i AM an asshole...

I feel like such a shit.

Remember GISS (Girl I'm Sorta Seeing)? I broke things off with her tonight. We've had kind of a funky relationship - opposite coasts for the past eight months. We were never really together (hence the "sorta" label), and I was always really honest with her - about how I felt, what I was doing, if I was dating, etc. People would always ask me about the future of the relationship and I would always say, "We'll see what happens when we get into the same place." Just tried not to worry about it, you know? We'll see what happens down the road.

But then, about a week ago, I had a conversation with her, where she mentioned three things:

1. Her sister felt like we shouldn't be talking, because I was bad for her.

2. GISS would get extremely jealous of me spending time with other girls.

3. We had been doing...this...whatever...for almost a year.


It was the third one that really got me. Here I am, in this quasi-relationship for a year, and where is it going? Do I really want to be with this person? Is she the love of my life? Am I in love with her?

Sometimes, when you start asking the hard questions, you wish you hadn't asked them.

And then, there's this (and no way for me to say it without sounding like a dick): I think she was more into it than I was. And for a while (until last week) I merely took the position, "Well, she's a grown woman, and I'm telling her the truth, so that's on her." But then my brother made an excellent point - if you care about someone, are you really going to do things that hurt them? "If you don't give a shit," he said, "then keep doing what you're doing. But if you really care about her, you probably shouldn't let things go too much farther, if you don't think you're going to end up with her."

She's awesome - she treated me very well, supportive, sent me care packages, likes sports, and...well, I was very happy with our "quality time"...like off the charts happy. But there were little things that got on my nerves, and at the end of the day...she's a great woman, but I just don't think she's for me. So I had to pull the trigger. Which I've only had to do twice before in my whole life - girls normally break up with me. I thought it was supposed to be easier on this side...

When will I stop feeling like an ass?

a good trip

Hello! Anybody out there?

Either my life is no longer compelling (a distinct possibility) or summer has pulled everyone away from their computers and into the great wide open. Which is not necessarily a bad thing.

Back from a great trip home. My brother showed up, too, so all of us were together, which doesn't happen very often. I got to go to a baseball game, see some old high school buddies, and make a couple of work connections. I think there's a decent chance that I may actually get to work near my hometown. That would make my mother's year.

The only thing that sucked was my plane flight home - we were delayed for an hour and a half due to inclement weather in New York. I generally don't mind airports, but I've been travelling so much lately that I just want to get where I'm going as quickly as possible. So I wasn't a happy camper. But I made it back safe and sound, and that's what's important.

I probably should go to bed, or work on the sides for my upcoming audition, but I'm too antsy. I was hoping to go out with a friend tonight, but I think she's probably headed to bed. And I don't really have anyone in the neighborhood that shares the kind of hours I do. (Actually, I really don't have any friends in the neighborhood.) So I guess I'll just aimlessly surf the internet for a while, until I feel like falling asleep. Anyone know of any new exciting blogs I need to look at?

have computer, will blog

I always get excited when there's free wi-fi in an airport. Then I feel like an on-the-scene reporter, giving you a close-up into my life. Unfortunately, it's not all that exciting lately.

So I'm sitting at JFK, waiting to fly home for the weekend. Should be good times. I've got an audition for one of the hometown theaters, and the fam and I are going to go to a baseball game, so I can finally see New Hotness Stadium. The city built it a few years ago, but I've never been home during the summer (this is actually the first summer I haven't had an acting job in seven years, which is a ridiculous streak), so I'm pretty excited.

And, of course, I'm flying the world's most perfect airline, JetBlue. Buttery leather seats, extra leg room, DirecTV...this is how you're supposed to fly. And I get to fly them next weekend, too! Almost makes me WANT to travel. Almost.

Catch y'all on the flip side.

road weary

I realized, while talking to a friend last night, that I've set myself up to fly places two weekends in a row.

There are some days where I just get tired of living out of a suitcase.

shocker!

Went to see SNAKES ON A PLANE this afternoon with my lil' bro.

Um...

Yeah...

Well...

...it was actually good!

