Monday, January 21, 2008

here it is

Warning: this will be a long post. And one that will be stream-of-conscious, too, so give me a break if this rambles/meanders.

Sometimes I find it very difficult to be honest on here. It's not so hard with my online friends. It's with the people who read the blog on Tuesday and hang out with me on Thursday. I know that they're going to hold my feet to the fire.

Furthermore, I have a habit of soliciting advice from lots of people before making a decision. I generally tell myself that it helps me to talk out my decisions, and that having different perspectives is always useful. I mean, if I were a politician, I'd govern by consensus. But lately I've come to realize that getting advice from others has become a way for me to make the "politically correct" or "normal" decision. I'm afraid to make a mistake. I don't want to be attacked, or made fun of.

Which brings us to the mystery I mentioned last week. I'm "dating" Snapple again. We were watching reality TV last week, and then we had some drinks and had a long conversation, and it just kind of happened. I realized that I had made some assumptions about her that weren't necessarily true, and she said that she just wanted to hang out and have a good time and see what happened, and said she understood when I told her that I didn't think it was going anywhere, and from there you can probably guess where it went. So it's been almost two weeks, and I'm having a lot of fun with her.

I haven't told many people about this, mostly because the reaction ranges from, "Wow...well, if you're having fun and it's honest..." to, "You're dishonorable and an asshole." But I kept thinking, look, I'm being up front with her, and she seems like she really just wants to hang out and have fun, and at a certain point when someone tells you the same thing over and over again - don't you just have to believe it, and put the rest on them?

It's still been bothering me, though.

And then there's Maxine.

Her reaction was of the "you're an asshole" variety. She's currently not speaking to me, except for short terse e-mails and text messages when she needs info from me. And it's killing me.

She is driving me crazy. 90% of the time I want to be with her. 5% of the time I think she's uptight/picky/anal. And the other 5% of the time I want to throw her out of the window. But I love her. I'm not over her. We've been doing this "will we or won't we" tango for 14 months now, and it's driving both of us crazy. So, even though on Saturday night she said that she's not over the guy who broke up with her a month ago, and even though she hooked up with him in a situation awfully similar to my "reunion" with Snapple, she's furious.

Look, I understand why she's mad. She wants to be with her dude, but he's basically saying, "It's not you, it's me." And then she sees me do the same thing to Snapple. And then, after their encounter, the next time they saw each other he was completely hands off; I, however, am continuing to hang with Snapple. It doesn't take a rocket scientist.

I am just utterly, utterly frustrated.

I know that I have to make up my own mind, that no matter what anybody tells me, I have to come to the decision on my own. I know that I will probably break things off sooner than later with Snapple, because she's a great woman who deserves better, and because I can't live with the guilt.

But I don't know what to do about Maxine. I know that part of the reason I'm reluctant to get back together with her is because a lot of my friends will be pissed (years ago, two of my best friends in the world told me that they wouldn't come to the wedding if i married her - we were all drunk off our asses, but still, that stings). I know that another reason is that she broke my heart four years ago and I don't want to go back to that. I don't know if I could handle that. I know that another reason is that I like being single, and I want to hook up with Trouble when I go visit Valley City, and I don't want to be one of those actors who cheats on his wife in every town.

I also wonder if she's "the one". Like, does that even exist? I keep waiting to meet some woman and have it hit me in the face like a truck, that they are right for me. I thought that I felt that with the Power Broker. I think that, if she ever left her asshole boyfriend, I could get there with the Power Broker West. And I felt it when I first spoke to Maxine. But I don't trust it anymore.

Wow. I'm boring myself with my words. I think I should go to bed. I think that doing this Hamlet monologue tomorrow morning may be the best medicine for me.


L. Britt said...

"The One" doesn't hit you like a truck at all. You meet someone and you can tell that it's going to be special, but only real time and investment makes it clear that she's the one. And even then, real life can still come in and throw you both for a loop.

Just in case you need yet another bit of advice: start listening to yourself first and more. What does your gut tell you? You're smart enough to know exactly what you want. It may be the very, very hard choice, it may not be popular, but it's the only one that will make you happy. No one, not even your "One," will take care of you better than you.

une petite chose said...

as someone who knows both you and maxine (oops... have i outed myself??) i think you're both as close to 'the one' as you can possibly get. 90%?! many couples could only dream of getting to 90% of the time. you'll always have moments when you want to throw your spouse out the window, or think they're incredibly uptight/lazy/frustrating/impossible, but that's the beauty of love - that the other 90% (if you ever get there!) keeps you committed and leads you to want to work through those other 10% moments.

there will always be other people you're attracted to, and who appeal to the little parts of you that perhaps aren't completely fulfilled by your life partner - but that's what commitment is... and what you need to decide you're ready for before you take the plunge.

but i think i've told you all this already. i just like to hear myself talk. (read/type/whatever)