let's try this again

OK, I'm back.

Wait, you didn't know I left again? Well, I did. I had computer issues (again, this time with the actual computer) that prevented me from getting online again - two days after I got internet access in my apartment. What's next, a plague of locusts?

Before we go any farther, however, I'd like to have a minute of silence for my laptop's dearly departed DVD player (three weeks ago) and hard drive (Thursday). They are survived by the rest of my laptop, my iPod, and (thankfully) my external hard drive.









Thank you.

I suppose that my return to blogging is just in time, because I'm about to depart for three different fun places. I head to the beach for a week on Saturday; then, after a week back in the city I go to Sleepy Hamlet for three weeks; and then, after a brief stopover at home, I'm headed to the Alma Mater for a week. It's a full life.

There's so much to report on - how I'm doing post-breakup, how many random dates I've been on since then, how I enjoy living in my own apartment - but I'm going to save them for a time when my body's not running on a salad and twenty ounces of Belgium beer. I PROMISE that updates will now come more frequently.*


* - as long as nothing else freaky happens

i can't believe it

I'm back, baby.

Yeah.

Internet in the crib. So nice.

Uh-huh.

I had the day off from my crappy temp job, and I've spent most of it on the internets, refamiliarizing myself with the lay of the land. It's been pretty nice.

So...expect to see me a lot more. But for right now, please excuse me. I have to prepare for my date.

Wednesday

...marks my triumphant return. I'm looking forward to rejoining the virtual world. It will be interesting to see if I have any readers left...

guess where I am?

A Starbucks.

That's right.

Time Warner Cable has failed me...again. Failed us all, really.

I have no idea when I'll be able to get back online again from home. It's one thing to go a week or two without internet access...but TWO MONTHS? It's ridiculous. I wish I had a better option. (I mean, there are other options, but they all come with super-high prices and/or data limits, which are non-starters for me.)

So...yeah. Hopefully, I'll be back soon.

(sigh)

June 15

That's the date that my internet is supposed to be back up. You're actually pretty lucky that I'm not blogging every day right now - my days aren't very exciting. It's usually a variant of the following routine.

- wake up
- turn on NY1
- breakfast
- channel surfing (usually between ESPN, TLC, and MTV)
- gym
- home to shower/lunch
- coffee shop to internet
- home for dinner
- more TV (usually NBA hoops)
- sleep

Occasionally I'll hang out with a friend. But that's pretty much it.

I know, I know, it sounds sad. I'm actually feeling more motivation as of late. I'm hopeful that I'm getting back to my true self, post-breakup. And you'll hear all about it...as soon as Time Warner gets things going...

i graduated from college ten years ago today

Wow, do I feel old.

Internet hoping coming in the next couple of weeks. Check back June 1.

a hiatus-breaking comment

Because I have to tell someone:

You know what drives me crazy?

I go into a fine coffee establishment that advertises "free" wireless. Because, you know, you're supposed to pay for the internet by purchasing something, I do. A cup of coffee. A muffin. A cupcake. All of the above.

Then I find a seat. Pull out my laptop. Plug it in...and the f'n internet doesn't work.

Seriously?

You couldn't, like, put up a sign saying that it's down? Idiots.

I hate that.

internet hiatus

Because I can't reliably get online, I'm going to hold off on posting for a while. I'm writing some things in my journal, and will get them up when I get internet in my new place. And that will happen whenever Time Warner decides to stop dickin' around.

Back soon, promise.

"each day gets better"

Yeah, right.

Sorry for the blatant pessimism...it just hasn't been the best of days. I'm having a "bad Maxine day", meaning that I miss her a lot and can't stop thinking about her and want to call her and say why can't we work this out? Even though I know we can't.

I'm also frustrated because I don't have a job, and my New York unemployment (which was supposed to start paying me today) is all messed up. I have no idea when I'm going to get any money, and even when I do it probably won't be enough to live on. I'll be lucky if I can cover all of my bills.

And I still don't have internet at home.

I just want to fast forward to the end of May and see where I'm at. I feel like things will be better for me in a month. I'm just tired of being unhappy/frustrated/sad. I'd like an attitude transplant, please.

really really over

We got together last night, ostensibly so that I could pick up my stuff from her place, but mostly so that we could have some closure. It was a good conversation, for the most part. We're pretty much on the same page, I think. Well, mostly.

It was almost fun for the first couple of hours, but the last ten minutes or so, when I was trying to leave - so painful. Lots of crying, hugging, etc. It was easily one of the worst moments of my life. I bawled like a baby.

Today, however, I feel much better than I expected to. Lighter, freer, sort of. The burden that I've been carrying around for the past three months is gone. I'm still very sad, and I know that will come in increasingly diminishing waves over the next few months, but the sun came up this morning, and I'm still alive. So that's a positive thing.