Not, like, Oscar good. But good in a popcorn kind of way. Satisfying, if you will. A classic disaster film - you know what you're going to get, and it does it fairly well. It also helped that our audience was fantastic. If you can hear people commenting on the commercials, or actually booing the previews, you are in good hands. It's got to be a group that's willing to applaud when they see the title on screen, and whoop it up, etc.

So...(I can't believe I'm saying this)...I think you should go see it! Seriously.

aftermath (sleepy)

If I could have only posted when I left the house of my X...I was full of insightful comments and remarks. Then came an hour ten on the subway. So, all I have to say is this: we're still going to talk, but not as often, and not about things that will make each other crazy (i.e. our dating lives).

Mostly a good conversation - not contentious, though very sad at times. I guess the worst thing, for me, is that I kinda feel like I want to be in a relationship with her, that most of the problems that we've had in the past have come from (a) insecurity or (b) not being completely honest. And those are VERY hard things for me to admit - especially when the rest of the world thinks that this relationship is a bad idea.

That's all for now - I'm so tired I actually fell asleep on the train. That never happens. More later.

In other news...

...go to www.shaveeverywhere.com - then report back. Funny shit.

blech!

That is the sound of me spilling my guts.

I'm a journaler - a person who journals, whatever. And whenever I write in my journal, I have a little ritual. I look at the date I last wrote something, and then I look at the current date, and then I read all entries in my journal between those dates, in chronological order. Example: if I'm writing today, and I last wrote on July 14, I'll read everything dated between 7/14 and 8/17, starting in 2000 and working my way back to the present.

I do this because it's nice to see what was going on in my life at those times. Sometimes I detect patterns - relationship drama in June, for instance, or money woes in November - and sometimes I feel like I have no connection to the words I wrote just a year or two before. And, occasionally, I may read entries from other dates. Then I make my entry into the journal, and that's that.

Today I received some news concerning my X that, while not unexpected, nonetheless completely threw me for a loop. I put on a brave face, but I was pretty upset. And I stewed in my bad mood all evening - South Park and Drawn Together and Colbert doing their best to pull me out of it. I knew I was going to write about what I was feeling, and I was thinking of writing each emotion on a different line. And I thought, "Hey, I did that before." So I went back into my journal and found that entry - January 4, 2004. Three days after X and I broke up.

And guess what?

The words on the page...matched the exact feelings I was going through tonight.

Which is completely, utterly ridiculous.

This is an excerpt. ( I said I was spilling my guts, right?)

...I guess I'm feeling so many different things right now I can't tell what's valid and what's crap. Just making a short list, I feel:

- sad
- angry
- rejected
- free
- lonely
- unworthy (of love/human affection)
- jealousy
- nothing

I could go on, but I fear the list makes me look crazy...

...I guess I'm just frustrated, because I did my homework. I went back to NY and I partied and dated and hooked up with girls, and now I know that I want to be w/X. And it was hard for me to do all of that stuff, and I beat myself up over it every step of the way, but I did it, and I learned a lot, and I found out the answer. And I finish the exam and hand it it...and when I look back at X's paper, she's barely finished the first question. So am I suppposed to sit here and wait for her to finish? I want to be with her, but I want to be with her now. And if I'm not with her, I have to start getting over her...

...Here's what I don't get - if you love someone you want to be with, why would you let them go? I don't know exactly what X has to do - is it just other guys? - but why can't she do it while she's with me? I'm tired of thinking about this and dealing with this...


OK, it's not an exact match, but it's pretty close.

So, tonight, I decided that, no matter what happens when I see X on Friday, something has to happen. I don't know which direction I'm going to go - but I have to go somewhere. It's been two and a half years of standing still. Inertia. It has to stop.

I've never shared anything from my journal before. Thanks for reading. And, hey, keep it to yourself, all right?

next stop: QNS

Leaving Sleepy Hamlet t'm'row. I really thought about staying for a few extra days - one of my best friends is coming up for the weekend - but I just can't do it. I feel like I've built up a lot of momentum from my time here, and sitting on my butt for three or four days might slow me down. So I need to get back to the city and really go for it.

