Films About Ghosts

If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts...
- Counting Crows

It's always weird, coming back to the Hamlet. I have such mixed feelings about this place. On one hand, it's great to see all of my old friends, and go to my favorite restaurants, and see the awesome cocktail waitress at my bar. But on the other hand, the ghosts of my friends who are gone float over everything that I do. I suppose that it might be better if these friends would come up and visit at the same time as me. But, alas, we can never seem to work the kinks in our schedules out.

Did a lot of odds and ends today - dentist, eye doctor. Visited an old friend (who I've had the biggest crush on for the longest time, but it's not gonna happen). Had coffee with a colleague to learn more about this program I'm doing. Talked to an old flame. Chased internet access - how will I survive two and a half weeks without internet in my room? It's not possible.

More soon. Especially if I can figure out a way to get online in my dorm...

wake up, hamlet!

Big family BBQ yesterday. Good times. Good eats. Meat of all shapes and sizes - my brother even made a lamb burger at one point, which was high comedy. If you missed it...well, it's your loss, 'cause we all had a great time.

Off to Sleepy Hamlet t'm'row for three weeks of educating the youth of America. It's going to be weird being back there for a long period of time. My previous trips, I could rationalize not being involved in the shows: "I've got a couple of days off," or, "I haven't started rehearsal yet." But there will be no getting around the reality this time. I'm not sure how it will feel.

Not that I've been a champ at posting anything lately, but my presence online will be even more sporadic while I'm there - I'm pretty much working 16 hour days, so I'll be pretty exhausted when computer time comes around. I'll try to put short blurbs up, but don't expect too much of my keen insights or anything. (This, of course, means that you'll be treated to three straight weeks of thousand-word posts.)

Keep it real...

Weather Woes

It's SO hot in New York City.

Tonight, while I was trying to get home to Queens, we had a crazy experience where a train stopped and made everyone get off several stations ahead of the end of the line (to make matters worse, the station was outside, so we all had to leave the air-conditioned train whooshing us to our homes and stand in the still, muggy, soupy air). And then, after about 15-20 minutes, they brought in a new subway car on a different level, so we all ran down the steps and got situated in the new car. And THEN, after 5-10 minutes in the new car, the conductor announced that the train was actually going the OTHER way, so we all had to get off again and run back up the stairs and squeeze our way onto a jam-packed train. I actually had a little girl standing on my foot.

So, as you can imagine, I was a happy camper when I got home.

The weather is putting a lot of stress on the electrical grid. We had flickering lights several times this evening, and there were reports that there was a fire underground (I actually did see smoke pouring out of a manhole, which is not something you expect to see in July; January, maybe). I live in constant fear that my AC is going to shut off. If that happens, I won't sleep at all, I can promise you that.

This heat makes me anxious for my three-week sojourn to Sleepy Hamlet to educate the masses. I leave a week from today - technically, now it's six days...

An Inconvenient Truth...

...is an excellent movie. You should see it. Democrat, Republican, Socialist, Communist, whatever. We only get one planet, people. Let's try not to fuck it up too badly.

www.climatecrisis.net

Let me know what you think of it.

lazy summer/phone numbers

So...you may have noticed that I haven't been posting as much lately.

(Pause while you scroll down the page and verify that fact.)

And, if you're got a really sharp memory, you may remember that I didn't post a whole lot last summer, either.

(Pause while you flip through last year's archives to verify that fact.)

There's just something about hot weather that makes me...well...lazy. I feel like I can't get anything accomplished. I just want to lay around all day drinking refreshing beverages, like mango lemonade, or a cool Corona w/lemon. Hence, my writing suffers.

This fact is really frustrating when it comes to my journals. I look back to see what I was up to and I find whole months missing. It's kind of like being out of touch with a person for a month or two. If I could travel back in time, I would visit my then-self and gently remind him to write down what he was thinking/feeling, so that we could remember it later.

