Wednesday, April 23, 2008

an open letter to my ex-classmate

partially written at the temp job

Hey, man, how are things? Hear you're doing some great stuff - a show that may be moving to Broadway, huh? Awesome. So glad your career is working out well.

(awkward silence)

Listen, dude, I know we don't talk a lot - we're both really busy and all, but I wanted to take a break from flattering you to bring something to your attention. See, you're on Facebook, which is great, and I'm on Facebook, which is also cool, but I wanted to remind you that my Facebook page is NOT to be used as your personal dating service.

No, I'm not kidding.

Yes, I'm serious.

See, every time you use your skeevy creepy moves on one of my friends - most of whom you've never met - they call or text or e-mail me. And then I have to explain all about your playa-istic, baller-ific ways, which is a little awkward. And I'd rather not be put in that position. It's been three times in the past month. Don't you think that's a little excessive?

Oh yeah, and you know the one girl that you keep threatening, you know, to "ruin her career", saying things like, "I know your teachers," and stuff like that? Well, here's a free piece of advice - actually, two. First of all, you're not important enough to ruin anyone's career - except, maybe, your own. Secondly, wouldn't it be a lot worse for you if people knew you were saying these things to a nineteen year old? I mean, that's just kind of gross, for a thirty-one year old MAN to be pushing up on a nineteen year old GIRL. She led you on? Seriously? She's a teenager - isn't that what teenagers are supposed to do? Because they don't know what they're doing yet? I'm just saying, man.

Sorry for the excessive use of italics, but I just wanted to make sure that my point was getting across. Good luck with your show!


The Rover


The Rover said...

I've been talking about this post for weeks, and I finally started writing this at work. I also described most of it to my kick-ass fellow temp.

The irony is that this guy is currently working in Fox City, too, so I may get a chance to tell him this face-to-face. And, believe me, I will.

L. Britt said...

Oh my goodness! Do I know this dude? If I do, I can guess who it is...just tell me if I know him and I will make all sorts of judgment calls!

The Rover said...

Oh, you know him, L. Britt. It shouldn't be that hard to figure out who it is, either.

L. Britt said...

Oh yeah, I did about 5 seconds of internet research and figured out it was him.

You can't be surprised, can you? If I didn't believe in the Peter Pan syndrome before...boy oh boy!