8 weeks left in NYC. I was supposed to go to a city college and perform and teach, but it overlapped with a job I'm doing in Cowtown at the end of the year, so I turned it down. A reprieve for Queens! Now I need to decide whether or not I should take a job.

Flying all day t'm'row, so you'll hear from me on Wednesday.

Bad blogger!

My hand should be slapped, 'cause I've been so bad with blogging lately. But, finally my 17-hour-a-day job is completed. I'll be spending a couple more days in Sleepy Hamlet, and then it's back to NY for a couple of months.

The thing that I'm most excited about is having a drink. Due to some ridiculous rules, I wasn't allowed to consume ANY alcohol at all while working in this program. So you know that I'm gonna have a couple of drinks tonight. Sweet sweet beer...how I've missed you...

I keep misspelling words, which is a sign to me that I need to take a nap. More soon (for reals)...

missed connection

When I was in Sleepy Hamlet back in April, I met this girl that I've been chatting with for a year on MySpace (we've actually got a friend in common, so it's not all THAT shady.) We only hung out for an hour or so at a really loud bar, but we totally hit it off, and there was a definite strong physical attraction. I'm not really into sleeping with someone right after meeting them, but I think that it may have happened had we spent a few more hours together.

So we continued e-mailing, but a few weeks after I left she got back together with her old boyfriend. They've been kind of off-again on-again, so I didn't think too much of it. And I thought, hey, when I come back to the Hamlet, they might not even be together. Maybe she could be Mrs. Rover.

(I've had this thing, ever since The Wedding of the Century, that I wonder who Mrs. Rover is. Have I met her before? Is it someone from my past? There's some stat that says that 95% of people have met their future spouse by age 25. Who is she? I'm not in a rush to settle down...but I'd really like to know who she is.)

Anyway, I let her know that I was back in town, and she sent me a cryptic e-mail, and I replied, and she wrote back with confirmation - she's pregnant. Guess that's not going anywhere, huh? I'm sure I'll still talk to her. This wasn't anything that I was banking on - I'm just a smidge disappointed because I was really interested to see where this would have gone. But, hey, best of luck to her and the baby and the baby daddy.

Besides, I've got a lot of ex-flames to see in this town. More on this soon...

Films About Ghosts

If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts...
- Counting Crows

It's always weird, coming back to the Hamlet. I have such mixed feelings about this place. On one hand, it's great to see all of my old friends, and go to my favorite restaurants, and see the awesome cocktail waitress at my bar. But on the other hand, the ghosts of my friends who are gone float over everything that I do. I suppose that it might be better if these friends would come up and visit at the same time as me. But, alas, we can never seem to work the kinks in our schedules out.

Did a lot of odds and ends today - dentist, eye doctor. Visited an old friend (who I've had the biggest crush on for the longest time, but it's not gonna happen). Had coffee with a colleague to learn more about this program I'm doing. Talked to an old flame. Chased internet access - how will I survive two and a half weeks without internet in my room? It's not possible.

More soon. Especially if I can figure out a way to get online in my dorm...

wake up, hamlet!

Big family BBQ yesterday. Good times. Good eats. Meat of all shapes and sizes - my brother even made a lamb burger at one point, which was high comedy. If you missed it...well, it's your loss, 'cause we all had a great time.

Off to Sleepy Hamlet t'm'row for three weeks of educating the youth of America. It's going to be weird being back there for a long period of time. My previous trips, I could rationalize not being involved in the shows: "I've got a couple of days off," or, "I haven't started rehearsal yet." But there will be no getting around the reality this time. I'm not sure how it will feel.

Not that I've been a champ at posting anything lately, but my presence online will be even more sporadic while I'm there - I'm pretty much working 16 hour days, so I'll be pretty exhausted when computer time comes around. I'll try to put short blurbs up, but don't expect too much of my keen insights or anything. (This, of course, means that you'll be treated to three straight weeks of thousand-word posts.)

Keep it real...

Weather Woes

It's SO hot in New York City.

