I feel like such a shit.
Remember GISS (Girl I'm Sorta Seeing)? I broke things off with her tonight. We've had kind of a funky relationship - opposite coasts for the past eight months. We were never really together (hence the "sorta" label), and I was always really honest with her - about how I felt, what I was doing, if I was dating, etc. People would always ask me about the future of the relationship and I would always say, "We'll see what happens when we get into the same place." Just tried not to worry about it, you know? We'll see what happens down the road.
But then, about a week ago, I had a conversation with her, where she mentioned three things:
1. Her sister felt like we shouldn't be talking, because I was bad for her.
2. GISS would get extremely jealous of me spending time with other girls.
3. We had been doing...this...whatever...for almost a year.
It was the third one that really got me. Here I am, in this quasi-relationship for a year, and where is it going? Do I really want to be with this person? Is she the love of my life? Am I in love with her?
Sometimes, when you start asking the hard questions, you wish you hadn't asked them.
And then, there's this (and no way for me to say it without sounding like a dick): I think she was more into it than I was. And for a while (until last week) I merely took the position, "Well, she's a grown woman, and I'm telling her the truth, so that's on her." But then my brother made an excellent point - if you care about someone, are you really going to do things that hurt them? "If you don't give a shit," he said, "then keep doing what you're doing. But if you really care about her, you probably shouldn't let things go too much farther, if you don't think you're going to end up with her."
She's awesome - she treated me very well, supportive, sent me care packages, likes sports, and...well, I was very happy with our "quality time"...like off the charts happy. But there were little things that got on my nerves, and at the end of the day...she's a great woman, but I just don't think she's for me. So I had to pull the trigger. Which I've only had to do twice before in my whole life - girls normally break up with me. I thought it was supposed to be easier on this side...
When will I stop feeling like an ass?
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
a good trip
Hello! Anybody out there?
Either my life is no longer compelling (a distinct possibility) or summer has pulled everyone away from their computers and into the great wide open. Which is not necessarily a bad thing.
Back from a great trip home. My brother showed up, too, so all of us were together, which doesn't happen very often. I got to go to a baseball game, see some old high school buddies, and make a couple of work connections. I think there's a decent chance that I may actually get to work near my hometown. That would make my mother's year.
The only thing that sucked was my plane flight home - we were delayed for an hour and a half due to inclement weather in New York. I generally don't mind airports, but I've been travelling so much lately that I just want to get where I'm going as quickly as possible. So I wasn't a happy camper. But I made it back safe and sound, and that's what's important.
I probably should go to bed, or work on the sides for my upcoming audition, but I'm too antsy. I was hoping to go out with a friend tonight, but I think she's probably headed to bed. And I don't really have anyone in the neighborhood that shares the kind of hours I do. (Actually, I really don't have any friends in the neighborhood.) So I guess I'll just aimlessly surf the internet for a while, until I feel like falling asleep. Anyone know of any new exciting blogs I need to look at?
Either my life is no longer compelling (a distinct possibility) or summer has pulled everyone away from their computers and into the great wide open. Which is not necessarily a bad thing.
Back from a great trip home. My brother showed up, too, so all of us were together, which doesn't happen very often. I got to go to a baseball game, see some old high school buddies, and make a couple of work connections. I think there's a decent chance that I may actually get to work near my hometown. That would make my mother's year.
The only thing that sucked was my plane flight home - we were delayed for an hour and a half due to inclement weather in New York. I generally don't mind airports, but I've been travelling so much lately that I just want to get where I'm going as quickly as possible. So I wasn't a happy camper. But I made it back safe and sound, and that's what's important.
I probably should go to bed, or work on the sides for my upcoming audition, but I'm too antsy. I was hoping to go out with a friend tonight, but I think she's probably headed to bed. And I don't really have anyone in the neighborhood that shares the kind of hours I do. (Actually, I really don't have any friends in the neighborhood.) So I guess I'll just aimlessly surf the internet for a while, until I feel like falling asleep. Anyone know of any new exciting blogs I need to look at?
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
have computer, will blog
I always get excited when there's free wi-fi in an airport. Then I feel like an on-the-scene reporter, giving you a close-up into my life. Unfortunately, it's not all that exciting lately.