Now, if I could just get online from my apartment...

the deed is done

I broke up with her last night. I don't have the energy to give a full blow-by-blow; besides, we're meeting on Saturday. I was just going to go over and pick up my stuff when she was gone, but she said that she "didn't want to end things like this", so there will be one more conversation. I've been crying a lot, but I think I've gone twelve hours now, so that's a positive sign.

I'm really, really sad.

I don't have internet at my place, so I will be even more scarce than usual for a couple of weeks. Looking forward to unburdening my soul soon.

today's melancholy

I'm fairly sad today.

Today is my last day doing this show. This group has been together for six months; some of us did this play three years ago in Steak City.

Doing a play on the road is a funny thing. You are thrown together with a group of strangers, and somehow, over the course of a few weeks, you become family. It's always a little bit sad knowing that you'll probably never have the group together in a similar situation again. Sometimes the bond lasts; more often than not, you may exchange an e-mail or two, or chat at an audition, but that's the extent of the future interaction.

That's part of what made this production special - we got the family back together again!

I've been thinking back to the dinner break after our first rehearsal in Bluff City. The six of us who had done the play before went to a little restaurant, crammed into a tiny booth, and picked up exactly where we had left off. It was almost like no time had passed at all. It's rare to have that kind of a bond with your castmates.

Unfortunately, when something like this ends, you really know that it's not ever happening again. And spending six months with the same people...well, real relationships form. I'm as close to two of the people in this cast as any of my friends in my life. (Thankfully, one of them lives in New York.)

I feel so lucky to have spent this time working on this show with these people. And I am excited about what's next for me (more on that next week). But right now, moments before our final show begins, I'm mourning the end of this experience.

update

Brief conversation with Maxine last week on the topic of our relationship - it lasted maybe ten minutes. Her perspective hasn't changed, and she still doesn't really seem to want to talk about things. The only reason why things were brought up is because she gets upset when I talk about taking off to random cities for jobs without talking to her about it. "It feels like you're just making these decisions unilaterally, without taking me into account."

"Well, if I'm not sure what the status of our relationship is, I kind of need to look out for myself, don't I?"

We agreed to talk when I get back; I think that will probably be the end of things.

So that I don't leave you all with strictly negative news, it looks as though I may have some interesting job options in the near future. I have to put together a couple of auditions, which could lead to some interesting storytelling (when I get over this hump and start writing regularly again). More on this as it develops.

the verge

I'm having serious problems with Maxine, and I (we) are thinking of calling it quits.

I've been planning to write this blog entry, in one form or another, for the past two months. I managed to put it off for several reasons: I was moving, I was sick, I didn't quite know what to say, I didn't know what I truly felt or wanted, I was moving again, I was working, etc. So many excuses.

One of the main reasons why I didn't want to go into detail about this is because I feel like more and more of the people who read this actually know Maxine, and I don't want things that I write here to affect how they may feel about her. This is silly, of course, especially because many of these same people have been along on this seven-and-a-half year long ride, and have witnessed the ups and downs in greater detail than what has been written about here. Is there really a difference if I complain orally or verbally?

So (deep breath) here I go.

**************

The problems (this new set, anyway) started a while ago - we can probably trace it to this incident. There have been some "physical issues" dating back to the summer. I also remember feeling strangely upset and estranged from her in October when she left the country for three weeks. But the things that really got the ball rolling were:

1. Early December - she off-handedly mentions that she views me as more of a "companion". It bothers me, but I say nothing and forget about it.

2. Christmas Eve - I invite one of my best friends (who Maxine is estranged from) to spend Christmas with my family because she has no where else to go. Maxine flips out. We barely speak for three days, and then have a blowout on the phone.

3. Mid-January - we have a phone conversation about said "physical issues", and she mentions that she "does not love me in the same way"; she "is scared of being alone", and, once again, she views me as more of a "companion". She then leaves for a five day vacation.

It's here that what she says really hits me. I go into a deep funk for three days.

4. Late January - I have a conversation with my mother, who tells me that she thinks Maxine and I may be better off as friends. I contemplate breaking things off over the phone. I have a long conversation with my brother, who urges me to wait until I get back to New York. I decide to wait.

5. Lots of girls hit on me.

6. Late February - I come back home to New York. Maxine gets mad at me for seeing the same estranged friend from Christmas and mentions that she never got over it from then. We have a blowout, where we establish that we don't like a lot of the same things, and that I don't want to be in a relationship where my partner isn't passionate about me. I'm pretty sure we're done.

