrying on. As usual, we were loud. As usual, I ran into ex-girlfriends. As usual, we closed the place down.
I know that it is impossible to travel backwards in time. But, last night, my friends and I did just that.
With the exception of four or five people, all of the important people from my Sleepy Hamlet days are back. It feels awesome, like I never left. Last night we were at our favorite watering hole, drinking and dancing and carrying on. As usual, we were loud. As usual, I ran into ex-girlfriends. As usual, we closed the place down.
I know that it is impossible to travel backwards in time. But, last night, my friends and I did just that.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
stuff
I just shared this thought with my dad about an hour ago:
I think it's very strange that, during my time in undergrad and grad school I accumulated all of this stuff - sheets, towels, furniture. Seven and a half years worth of life. And then, poof! I move across the country to Sleepy Hamlet, and I leave my previous life (and most of my stuff) behind, and I start to collect more stuff. Three years' worth.
Then I was kind of homeless for a year, wandering from city to city, and so I mailed some of the West Coast stuff back to my parents' house, where my East Coast stuff had been gathering dust. And it all sat in their basement.
So now I've got some of it with me in New York, and some of it is all over my parents' place, and some of it has disappeared into the ether. But sometimes I stumble over something, and it's like discovering an artifact from the Dark Ages. I remember places and faces and moments, and sometimes it's sad and sometimes it's nice. But it's always thrilling.
It's funny where stuff can take you sometimes.
I think it's very strange that, during my time in undergrad and grad school I accumulated all of this stuff - sheets, towels, furniture. Seven and a half years worth of life. And then, poof! I move across the country to Sleepy Hamlet, and I leave my previous life (and most of my stuff) behind, and I start to collect more stuff. Three years' worth.
Then I was kind of homeless for a year, wandering from city to city, and so I mailed some of the West Coast stuff back to my parents' house, where my East Coast stuff had been gathering dust. And it all sat in their basement.
So now I've got some of it with me in New York, and some of it is all over my parents' place, and some of it has disappeared into the ether. But sometimes I stumble over something, and it's like discovering an artifact from the Dark Ages. I remember places and faces and moments, and sometimes it's sad and sometimes it's nice. But it's always thrilling.
It's funny where stuff can take you sometimes.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
i hate ticketmaster
Is it even possible to buy tickets to an event on there? Seriously?
I logged on to buy Steeler tickets today, and I got nothing. I got the ticket screen to come up once, but then it disappeared. That makes me so mad. Sure, most of western Pennsylvania was probably trying to buy tickets too, but I should at least be able to get close, right? I tried for 45 straight minutes!
Ridiculous.
I logged on to buy Steeler tickets today, and I got nothing. I got the ticket screen to come up once, but then it disappeared. That makes me so mad. Sure, most of western Pennsylvania was probably trying to buy tickets too, but I should at least be able to get close, right? I tried for 45 straight minutes!
Ridiculous.
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