So I'm sitting at JFK, waiting to fly home for the weekend. Should be good times. I've got an audition for one of the hometown theaters, and the fam and I are going to go to a baseball game, so I can finally see New Hotness Stadium. The city built it a few years ago, but I've never been home during the summer (this is actually the first summer I haven't had an acting job in seven years, which is a ridiculous streak), so I'm pretty excited.
And, of course, I'm flying the world's most perfect airline, JetBlue. Buttery leather seats, extra leg room, DirecTV...this is how you're supposed to fly. And I get to fly them next weekend, too! Almost makes me WANT to travel. Almost.
Catch y'all on the flip side.
So I'm sitting at JFK, waiting to fly home for the weekend. Should be good times. I've got an audition for one of the hometown theaters, and the fam and I are going to go to a baseball game, so I can finally see New Hotness Stadium. The city built it a few years ago, but I've never been home during the summer (this is actually the first summer I haven't had an acting job in seven years, which is a ridiculous streak), so I'm pretty excited.
And, of course, I'm flying the world's most perfect airline, JetBlue. Buttery leather seats, extra leg room, DirecTV...this is how you're supposed to fly. And I get to fly them next weekend, too! Almost makes me WANT to travel. Almost.
Catch y'all on the flip side.
Monday, August 21, 2006
road weary
I realized, while talking to a friend last night, that I've set myself up to fly places two weekends in a row.
There are some days where I just get tired of living out of a suitcase.
There are some days where I just get tired of living out of a suitcase.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
shocker!
Went to see SNAKES ON A PLANE this afternoon with my lil' bro.
Um...
Yeah...
Well...
...it was actually good!
Not, like, Oscar good. But good in a popcorn kind of way. Satisfying, if you will. A classic disaster film - you know what you're going to get, and it does it fairly well. It also helped that our audience was fantastic. If you can hear people commenting on the commercials, or actually booing the previews, you are in good hands. It's got to be a group that's willing to applaud when they see the title on screen, and whoop it up, etc.
So...(I can't believe I'm saying this)...I think you should go see it! Seriously.
Um...
Yeah...
Well...
...it was actually good!
Not, like, Oscar good. But good in a popcorn kind of way. Satisfying, if you will. A classic disaster film - you know what you're going to get, and it does it fairly well. It also helped that our audience was fantastic. If you can hear people commenting on the commercials, or actually booing the previews, you are in good hands. It's got to be a group that's willing to applaud when they see the title on screen, and whoop it up, etc.
So...(I can't believe I'm saying this)...I think you should go see it! Seriously.
Friday, August 18, 2006
aftermath (sleepy)
If I could have only posted when I left the house of my X...I was full of insightful comments and remarks. Then came an hour ten on the subway. So, all I have to say is this: we're still going to talk, but not as often, and not about things that will make each other crazy (i.e. our dating lives).
Mostly a good conversation - not contentious, though very sad at times. I guess the worst thing, for me, is that I kinda feel like I want to be in a relationship with her, that most of the problems that we've had in the past have come from (a) insecurity or (b) not being completely honest. And those are VERY hard things for me to admit - especially when the rest of the world thinks that this relationship is a bad idea.
That's all for now - I'm so tired I actually fell asleep on the train. That never happens. More later.
Mostly a good conversation - not contentious, though very sad at times. I guess the worst thing, for me, is that I kinda feel like I want to be in a relationship with her, that most of the problems that we've had in the past have come from (a) insecurity or (b) not being completely honest. And those are VERY hard things for me to admit - especially when the rest of the world thinks that this relationship is a bad idea.
That's all for now - I'm so tired I actually fell asleep on the train. That never happens. More later.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
blech!
That is the sound of me spilling my guts.
I'm a journaler - a person who journals, whatever. And whenever I write in my journal, I have a little ritual. I look at the date I last wrote something, and then I look at the current date, and then I read all entries in my journal between those dates, in chronological order. Example: if I'm writing today, and I last wrote on July 14, I'll read everything dated between 7/14 and 8/17, starting in 2000 and working my way back to the present.
I do this because it's nice to see what was going on in my life at those times. Sometimes I detect patterns - relationship drama in June, for instance, or money woes in November - and sometimes I feel like I have no connection to the words I wrote just a year or two before. And, occasionally, I may read entries from other dates. Then I make my entry into the journal, and that's that.
