the verge

I'm having serious problems with Maxine, and I (we) are thinking of calling it quits.

I've been planning to write this blog entry, in one form or another, for the past two months. I managed to put it off for several reasons: I was moving, I was sick, I didn't quite know what to say, I didn't know what I truly felt or wanted, I was moving again, I was working, etc. So many excuses.

One of the main reasons why I didn't want to go into detail about this is because I feel like more and more of the people who read this actually know Maxine, and I don't want things that I write here to affect how they may feel about her. This is silly, of course, especially because many of these same people have been along on this seven-and-a-half year long ride, and have witnessed the ups and downs in greater detail than what has been written about here. Is there really a difference if I complain orally or verbally?

So (deep breath) here I go.

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The problems (this new set, anyway) started a while ago - we can probably trace it to this incident. There have been some "physical issues" dating back to the summer. I also remember feeling strangely upset and estranged from her in October when she left the country for three weeks. But the things that really got the ball rolling were:

1. Early December - she off-handedly mentions that she views me as more of a "companion". It bothers me, but I say nothing and forget about it.

2. Christmas Eve - I invite one of my best friends (who Maxine is estranged from) to spend Christmas with my family because she has no where else to go. Maxine flips out. We barely speak for three days, and then have a blowout on the phone.

3. Mid-January - we have a phone conversation about said "physical issues", and she mentions that she "does not love me in the same way"; she "is scared of being alone", and, once again, she views me as more of a "companion". She then leaves for a five day vacation.

It's here that what she says really hits me. I go into a deep funk for three days.

4. Late January - I have a conversation with my mother, who tells me that she thinks Maxine and I may be better off as friends. I contemplate breaking things off over the phone. I have a long conversation with my brother, who urges me to wait until I get back to New York. I decide to wait.

5. Lots of girls hit on me.

6. Late February - I come back home to New York. Maxine gets mad at me for seeing the same estranged friend from Christmas and mentions that she never got over it from then. We have a blowout, where we establish that we don't like a lot of the same things, and that I don't want to be in a relationship where my partner isn't passionate about me. I'm pretty sure we're done.

7. Early March - We have another prolonged discussion, where I tell her that I think she just sees me as a good friend to kiss and cuddle with occasionally, but that's it. She agrees. I'm almost certain we're done.

8. Mid-March - The night before I leave for the Icebox, we stay up late watching The Wire and fail to talk about the situation before I leave. Once I get to the Icebox, we have awkward short phone conversations.

9. Late March - Maxine comes to visit. Things are pleasant - fun, even, for the most part. The night before she leaves, we stay out late with old friends of hers. We get three hours of sleep. Again, we don't talk about the situation.

And...you're caught up.

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It's proved very hard to talk to her about this. I have a feeling that she really doesn't want to deal with this, and she's shown a willingness to "settle" in a relationship, which is a quality I don't have. Looking long term, it seems pretty clear that this isn't going to work - a fact that has been nothing short of devastating for me these past two months. Short term, however...well, things are pretty good.

And, honestly, I'm really reluctant to move on from this because I'm so intertwined with her. I love her very much. We have seven and a half years of history together. It's very hard for me to picture my life without her. But, as much as I want to be with her, I also want to be in a fantastic relationship. And I see so many of my friends who are really and truly happy with their significant others...and I can't lie to myself. I don't have that anymore. I did once, but for whatever reason I can't get back there.

I've worried myself sick about this for two months, and I just don't know what to do. Or, more accurately, I know what I should do, but I can't bring myself to do it.

the madness has begun!

I love the NCAA Tournament. Especially when I'm working on a show. That usually allows me plenty of time to sit on the couch and watch games.

My Final Four this year is Louisville, Memphis, Pitt, and (unfortunately) Carolina. I've got Pitt beating Lousiville in the championship game...

a visitor

Finally warming up here in the Icebox. And I'm discovering that it's a pretty cool city. For one thing, things actually stay open here past midnight. If I'm hungry at 1:30 in the morning, I actually have several options. Amazing!

It's also a pretty great town for theater; the audiences are knowledgeable and also fairly young. The response to the show has been good, too (it's been good everywhere we go, though, so that's nothing new).

Maxine is coming to visit on Saturday for a few days. I'm a bit nervous because I've got four shows over the weekend, so I'm not quite sure what to do with her. She'll come see one of the matinees, and maybe a couple of shows that are also in the same complex, but still...that's a lot of downtime.

I'm also nervous because things have been pretty crappy between us lately. That's been one of the major reasons I haven't been posting the last couple of months; I didn't know what to say about it, and it's been the major thing consuming space in my brain. I'm working on writing something about it, but that enables me knowing exactly how I feel and what I want, which is part of the problem.

For now, I'm just going to go to Trader Joe's. That will solve one problem in my life - the lack of food in my fridge...

the return

I'm back.

Battered and bruised and exhausted, but I'm here. Yay.

In the last city of my tour; we'll call it IceBox because it's frickin' freezing up here. Like, Arctic. Hopefully I'll have some hot gossip to spit at you.

The trip home was grueling. Maxine and I...well, that deserves its' own post. The apartment shit dragged on and on...but I finally moved in last Friday. Very exciting times.

Need to make dinner before tonight's show, but I just wanted to check in and let everybody know I'm still alive and in one piece. More details to come.