That is the sound of me spilling my guts.
I'm a journaler - a person who journals, whatever. And whenever I write in my journal, I have a little ritual. I look at the date I last wrote something, and then I look at the current date, and then I read all entries in my journal between those dates, in chronological order. Example: if I'm writing today, and I last wrote on July 14, I'll read everything dated between 7/14 and 8/17, starting in 2000 and working my way back to the present.
I do this because it's nice to see what was going on in my life at those times. Sometimes I detect patterns - relationship drama in June, for instance, or money woes in November - and sometimes I feel like I have no connection to the words I wrote just a year or two before. And, occasionally, I may read entries from other dates. Then I make my entry into the journal, and that's that.
Today I received some news concerning my X that, while not unexpected, nonetheless completely threw me for a loop. I put on a brave face, but I was pretty upset. And I stewed in my bad mood all evening - South Park and Drawn Together and Colbert doing their best to pull me out of it. I knew I was going to write about what I was feeling, and I was thinking of writing each emotion on a different line. And I thought, "Hey, I did that before." So I went back into my journal and found that entry - January 4, 2004. Three days after X and I broke up.
And guess what?
The words on the page...matched the exact feelings I was going through tonight.
Which is completely, utterly ridiculous.
This is an excerpt. ( I said I was spilling my guts, right?)
...I guess I'm feeling so many different things right now I can't tell what's valid and what's crap. Just making a short list, I feel:
- unworthy (of love/human affection)
I could go on, but I fear the list makes me look crazy...
...I guess I'm just frustrated, because I did my homework. I went back to NY and I partied and dated and hooked up with girls, and now I know that I want to be w/X. And it was hard for me to do all of that stuff, and I beat myself up over it every step of the way, but I did it, and I learned a lot, and I found out the answer. And I finish the exam and hand it it...and when I look back at X's paper, she's barely finished the first question. So am I suppposed to sit here and wait for her to finish? I want to be with her, but I want to be with her now. And if I'm not with her, I have to start getting over her...
...Here's what I don't get - if you love someone you want to be with, why would you let them go? I don't know exactly what X has to do - is it just other guys? - but why can't she do it while she's with me? I'm tired of thinking about this and dealing with this...
OK, it's not an exact match, but it's pretty close.
So, tonight, I decided that, no matter what happens when I see X on Friday, something has to happen. I don't know which direction I'm going to go - but I have to go somewhere. It's been two and a half years of standing still. Inertia. It has to stop.
I've never shared anything from my journal before. Thanks for reading. And, hey, keep it to yourself, all right?