Tuesday, July 04, 2006

a rambling explosion of feeling (you've been warned)

Fireworks are popping outside my window as I write this.

I don't feel much like celebrating.

I feel, today, on our country's 230th birthday, as if I don't have much of a place of my own. And I don't mean this in a housing sense, in any type of physical sense. I guess I feel lost in the shuffle of life.

No one really called me and asked me if I wanted to be included in their 4th plans. This is not to say that I couldn't have picked up the phone myself and said, "Hey, what are you doing? Mind if I tag along?" I've done that very thing before, and I'm sure that I'll do it again. If I want to amuse myself, I usually find a way. (One person did call me and asked me to do something. That person is no where to be found. I already left one message; I'm not going to go begging for them to hang out with me.)

But, being back in "my city", I have no sense of community, no circle of friends who I can rely on, you know? I used to have that here, the first time around. I had a great group in Sleepy Hamlet. I've always had one, wherever I was. But here - the old bonds aren't there. Everyone is married, or moved away, or doing their own thing. And I'm still floating.

I actually really wanted to hang out with my X today - not necessarily because I want things to "rekindle" between us so much as I wanted to spend part of the holiday with someone that I'm really close with. But she had some project stuff that she needed to work on...and then she wasn't able to work on it as much as she would have liked, and she had to cancel our plans, and so the entire afternoon that I waited around for her was all for naught. (She felt bad, and she apologized, and because my feelings were hurt I didn't really respond right away, and then she cried, and then i felt bad for hurting her feelings.) I'm sure that part of my funk has to do with my relationship with her - things that I want that I'm not getting/will never get from her, etc. But that's all part of the larger issue - I feel adrift.

I know that I'll wake up t'm'row and feel fine. I've got plans t'm'row and Thursday. I've got an audition this week and job prospects on the horizon. Part of me is really looking forward to getting back to work, to (gasp!) getting out of New York. I'll totally be ok. I guess I just have to wallow in the depths of my emotions for a while. That's ok, right?


L. Britt said...

That's more than okay. I have felt that way many times. One of the biggest things I had to overcome is redefining with whom I wanted to create community. There have been plenty of people in my life who reach out, but because of my own issues wanted to be a part of "certain" crowd, I never heard them. Once I put down my "cool" blinders, I was able to find friends that have changed my life.

Feeling like you're not being called is often not being called by a certain person. I know that emotion VERY well.

DH said...

Completely understandable...I've been there myself...quite a bit actually recently with the job loss and the crappy state of marriage...I need to spend some time examing myself and figuring out what makes me happy.

At least you're doing what you love...I'm confident you'll find peace and happiness with your situation soon enough...at least I hope you will.

Hang in there!

tuckergurl said...

I agree with l. britt 100%. I too have felt this way. It's funny. I can have plans every night of the week and the one night I do not I get down about it. Sure, I am blessed to have a lot of friends who I could call at any point but so do you. But at those moments when you are feeling lonely, none of them are good enough. None of them are who you want them to be. Times like this, I watch bad tv or write in my journal or watch my favorite scene from a film that I really love.

Melissa said...

I, for one, should have called. I also felt "uncalled" for 4th festivities. Bah. I went out for sushi. We should have made it a sushi party for several instead of 2.

Jesus, I totally should have called. We both should have. Next time I'm feeling uncalled I'm calling your ass. You've been warned.

And L's right - it's often a certain someone not calling that makes you feel lonliest of all... even in this densely populated metropolis.

The Rover said...

Don't feel bad for not calling! I didn't, either. I guess I just needed to be in a funk. We gotta do it sometimes, ya know?

And while I think that you've got a point, L. Britt, I know that this time it wasn't one particular person that brought this on. It was more just feeling like I didn't have a community.