a gift for you

Because I care about you, my readers, and because I'm a giver, I thought that I'd make good on my promise to post some of my vacation pics. I'm going to do this over the course of a few days - I mean, can't we all use themes? It makes posting easier - and I thought I'd start with my favorite picture of myself.

Now, I know I make a big deal of being "anonymous" on here, not putting my real name or location, even though many of you know exactly who and where I am. (I've explained this ad nauseum in the past, but that's basically because the acting community is so small that I don't want to run the risk of pissing someone off who can get me a job - or torpedo my career.) But I thought that this picture was so good, that I had to put it up. So here it is - my new self-portrait:




Aren't I a handsome man? ;-)

a PSA, because I care

I've had the pleasure of sitting in on auditions the last few days. And I've learned something very important. It's applicable to any presentation, not just acting:

When going in front of a group of people, make sure that you don't have anything hanging out of your nose. Especially when your nose is fairly large. Or if you're a "close talker".

There's really no excuse for not checking yourself out in the mirror before trying to land an important job. I mean, this person had to have blown their nose recently, right? That's the only excuse for...

I can't go on. It's too gross.

Fall

Less than two weeks to go - can you feel the excitement in the air, people?

Can you?

I'm starting to get that overwhelmed feeling, you know, when you look around your room and realize exactly how much shit you really have? It'll be fine - I have plans to tackle the mountain of crap early and often - but packing wouldn't be complete without that little twinge of ohmygodohmygodohmyGOD!

In other, less scary news (and speaking of feeling something in the air), fall is here, and I love it. My favorite season by far. I don't know if that has to do with my birthday, or the arrival of football season, but if I had to live in one thirty-day period for eternity, it would be September/October. It makes me ready to wear jackets and rake leaves into neat piles and drink apple cider and toss around a football and run through those neat piles of leaves at full speed, sending leaves all over the yard.

Off to meet a pretty lady and introduce her to the pleasures of yoga. (No, that's not a euphemism for the Kama Sutra. Or something else dirty.)

she's back!

My laptop, that is.

Now I can once again become a fully functioning member of the blogging world.

Countdown to Cowtown - 13 days and counting...

it's my party...

A word of advice to all of you:

Don't say you're going to do things...and then not do them.

Let's suppose, just for an example, that someone decided to have a birthday gathering. And they asked people to let them know if they would be coming. It would probably be a good idea, if you think there's a chance that you might flake out, that you shouldn't tell them that you're "definitely coming".

Why?

Well, perhaps the person wasn't planning on having a big party.

Perhaps the person announced the party on late notice, and, when several people said that they were unavailable, was thinking of postponing the get-together; but when a few of his friends said that they'd love to come, he decided to go ahead.

Perhaps the person sat by himself in the bar for an hour.

Perhaps only two people showed up at the bar during the three hours he was there.

And perhaps, perhaps, the boy who was throwing this party, normally a pretty stoic guy, was feeling pretty lonely that day, and just wanted to hang out with some close friends. And their absence only made those feelings worse. We might even go as far as to say that the boy's feelings were hurt.

Perhaps.

29

Do other people find that your birthday gets more and more anti-climatic as you get older?

Today is my birthday, and the phone's been ringing, and people keep asking, "What are you doing today?" And my answer feels boring: "Not much. Ate breakfast, checking e-mail, probably go to the gym, and then go hang out at a bar tonight - come by if you want."

It's so strange - the world (of course) is going on as usual, and yet I always feel a tiny bit different. Why is that?

I also feel different because I am staring thirty straight in the face. That means that, at this time next year, I will officially be a grown-up. (In my mind, at least.) It means I've got to get going on my career. It means that I probably need to make decisions about the ladies.

Thank God that's all a year off. ;-)

See some of you at the bar tonight...

frustration

What am I frustrated about?

- My computer. I've gone a week without it. I've been trying to press the old laptop into service, and tonight is the first time I've been able to get it online. Good thing I got a new one, huh?

- My job. Auditions are finally starting to go the way I want them to (meaning, I'm actually doing well in them) but now it seems like they lose interest the second I walk in the door. Another one of those today.

