Wednesday, August 30, 2006

i AM an asshole...

I feel like such a shit.

Remember GISS (Girl I'm Sorta Seeing)? I broke things off with her tonight. We've had kind of a funky relationship - opposite coasts for the past eight months. We were never really together (hence the "sorta" label), and I was always really honest with her - about how I felt, what I was doing, if I was dating, etc. People would always ask me about the future of the relationship and I would always say, "We'll see what happens when we get into the same place." Just tried not to worry about it, you know? We'll see what happens down the road.

But then, about a week ago, I had a conversation with her, where she mentioned three things:

1. Her sister felt like we shouldn't be talking, because I was bad for her.

2. GISS would get extremely jealous of me spending time with other girls.

3. We had been doing...this...whatever...for almost a year.

It was the third one that really got me. Here I am, in this quasi-relationship for a year, and where is it going? Do I really want to be with this person? Is she the love of my life? Am I in love with her?

Sometimes, when you start asking the hard questions, you wish you hadn't asked them.

And then, there's this (and no way for me to say it without sounding like a dick): I think she was more into it than I was. And for a while (until last week) I merely took the position, "Well, she's a grown woman, and I'm telling her the truth, so that's on her." But then my brother made an excellent point - if you care about someone, are you really going to do things that hurt them? "If you don't give a shit," he said, "then keep doing what you're doing. But if you really care about her, you probably shouldn't let things go too much farther, if you don't think you're going to end up with her."

She's awesome - she treated me very well, supportive, sent me care packages, likes sports, and...well, I was very happy with our "quality time" off the charts happy. But there were little things that got on my nerves, and at the end of the day...she's a great woman, but I just don't think she's for me. So I had to pull the trigger. Which I've only had to do twice before in my whole life - girls normally break up with me. I thought it was supposed to be easier on this side...

When will I stop feeling like an ass?


David said...

For what's it is worth, you may have done the right thing and that does not make you an arsehole.

April said...

I agree with your brother, hon.

You may feel like a shit now, but take comfort in the fact that you did the right thing.


L. Britt said...

That sucks that you're not that into her because you're right, she is awesome. But you are SO much less an asshole than you would have been if you kept hanging out knowing that you were hurting her.

I guess the next question is: if you can't have what you want (namely, your ex), are you going to try and want something else? Because GISS definitely wasn't your ex.

So Gone Over You said...

I think you did a commendable thing. I mean really, had you continued on like this, eventually you would've came to the same conclusions - and she (you both?) would've invested much more time, energy and love into the "relationship" and would've hurt all the more. Better to find out now than 10 years from now. And in the end, she'll be ok with you having let her go, and so will you.

a.maria said...

oooh man. that IS a hard one. i've been on that end 1 and 1/2 times (what is it when you both wanna break up?!!)

but take heart in knowing down the line, she'll be so much happier now that she's not pining for someone who just wasn't that into it.

which still sounds assy, but you totally know what i mean!