I'd also tell him to bet heavily on the Steelers in '05.

---------------

New topic.

Yesterday I got phone numbers from two ladies. Actually, if I'm being accurate, I got a phone number from one young woman, and gave my phone number to the second.

Pretty pimpish, right?

However, I must confess my reasons for doing so.

I did not ask for their numbers solely because they were hot chicks that I wanted to get with - although I do.

I really asked for their numbers to prove a point to myself. Mainly, that it's ok for me to start talking to someone that I don't know. I'm sure that I've asked dozens of women for their numbers in the past, but more often than not the relationship has been facilitated by another person - frequently the woman whose number I receive.

I'm just not good at starting a conversation. A couple of my female friends keep telling me, "You're attractive enough so that you should be able to walk up and start talking to anyone you want." I don't believe them.

And the other thing is...I just don't want to be seen as the skeezy guy who rolls up and says, "You know, I like every muscle in your body. Especially mine." Or, "Excuse me, miss. Are those space pants you're wearing? Because your ass is out of this world!" Not that I'd roll up with lines like those, but I feel like women can smell a man hitting on them a mile away.

So what ends up happening is, to avoid becoming the skeezy guy, I make myself seem like the really nice and friendly guy. Someone who is nice, and caring, and sensitive (but still manly). And then I make my move. Except that, 90% of the time, I get trapped in the Friend Zone.

NOOOOOOOO!

(Note: I really am that nice, sensitive (but manly), caring guy. It just comes across a little differently if I want to make out with you.)

Anyway, yesterday's events mean that, perhaps, I'm turning over a new leaf. I'll let you know how the "dates" go...

change of plans

Looks like I may be staying in the Big Apple longer than I thought. I've had a job conflict that I've known about for a long period of time, and it came to a head on Friday. I had to ditch one of them, so now it looks like that I'll be back in Queens once I finish my stint in Sleepy Hamlet.

See? This is why I don't make concrete plans more than a month in advance!

a rambling explosion of feeling (you've been warned)

Fireworks are popping outside my window as I write this.

I don't feel much like celebrating.

I feel, today, on our country's 230th birthday, as if I don't have much of a place of my own. And I don't mean this in a housing sense, in any type of physical sense. I guess I feel lost in the shuffle of life.

No one really called me and asked me if I wanted to be included in their 4th plans. This is not to say that I couldn't have picked up the phone myself and said, "Hey, what are you doing? Mind if I tag along?" I've done that very thing before, and I'm sure that I'll do it again. If I want to amuse myself, I usually find a way. (One person did call me and asked me to do something. That person is no where to be found. I already left one message; I'm not going to go begging for them to hang out with me.)

But, being back in "my city", I have no sense of community, no circle of friends who I can rely on, you know? I used to have that here, the first time around. I had a great group in Sleepy Hamlet. I've always had one, wherever I was. But here - the old bonds aren't there. Everyone is married, or moved away, or doing their own thing. And I'm still floating.

I actually really wanted to hang out with my X today - not necessarily because I want things to "rekindle" between us so much as I wanted to spend part of the holiday with someone that I'm really close with. But she had some project stuff that she needed to work on...and then she wasn't able to work on it as much as she would have liked, and she had to cancel our plans, and so the entire afternoon that I waited around for her was all for naught. (She felt bad, and she apologized, and because my feelings were hurt I didn't really respond right away, and then she cried, and then i felt bad for hurting her feelings.) I'm sure that part of my funk has to do with my relationship with her - things that I want that I'm not getting/will never get from her, etc. But that's all part of the larger issue - I feel adrift.

I know that I'll wake up t'm'row and feel fine. I've got plans t'm'row and Thursday. I've got an audition this week and job prospects on the horizon. Part of me is really looking forward to getting back to work, to (gasp!) getting out of New York. I'll totally be ok. I guess I just have to wallow in the depths of my emotions for a while. That's ok, right?