Fireworks are popping outside my window as I write this.
I don't feel much like celebrating.
I feel, today, on our country's 230th birthday, as if I don't have much of a place of my own. And I don't mean this in a housing sense, in any type of physical sense. I guess I feel lost in the shuffle of life.
No one really called me and asked me if I wanted to be included in their 4th plans. This is not to say that I couldn't have picked up the phone myself and said, "Hey, what are you doing? Mind if I tag along?" I've done that very thing before, and I'm sure that I'll do it again. If I want to amuse myself, I usually find a way. (One person did call me and asked me to do something. That person is no where to be found. I already left one message; I'm not going to go begging for them to hang out with me.)
But, being back in "my city", I have no sense of community, no circle of friends who I can rely on, you know? I used to have that here, the first time around. I had a great group in Sleepy Hamlet. I've always had one, wherever I was. But here - the old bonds aren't there. Everyone is married, or moved away, or doing their own thing. And I'm still floating.
I actually really wanted to hang out with my X today - not necessarily because I want things to "rekindle" between us so much as I wanted to spend part of the holiday with someone that I'm really close with. But she had some project stuff that she needed to work on...and then she wasn't able to work on it as much as she would have liked, and she had to cancel our plans, and so the entire afternoon that I waited around for her was all for naught. (She felt bad, and she apologized, and because my feelings were hurt I didn't really respond right away, and then she cried, and then i felt bad for hurting her feelings.) I'm sure that part of my funk has to do with my relationship with her - things that I want that I'm not getting/will never get from her, etc. But that's all part of the larger issue - I feel adrift.
I know that I'll wake up t'm'row and feel fine. I've got plans t'm'row and Thursday. I've got an audition this week and job prospects on the horizon. Part of me is really looking forward to getting back to work, to (gasp!) getting out of New York. I'll totally be ok. I guess I just have to wallow in the depths of my emotions for a while. That's ok, right?