Today I received some news concerning my X that, while not unexpected, nonetheless completely threw me for a loop. I put on a brave face, but I was pretty upset. And I stewed in my bad mood all evening - South Park and Drawn Together and Colbert doing their best to pull me out of it. I knew I was going to write about what I was feeling, and I was thinking of writing each emotion on a different line. And I thought, "Hey, I did that before." So I went back into my journal and found that entry - January 4, 2004. Three days after X and I broke up.
And guess what?
The words on the page...matched the exact feelings I was going through tonight.
Which is completely, utterly ridiculous.
This is an excerpt. ( I said I was spilling my guts, right?)
...I guess I'm feeling so many different things right now I can't tell what's valid and what's crap. Just making a short list, I feel:
- sad
- angry
- rejected
- free
- lonely
- unworthy (of love/human affection)
- jealousy
- nothing
I could go on, but I fear the list makes me look crazy...
...I guess I'm just frustrated, because I did my homework. I went back to NY and I partied and dated and hooked up with girls, and now I know that I want to be w/X. And it was hard for me to do all of that stuff, and I beat myself up over it every step of the way, but I did it, and I learned a lot, and I found out the answer. And I finish the exam and hand it it...and when I look back at X's paper, she's barely finished the first question. So am I suppposed to sit here and wait for her to finish? I want to be with her, but I want to be with her now. And if I'm not with her, I have to start getting over her...
...Here's what I don't get - if you love someone you want to be with, why would you let them go? I don't know exactly what X has to do - is it just other guys? - but why can't she do it while she's with me? I'm tired of thinking about this and dealing with this...
OK, it's not an exact match, but it's pretty close.
So, tonight, I decided that, no matter what happens when I see X on Friday, something has to happen. I don't know which direction I'm going to go - but I have to go somewhere. It's been two and a half years of standing still. Inertia. It has to stop.
I've never shared anything from my journal before. Thanks for reading. And, hey, keep it to yourself, all right?
I'm a journaler - a person who journals, whatever. And whenever I write in my journal, I have a little ritual. I look at the date I last wrote something, and then I look at the current date, and then I read all entries in my journal between those dates, in chronological order. Example: if I'm writing today, and I last wrote on July 14, I'll read everything dated between 7/14 and 8/17, starting in 2000 and working my way back to the present.
I do this because it's nice to see what was going on in my life at those times. Sometimes I detect patterns - relationship drama in June, for instance, or money woes in November - and sometimes I feel like I have no connection to the words I wrote just a year or two before. And, occasionally, I may read entries from other dates. Then I make my entry into the journal, and that's that.
Today I received some news concerning my X that, while not unexpected, nonetheless completely threw me for a loop. I put on a brave face, but I was pretty upset. And I stewed in my bad mood all evening - South Park and Drawn Together and Colbert doing their best to pull me out of it. I knew I was going to write about what I was feeling, and I was thinking of writing each emotion on a different line. And I thought, "Hey, I did that before." So I went back into my journal and found that entry - January 4, 2004. Three days after X and I broke up.
And guess what?
The words on the page...matched the exact feelings I was going through tonight.
Which is completely, utterly ridiculous.
This is an excerpt. ( I said I was spilling my guts, right?)
...I guess I'm feeling so many different things right now I can't tell what's valid and what's crap. Just making a short list, I feel:
- sad
- angry
- rejected
- free
- lonely
- unworthy (of love/human affection)
- jealousy
- nothing
I could go on, but I fear the list makes me look crazy...
...I guess I'm just frustrated, because I did my homework. I went back to NY and I partied and dated and hooked up with girls, and now I know that I want to be w/X. And it was hard for me to do all of that stuff, and I beat myself up over it every step of the way, but I did it, and I learned a lot, and I found out the answer. And I finish the exam and hand it it...and when I look back at X's paper, she's barely finished the first question. So am I suppposed to sit here and wait for her to finish? I want to be with her, but I want to be with her now. And if I'm not with her, I have to start getting over her...
...Here's what I don't get - if you love someone you want to be with, why would you let them go? I don't know exactly what X has to do - is it just other guys? - but why can't she do it while she's with me? I'm tired of thinking about this and dealing with this...
OK, it's not an exact match, but it's pretty close.
So, tonight, I decided that, no matter what happens when I see X on Friday, something has to happen. I don't know which direction I'm going to go - but I have to go somewhere. It's been two and a half years of standing still. Inertia. It has to stop.