Tonight, while I was trying to get home to Queens, we had a crazy experience where a train stopped and made everyone get off several stations ahead of the end of the line (to make matters worse, the station was outside, so we all had to leave the air-conditioned train whooshing us to our homes and stand in the still, muggy, soupy air). And then, after about 15-20 minutes, they brought in a new subway car on a different level, so we all ran down the steps and got situated in the new car. And THEN, after 5-10 minutes in the new car, the conductor announced that the train was actually going the OTHER way, so we all had to get off again and run back up the stairs and squeeze our way onto a jam-packed train. I actually had a little girl standing on my foot.

So, as you can imagine, I was a happy camper when I got home.

The weather is putting a lot of stress on the electrical grid. We had flickering lights several times this evening, and there were reports that there was a fire underground (I actually did see smoke pouring out of a manhole, which is not something you expect to see in July; January, maybe). I live in constant fear that my AC is going to shut off. If that happens, I won't sleep at all, I can promise you that.

This heat makes me anxious for my three-week sojourn to Sleepy Hamlet to educate the masses. I leave a week from today - technically, now it's six days...

An Inconvenient Truth...

...is an excellent movie. You should see it. Democrat, Republican, Socialist, Communist, whatever. We only get one planet, people. Let's try not to fuck it up too badly.

www.climatecrisis.net

Let me know what you think of it.

lazy summer/phone numbers

So...you may have noticed that I haven't been posting as much lately.

(Pause while you scroll down the page and verify that fact.)

And, if you're got a really sharp memory, you may remember that I didn't post a whole lot last summer, either.

(Pause while you flip through last year's archives to verify that fact.)

There's just something about hot weather that makes me...well...lazy. I feel like I can't get anything accomplished. I just want to lay around all day drinking refreshing beverages, like mango lemonade, or a cool Corona w/lemon. Hence, my writing suffers.

This fact is really frustrating when it comes to my journals. I look back to see what I was up to and I find whole months missing. It's kind of like being out of touch with a person for a month or two. If I could travel back in time, I would visit my then-self and gently remind him to write down what he was thinking/feeling, so that we could remember it later.

I'd also tell him to bet heavily on the Steelers in '05.

---------------

New topic.

Yesterday I got phone numbers from two ladies. Actually, if I'm being accurate, I got a phone number from one young woman, and gave my phone number to the second.

Pretty pimpish, right?

However, I must confess my reasons for doing so.

I did not ask for their numbers solely because they were hot chicks that I wanted to get with - although I do.

I really asked for their numbers to prove a point to myself. Mainly, that it's ok for me to start talking to someone that I don't know. I'm sure that I've asked dozens of women for their numbers in the past, but more often than not the relationship has been facilitated by another person - frequently the woman whose number I receive.

I'm just not good at starting a conversation. A couple of my female friends keep telling me, "You're attractive enough so that you should be able to walk up and start talking to anyone you want." I don't believe them.

And the other thing is...I just don't want to be seen as the skeezy guy who rolls up and says, "You know, I like every muscle in your body. Especially mine." Or, "Excuse me, miss. Are those space pants you're wearing? Because your ass is out of this world!" Not that I'd roll up with lines like those, but I feel like women can smell a man hitting on them a mile away.

So what ends up happening is, to avoid becoming the skeezy guy, I make myself seem like the really nice and friendly guy. Someone who is nice, and caring, and sensitive (but still manly). And then I make my move. Except that, 90% of the time, I get trapped in the Friend Zone.

NOOOOOOOO!

(Note: I really am that nice, sensitive (but manly), caring guy. It just comes across a little differently if I want to make out with you.)

Anyway, yesterday's events mean that, perhaps, I'm turning over a new leaf. I'll let you know how the "dates" go...

change of plans

Looks like I may be staying in the Big Apple longer than I thought. I've had a job conflict that I've known about for a long period of time, and it came to a head on Friday. I had to ditch one of them, so now it looks like that I'll be back in Queens once I finish my stint in Sleepy Hamlet.

See? This is why I don't make concrete plans more than a month in advance!

a rambling explosion of feeling (you've been warned)

Fireworks are popping outside my window as I write this.

I don't feel much like celebrating.

