alone time

I'm writing this entry in the local public library. The internet access at my home is all fucked up, but this also provides me an excellent excuse to get away.

I'm in desperate need of some "me" time.

I like Snapple. She's a cool girl. But she doesn't really show an inclination to do anything other than hang out with me. Sure, she wants to go to the local water park, or read by the water, or get some lunch. But she doesn't really need to do anything, you know, by herself.

And that drives me crazy.

Even when I was the most in love (with Maxine), I still needed a good hour or so completely to myself. I usually do a variety of things during that hour - read, check e-mail, look up sports articles/scores, fantasy football, play video games, etc. The what is not so important.

And if I don't get that time?

I start to go stir-crazy.

Yesterday I spent most of the day in the car - someone in my cast organized a nature trip, and I was with people all day. Then, when I got home, my stomach decided to wage a full-scale war against the rest of my body. Snapple went to the store to get me medicine, but brought home the wrong kind. So we just watched TV for a while before going to sleep.

She had to get up early to go talk to some class or something, so I figured that I'd have a while this morning to myself. But I woke up just after dawn and couldn't get back to sleep. (And that totally pisses me off.) So I ended up having a couple of hours...but it still wasn't enough.

So now I'm at the library. And I think that Snapple's upset. I'll have to fix that when I go home. Hopefully I'm in a better space to do so.

But, for right now, I'm going to browse the internet. And enjoy my solitude.

what to do, what to do

I've been a bad blogger lately. I've been avoiding visiting anyone's blog, because my Harry Potter book doesn't arrive from London until Friday, and I'm scared to death that someone is going to spoil the whole book for me. (Don't even think of being that person - I will literally hunt you down.)

And, of course, I really haven't been a regular poster during my time in Rockport. That has a lot to do with the amount of time I spent rehearsing/learning lines/drinking, but it's also had a lot to do with the time I've been spending with Snapple.

But now I find myself in a dilemma.

I think she's a really great girl, I do. But, once I'm done here, I'm going on vacation for two weeks. Then I'm going to be back in NYC for two weeks, and then back out here for the next gig. Which means a lot of long distance.

I have no problems doing long distance (I've done it a few times before, and I would have done it for the Power Broker), but, if I'm going to do it, I have to be 100% into the person. I don't want to be one of those actors who goes from port to port, cheating on his girlfriend/fiancee/wife. (I'd rather be the actor who just makes out with someone in each port, then leaves with no hard feelings, dignity intact for all involved.)

AndI just don't think I'm there. I'm at 75-80%. Maybe. I'm pretty sure that, given the opportunity on my travels, I'd make out with someone.

Doesn't bode well for this relationship, does it?

It's frustrating, because I think she's right for me in a lot of ways. Sure, she does some things that get on my nerves, but overall I think she's really great. But...I'm just not ready. Chalk it up to bad timing, I guess.

There are 3 1/2 weeks left here, so things may change. And that would be great. But I'm not holding my breath.

score!

I got another job!

A couple of weeks ago, I auditioned for a job at a theater in the suburbs of Rockport. Great role - sort of the modern version of what I'm playing now, sorta...

Anyway, they made me sweat for a couple of weeks, but word came today that I got it. Very exciting.

This now means that I'm going to have a whirlwind couple of weeks once I finish things out here, but it will be worth it. AND - I can pay my bills for a few more months!

Just wanted to put this up here. I've got a couple of stories to tell, but I'll save them for later in the week...

finally...

...rehearsal is over. Shows are up.

I can go back to my schedule of working 15 hours a week.

I love my life.

Now, if it weren't so darn hot here...

fallout

Things with Snapple and I are pretty cool, I suppose. I mean, have my doubts been magically erased? No. But she seems to be ok with things (although I don't think she's as secure as she was before, which is totally understandable), so we're going forward.

I'm beginning to realize, more and more, that I'm probably not the easiest person to be in a relationship with. I need copious amounts of alone time, and I have scores of female friends, and I talk to most of my exes, and I travel all the time, and my job often requires me to make out with beautiful women in front of bunches of people. And then there are the groupies. (I'm only half-kidding about that one - someone remind me to do a post about that!)