- My finances. I thought that I had reached the point where I wouldn't have to live paycheck-to-paycheck anymore. My bank account is telling me differently. Turning down that job has had massive financial consequences for me.

- Tonight's Steeler game. Nothing going on offense. On the bright side, it's farther down the list than it would usually be.

- My living situation. I miss living by myself, in a clean place. And the knowledge that I have a swank pad in Cowtown just three weeks away makes it even worse.

- (last one, I promise) This blog. I really enjoy posting here, and having people come by and comment. And then, when I don't post for a week here or ten days here, people stop coming by. I really want to be posting four or five times a week, but when you have to go to a computer store to get online, that kind of makes that hard to do. I may actually start posting my old journal entries, just to keep the flow here.

Hoping that the laptop will be back soon...

cpu issues

It's been a crappy couple of days. I'm actually writing this from the Apple Store on Fifth Avenue. That's because my new MacBook is having massive problems, and they told me that it could take a week to fix. Of course, this happens two days after I get a job that relies on my possession of a computer. Good times.

Wanted to put up a 9/11 post, but I just couldn't deal with it. When I eventually write it, I'll postdate it and let you know when it goes up.

Also had an asthma attack at the gym this morning - that was pretty scary. And it totally impressed my trainer.

Only bright spot is that I'm being taken to see Usher in Chicago this evening. I'll let you know how it is...

alternative direction

Spent all day watching football - the first day of the year is like Christmas for me. What made it even better was that, for the first time in years, I was able to do it with family. I went up to my brother's place in Westchester and we gorged ourselves on pizza and wings and Sprite and football. Good times.

Now, normally, would I feel a little bit bad about spending my entire Sunday watching TV? Yes. Even though I've been a football fan since birth, there's always something a little odd about spending 11 hours in front of the boob tube. It kind of makes me want to run-not-walk to the nearest gym and do crunches until I throw up.

But today was a little different.

I've been hired, on a provisional basis, to write about football by a new website. And not by some amateur effort, either - these guys are honest-to-goodness professional sports journalists. I'm going to do a few trial assignments for them and then, if everything goes well, they'll move me up to the big time. There's no pay in it for me yet, but there very well could be in the future, if things work out the way these guys want it to. And they've got a pretty good plan.

I've really been looking for something creative to do that suppliments my acting income. Writing is something that I've always dabbled in, and it's really flexible (a must, with my schedule), so it was natural to look for something in that area. And to get to write about football? It really doesn't get any better than that.

This won't take away from my blogging (or lack of it, ha ha); I'm hoping that it will actually push me to write on here more often, in an effort to keep the engine warm. Once things get going, I'll post a link to the site, so that you can read my (hopefully) insightful comments.

So, you see, my little football-watching orgy was totally justified. I'm still going to the gym t'm'row (more on that later), but I won't be working off the guilt. And that feels great.

Hope that everyone had a great weekend.

Steelers win!/a weird feeling (not related)

New season, same result. I am a very happy boy this evening.

Just finished writing an e-mail to my old roommate in Brooklyn. Here's the situation: she told me that I needed to pay her for my share of the bills. I paid it online. The money disappeared from my account. Now she's telling me that she never got the money, etc.

She's a nice girl, but my bullshit detector is going off - something just isn't right about this. I'm trying to work through my bank to get this resolved, but I'm refusing to give her another check, because (1) I don't have a good feeling about this, and (2) even if I didn't, I can't afford to. I'm barely scraping by as it is.

Chalk another one up to the heartless bastard! ;-)

Two parties this weekend. I like parties because I don't have to spend money at them. Probably won't be as adventurous as last weekend. I'll keep you posted.

on the road again...again

Another airport post. Ho hum. Second nature by now - this is my fifth flight in the past three weeks. Once I get home, I get to go five weeks without flying. Or packing a suitcase. How exciting!

Went to a friend's wedding in Denver this weekend. I really like Denver. Spent a few summers here. The city's got a great vibe, and I have more friends here than I think. I'd jump at an opportunity to do some work out here - anybody got anything?

The wedding was a lot of fun - I met the coolest woman ever. The bride (my old friend) had been telling me for years that I needed to meet this lady - "Have I got a girl for you! You'll love her!" And, of course, I did love her. I hate it when my friends are right. Another reason to work out here, right?

