"each day gets better"

Yeah, right.

Sorry for the blatant pessimism...it just hasn't been the best of days. I'm having a "bad Maxine day", meaning that I miss her a lot and can't stop thinking about her and want to call her and say why can't we work this out? Even though I know we can't.

I'm also frustrated because I don't have a job, and my New York unemployment (which was supposed to start paying me today) is all messed up. I have no idea when I'm going to get any money, and even when I do it probably won't be enough to live on. I'll be lucky if I can cover all of my bills.

And I still don't have internet at home.

I just want to fast forward to the end of May and see where I'm at. I feel like things will be better for me in a month. I'm just tired of being unhappy/frustrated/sad. I'd like an attitude transplant, please.

really really over

We got together last night, ostensibly so that I could pick up my stuff from her place, but mostly so that we could have some closure. It was a good conversation, for the most part. We're pretty much on the same page, I think. Well, mostly.

It was almost fun for the first couple of hours, but the last ten minutes or so, when I was trying to leave - so painful. Lots of crying, hugging, etc. It was easily one of the worst moments of my life. I bawled like a baby.

Today, however, I feel much better than I expected to. Lighter, freer, sort of. The burden that I've been carrying around for the past three months is gone. I'm still very sad, and I know that will come in increasingly diminishing waves over the next few months, but the sun came up this morning, and I'm still alive. So that's a positive thing.

Now, if I could just get online from my apartment...

the deed is done

I broke up with her last night. I don't have the energy to give a full blow-by-blow; besides, we're meeting on Saturday. I was just going to go over and pick up my stuff when she was gone, but she said that she "didn't want to end things like this", so there will be one more conversation. I've been crying a lot, but I think I've gone twelve hours now, so that's a positive sign.

I'm really, really sad.

I don't have internet at my place, so I will be even more scarce than usual for a couple of weeks. Looking forward to unburdening my soul soon.

today's melancholy

I'm fairly sad today.

Today is my last day doing this show. This group has been together for six months; some of us did this play three years ago in Steak City.

Doing a play on the road is a funny thing. You are thrown together with a group of strangers, and somehow, over the course of a few weeks, you become family. It's always a little bit sad knowing that you'll probably never have the group together in a similar situation again. Sometimes the bond lasts; more often than not, you may exchange an e-mail or two, or chat at an audition, but that's the extent of the future interaction.

That's part of what made this production special - we got the family back together again!

I've been thinking back to the dinner break after our first rehearsal in Bluff City. The six of us who had done the play before went to a little restaurant, crammed into a tiny booth, and picked up exactly where we had left off. It was almost like no time had passed at all. It's rare to have that kind of a bond with your castmates.

Unfortunately, when something like this ends, you really know that it's not ever happening again. And spending six months with the same people...well, real relationships form. I'm as close to two of the people in this cast as any of my friends in my life. (Thankfully, one of them lives in New York.)

I feel so lucky to have spent this time working on this show with these people. And I am excited about what's next for me (more on that next week). But right now, moments before our final show begins, I'm mourning the end of this experience.

update

Brief conversation with Maxine last week on the topic of our relationship - it lasted maybe ten minutes. Her perspective hasn't changed, and she still doesn't really seem to want to talk about things. The only reason why things were brought up is because she gets upset when I talk about taking off to random cities for jobs without talking to her about it. "It feels like you're just making these decisions unilaterally, without taking me into account."

"Well, if I'm not sure what the status of our relationship is, I kind of need to look out for myself, don't I?"

We agreed to talk when I get back; I think that will probably be the end of things.

So that I don't leave you all with strictly negative news, it looks as though I may have some interesting job options in the near future. I have to put together a couple of auditions, which could lead to some interesting storytelling (when I get over this hump and start writing regularly again). More on this as it develops.