I've never shared anything from my journal before. Thanks for reading. And, hey, keep it to yourself, all right?
Monday, August 14, 2006
next stop: QNS
Leaving Sleepy Hamlet t'm'row. I really thought about staying for a few extra days - one of my best friends is coming up for the weekend - but I just can't do it. I feel like I've built up a lot of momentum from my time here, and sitting on my butt for three or four days might slow me down. So I need to get back to the city and really go for it.
8 weeks left in NYC. I was supposed to go to a city college and perform and teach, but it overlapped with a job I'm doing in Cowtown at the end of the year, so I turned it down. A reprieve for Queens! Now I need to decide whether or not I should take a job.
Flying all day t'm'row, so you'll hear from me on Wednesday.
8 weeks left in NYC. I was supposed to go to a city college and perform and teach, but it overlapped with a job I'm doing in Cowtown at the end of the year, so I turned it down. A reprieve for Queens! Now I need to decide whether or not I should take a job.
Flying all day t'm'row, so you'll hear from me on Wednesday.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Bad blogger!
My hand should be slapped, 'cause I've been so bad with blogging lately. But, finally my 17-hour-a-day job is completed. I'll be spending a couple more days in Sleepy Hamlet, and then it's back to NY for a couple of months.
The thing that I'm most excited about is having a drink. Due to some ridiculous rules, I wasn't allowed to consume ANY alcohol at all while working in this program. So you know that I'm gonna have a couple of drinks tonight. Sweet sweet beer...how I've missed you...
I keep misspelling words, which is a sign to me that I need to take a nap. More soon (for reals)...
The thing that I'm most excited about is having a drink. Due to some ridiculous rules, I wasn't allowed to consume ANY alcohol at all while working in this program. So you know that I'm gonna have a couple of drinks tonight. Sweet sweet beer...how I've missed you...
I keep misspelling words, which is a sign to me that I need to take a nap. More soon (for reals)...
Thursday, August 03, 2006
missed connection
When I was in Sleepy Hamlet back in April, I met this girl that I've been chatting with for a year on MySpace (we've actually got a friend in common, so it's not all THAT shady.) We only hung out for an hour or so at a really loud bar, but we totally hit it off, and there was a definite strong physical attraction. I'm not really into sleeping with someone right after meeting them, but I think that it may have happened had we spent a few more hours together.
So we continued e-mailing, but a few weeks after I left she got back together with her old boyfriend. They've been kind of off-again on-again, so I didn't think too much of it. And I thought, hey, when I come back to the Hamlet, they might not even be together. Maybe she could be Mrs. Rover.
(I've had this thing, ever since The Wedding of the Century, that I wonder who Mrs. Rover is. Have I met her before? Is it someone from my past? There's some stat that says that 95% of people have met their future spouse by age 25. Who is she? I'm not in a rush to settle down...but I'd really like to know who she is.)
Anyway, I let her know that I was back in town, and she sent me a cryptic e-mail, and I replied, and she wrote back with confirmation - she's pregnant. Guess that's not going anywhere, huh? I'm sure I'll still talk to her. This wasn't anything that I was banking on - I'm just a smidge disappointed because I was really interested to see where this would have gone. But, hey, best of luck to her and the baby and the baby daddy.
Besides, I've got a lot of ex-flames to see in this town. More on this soon...
So we continued e-mailing, but a few weeks after I left she got back together with her old boyfriend. They've been kind of off-again on-again, so I didn't think too much of it. And I thought, hey, when I come back to the Hamlet, they might not even be together. Maybe she could be Mrs. Rover.
(I've had this thing, ever since The Wedding of the Century, that I wonder who Mrs. Rover is. Have I met her before? Is it someone from my past? There's some stat that says that 95% of people have met their future spouse by age 25. Who is she? I'm not in a rush to settle down...but I'd really like to know who she is.)
Anyway, I let her know that I was back in town, and she sent me a cryptic e-mail, and I replied, and she wrote back with confirmation - she's pregnant. Guess that's not going anywhere, huh? I'm sure I'll still talk to her. This wasn't anything that I was banking on - I'm just a smidge disappointed because I was really interested to see where this would have gone. But, hey, best of luck to her and the baby and the baby daddy.
Besides, I've got a lot of ex-flames to see in this town. More on this soon...
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