7. Early March - We have another prolonged discussion, where I tell her that I think she just sees me as a good friend to kiss and cuddle with occasionally, but that's it. She agrees. I'm almost certain we're done.

8. Mid-March - The night before I leave for the Icebox, we stay up late watching The Wire and fail to talk about the situation before I leave. Once I get to the Icebox, we have awkward short phone conversations.

9. Late March - Maxine comes to visit. Things are pleasant - fun, even, for the most part. The night before she leaves, we stay out late with old friends of hers. We get three hours of sleep. Again, we don't talk about the situation.

And...you're caught up.

************

It's proved very hard to talk to her about this. I have a feeling that she really doesn't want to deal with this, and she's shown a willingness to "settle" in a relationship, which is a quality I don't have. Looking long term, it seems pretty clear that this isn't going to work - a fact that has been nothing short of devastating for me these past two months. Short term, however...well, things are pretty good.

And, honestly, I'm really reluctant to move on from this because I'm so intertwined with her. I love her very much. We have seven and a half years of history together. It's very hard for me to picture my life without her. But, as much as I want to be with her, I also want to be in a fantastic relationship. And I see so many of my friends who are really and truly happy with their significant others...and I can't lie to myself. I don't have that anymore. I did once, but for whatever reason I can't get back there.

I've worried myself sick about this for two months, and I just don't know what to do. Or, more accurately, I know what I should do, but I can't bring myself to do it.

the madness has begun!

I love the NCAA Tournament. Especially when I'm working on a show. That usually allows me plenty of time to sit on the couch and watch games.

My Final Four this year is Louisville, Memphis, Pitt, and (unfortunately) Carolina. I've got Pitt beating Lousiville in the championship game...

a visitor

Finally warming up here in the Icebox. And I'm discovering that it's a pretty cool city. For one thing, things actually stay open here past midnight. If I'm hungry at 1:30 in the morning, I actually have several options. Amazing!

It's also a pretty great town for theater; the audiences are knowledgeable and also fairly young. The response to the show has been good, too (it's been good everywhere we go, though, so that's nothing new).

Maxine is coming to visit on Saturday for a few days. I'm a bit nervous because I've got four shows over the weekend, so I'm not quite sure what to do with her. She'll come see one of the matinees, and maybe a couple of shows that are also in the same complex, but still...that's a lot of downtime.

I'm also nervous because things have been pretty crappy between us lately. That's been one of the major reasons I haven't been posting the last couple of months; I didn't know what to say about it, and it's been the major thing consuming space in my brain. I'm working on writing something about it, but that enables me knowing exactly how I feel and what I want, which is part of the problem.

For now, I'm just going to go to Trader Joe's. That will solve one problem in my life - the lack of food in my fridge...

the return

I'm back.

Battered and bruised and exhausted, but I'm here. Yay.

In the last city of my tour; we'll call it IceBox because it's frickin' freezing up here. Like, Arctic. Hopefully I'll have some hot gossip to spit at you.

The trip home was grueling. Maxine and I...well, that deserves its' own post. The apartment shit dragged on and on...but I finally moved in last Friday. Very exciting times.

Need to make dinner before tonight's show, but I just wanted to check in and let everybody know I'm still alive and in one piece. More details to come.

home sweet homeless

Sorry, folks. There's been a lot going on in my life, but I don't really comfortable blogging about much of it in detail. And since the heavy stuff is what's on my mind, I'm better off not writing anything at all.

Yesterday, however, was an all-time terrible day. Consider the following sequence of events, in chronological order:

- woke up and had a "relationship discussion" with the girlfriend; let's just say things are in a precarious position right now

- found out that I would not be moving into my apartment this week, as I had anticipated, because the federal agency that has been screwing me the past six months wanted one mo' gin

- discovered that I had given away the door key to my old apartment, meaning that I had to wait outside to be let in

- discovered that I had not received all my W-2s/1099s, which was bad news, because I needed to take them to my agency-screwing on Thursday morning, meaning I had to make an extra trip

The day did get better; my friend took me to a basketball game. That was pretty cool. Still, there were several points yesterday when I wanted to climb back in bed and start all over.

Back soon, hopefully with better news.

the best laid plans...

Remember my earlier blogging plans for 2009? Yeah, that's going real well.

In other news, we are now entering the fifth year of this blog's existence. I don't know that I had any grand plans for this when I started (and I really don't think I'm having that much of an impact) but I'm kind of amazed that this has lasted so long. Life takes funny twists and turns.

I've got a really hellacious stretch (three doubles in four days) coming up here, but I should have some interesting stories to tell - and I'll be back in NYC in ten days...

i love this cover

It's not often that a magazine cover makes me laugh out loud. This one did.

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