I feel, today, on our country's 230th birthday, as if I don't have much of a place of my own. And I don't mean this in a housing sense, in any type of physical sense. I guess I feel lost in the shuffle of life.

No one really called me and asked me if I wanted to be included in their 4th plans. This is not to say that I couldn't have picked up the phone myself and said, "Hey, what are you doing? Mind if I tag along?" I've done that very thing before, and I'm sure that I'll do it again. If I want to amuse myself, I usually find a way. (One person did call me and asked me to do something. That person is no where to be found. I already left one message; I'm not going to go begging for them to hang out with me.)

But, being back in "my city", I have no sense of community, no circle of friends who I can rely on, you know? I used to have that here, the first time around. I had a great group in Sleepy Hamlet. I've always had one, wherever I was. But here - the old bonds aren't there. Everyone is married, or moved away, or doing their own thing. And I'm still floating.

I actually really wanted to hang out with my X today - not necessarily because I want things to "rekindle" between us so much as I wanted to spend part of the holiday with someone that I'm really close with. But she had some project stuff that she needed to work on...and then she wasn't able to work on it as much as she would have liked, and she had to cancel our plans, and so the entire afternoon that I waited around for her was all for naught. (She felt bad, and she apologized, and because my feelings were hurt I didn't really respond right away, and then she cried, and then i felt bad for hurting her feelings.) I'm sure that part of my funk has to do with my relationship with her - things that I want that I'm not getting/will never get from her, etc. But that's all part of the larger issue - I feel adrift.

I know that I'll wake up t'm'row and feel fine. I've got plans t'm'row and Thursday. I've got an audition this week and job prospects on the horizon. Part of me is really looking forward to getting back to work, to (gasp!) getting out of New York. I'll totally be ok. I guess I just have to wallow in the depths of my emotions for a while. That's ok, right?

"Where do you find a woman fit for a king?"

"Queens!"

Not that I'm looking for that right now, mind you.

I've settled in yet another borough - so far, so good. One of the X's roommates also has a lease on a place out here, and no one's in the place (long story), so I'm helping him out for a month by subletting, and he in turn is saving my ass by giving me a place to live.

The place is cool. I have my own room, which is a nice change from the living room I was sleeping in, and the two guys who are here are very friendly. It's been a long time since I've lived with guys. That sounds like a weird statement, but it's true - it's been something like 3 1/2 years. Nice to have roommates who are just as crazy about sports as I am.

Went to the old Brooklyn apartment yesterday evening to collect the last of my things. Looking around that place, I realized that it was best that I go. The place is filthy, that kind of years-old grime that is almost impossible to scrub away; the cabinets are falling apart; the roof is leaking; the building is in need of a facelift.

And, most importantly, I was never comfortable there. Sure, I loved the neighborhood, and my friends were nearby, but the place itself never won me over. (Part of that might have been influenced by the crazy cats I was living with.) At least here I feel at ease, relaxed. Home. And part of me is excited to come back here in January and find a place of my own, either by myself or with a roommate. If I actually end up back here next year, that is.

My iPod looks like it's ready, so I'm going to try and load my music onto this computer. Wish me luck...

happy action fun time

Oh, folks, it's on. It's SO on!

Why is it on?

Because, my friends...I have my new computer.

It's pretty.

A gleaming new MacBook. Fully souped-up. Picked up Microsoft Office and a new iPod while I was at it, thank you very much.

So...do you know what this means?

It means...that you finally will be able to see pictures from my kick-ass vacation.

Pictures like this. -->

Prize to the person who can tell me what city this is in. Bonus if you can tell me where.

One more thing that must be done - I must name the new computer.

She's the new love of my life (in part because of how much coin I dropped on it...I mean, her; in part because there's no other prospects on the horizon), and she needs a new name. It was tough for me to pick the gleaming white model over the gleaming black model (insert Bright-Eyes' joke of choice here), so it needs an ethnic-sounding name. I'm feeling Egypt right now, so I'm thinking Isis. Check out a pic of the MacBooks and give me your suggestions, please...

Living situation post coming t'm'row...I just had to tell y'all about this one first...