Anyway, it's not the ideal situation, and even though Snapple is in the business, she sees all of that. She's remarkably understanding, but still...

Off to rehearse. Only a couple more of those left, and then I can enjoy my summer...

oh, Snapple...

A short post, but I had to comment...

Things with Snapple are going pretty well. She's really kind, and considerate, and I have no problems hanging out with her for hours. Etc., etc.

However...

I've been a "single" guy for so long that it's kind of hard to get out of this mindset. And I'm in a city with a LOT of beautiful women, and I work with several beautiful women, and I'm playing high-profile roles, and I get a little attention...and I like it.

So, the question is not, "Is Snapple the right girl for me?" but rather, "Do I want to be in a committed monogamous relationship?"

Last night, unfortunately, I did one of the dumber things I've ever done - I told Snapple about my doubts. Now she's convinced that she's done something wrong, and that I don't really like her. It was a circular conversation, and not a whole lot of fun.

So...what now?

Off to rehearsal...more later.

time off

My roommate has flown the coop for Vegas for a few days. I can't tell you how happy I am.

Her departure has also coincided with a two-and-a-half day vacation for me, which, in this business, is like having a week off. It's just what I needed - especially because all hell breaks loose with my schedule starting this weekend for about ten days or so.

It's been really great - I went off and saw some nature on Monday, saw TRANSFORMERS yesterday (which was awesome!), fired up the PlayStation for the first time in a while, and rented a couple of movies (I'm still knocking off the Oscar-nominated flicks - watched 2 in the last two days).

And I've hung out a lot with Snapple. I'd call it a relationship, I guess, but we're still using the term "dating", and not "boyfriend/girlfriend". Which is a good thing, because I keep having these mini-freak-outs, or "relationship allergy attacks", if you will. You know, everything will be fine, and then I'll suddenly have the urge to make out with every girl in the bar. Not because I really want to, mind you, but to prove that I can. It's just difficult for me to turn that "single" mindset off.

OK, off to the local Blockbuster to return said movies, and then to the gym (which I have definitely been cheating on lately)...

oh the places i've been

L. Britt and tuckergurl did this a while ago, and I put it away for a rainy day. Voila!



create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

I counted the states that I've driven across, as well as places I've spent the night. Places where I've had airport layovers (Arizona, Minnesota and Texas) but didn't leave the airport don't count.

So, if you're desperately trying to figure out where Sleepy Hamlet, or Rockport, or Cowtown, or Steak City is, here's a bit of a hint. Good luck! ;-)

update

(If you haven't already, read the post below to get up to speed.)

Here's the text-message exchange we had last night, over the course of several hours, and after I tried calling her a couple of times:

LIL' BIT: I'm not coming. I'm going to cancel my ticket.

ME: I think that's a good idea.

LIL' BIT: I'm also not speaking to you indefinitely.

ME: Because...

LIL' BIT: I hate you so much.

ME: All righty then...

(I was really loathe to make any response - I mean, what am I supposed to do if she hates me? Beg forgiveness for something I'm not sorry for? But I felt like I had to say SOMETHING...)

LIL' BIT: I'm so glad you want to know why.

(And she was SO obviously bating me with this response. But I hate not knowing things, so I pressed on...)

ME: Well, I would...

(no response)

ME: ...but I'm not going to beg you for one. I'm in the middle of a really demanding show. So if you want to lay it out in an e-mail or voice mail, please do. If not, then I guess that's how we'll have to leave it...though that's not my choice...

LIL' BIT: Because I love you and I can't get over you. And I want to so much because you can move on.

ME: I understand and respect that. You have to do what's best for you.

LIL' BIT: Well I guess that's it then. I'm glad one of us is happy. Do I need to leave town when you're here?

ME: Of course not. [Your town] is big enough for both of us for a few days.

LIL' BIT: Is it? I don't know.

ME: Well, I'll give you your space. And you know how to get a hold of me...

LIL' BIT: Don't worry. You won't hear from me anymore.


Wow.

In re-reading all of this, I wonder if I was a little too harsh. But, honestly, I'm not in love with her, never told her I was in love with her (or even said "I love you"), and was pretty honest and open about how I felt about things at all times. So, even though I feel like a bit of a heel, I'm glad that the message has finally gotten through.