Also got a chance to hang out with Little Miss Runner Pants this weekend - she was in town visiting an old friend. We went to a "dueling piano bar", which is much more fun than it sounds, and then braved drunken crowds and horny drunk guys (her friend gave out her number twice in five minutes, and we also managed to get some free fries) at a diner.

I drank copious amounts of alcohol on both nights and got about 11 total hours of sleep. So I'd call that a successful weekend.

A handful of random thoughts:

- Thanks much for the kind words of support. I'm no longer guilt-wracked, though I do feel badly. The decision was made for the right reasons, and I try to remind myself of that whenever I think that I'm a jerk.

- Is my football team star-crossed or what? Big Ben has to get his appendix out and is going to miss two games. Crazy. Even though they won the whole shebang last year, I still live and die with this team. Incredible.

- Speaking of football, I watched three episodes of "Two A Days" on MTV yesterday while I was waiting to get pretty for the wedding (I was trying to nap, but it just didn't happen). I highly recommend it. You get the inside look at high school football, plus all of the high school are-you-looking-at-my-boyfriend drama. I'm totally hooked. Just when I think MTV is starting to pass me by...

- My birthday is coming up, and I'm looking for a fun group activity that won't cost an arm and a leg, and also facilitates conversation. Any ideas? Is bowling still considered fun?

i AM an asshole...

I feel like such a shit.

Remember GISS (Girl I'm Sorta Seeing)? I broke things off with her tonight. We've had kind of a funky relationship - opposite coasts for the past eight months. We were never really together (hence the "sorta" label), and I was always really honest with her - about how I felt, what I was doing, if I was dating, etc. People would always ask me about the future of the relationship and I would always say, "We'll see what happens when we get into the same place." Just tried not to worry about it, you know? We'll see what happens down the road.

But then, about a week ago, I had a conversation with her, where she mentioned three things:

1. Her sister felt like we shouldn't be talking, because I was bad for her.

2. GISS would get extremely jealous of me spending time with other girls.

3. We had been doing...this...whatever...for almost a year.


It was the third one that really got me. Here I am, in this quasi-relationship for a year, and where is it going? Do I really want to be with this person? Is she the love of my life? Am I in love with her?

Sometimes, when you start asking the hard questions, you wish you hadn't asked them.

And then, there's this (and no way for me to say it without sounding like a dick): I think she was more into it than I was. And for a while (until last week) I merely took the position, "Well, she's a grown woman, and I'm telling her the truth, so that's on her." But then my brother made an excellent point - if you care about someone, are you really going to do things that hurt them? "If you don't give a shit," he said, "then keep doing what you're doing. But if you really care about her, you probably shouldn't let things go too much farther, if you don't think you're going to end up with her."

She's awesome - she treated me very well, supportive, sent me care packages, likes sports, and...well, I was very happy with our "quality time"...like off the charts happy. But there were little things that got on my nerves, and at the end of the day...she's a great woman, but I just don't think she's for me. So I had to pull the trigger. Which I've only had to do twice before in my whole life - girls normally break up with me. I thought it was supposed to be easier on this side...

When will I stop feeling like an ass?

a good trip

Hello! Anybody out there?

Either my life is no longer compelling (a distinct possibility) or summer has pulled everyone away from their computers and into the great wide open. Which is not necessarily a bad thing.

Back from a great trip home. My brother showed up, too, so all of us were together, which doesn't happen very often. I got to go to a baseball game, see some old high school buddies, and make a couple of work connections. I think there's a decent chance that I may actually get to work near my hometown. That would make my mother's year.

The only thing that sucked was my plane flight home - we were delayed for an hour and a half due to inclement weather in New York. I generally don't mind airports, but I've been travelling so much lately that I just want to get where I'm going as quickly as possible. So I wasn't a happy camper. But I made it back safe and sound, and that's what's important.

I probably should go to bed, or work on the sides for my upcoming audition, but I'm too antsy. I was hoping to go out with a friend tonight, but I think she's probably headed to bed. And I don't really have anyone in the neighborhood that shares the kind of hours I do. (Actually, I really don't have any friends in the neighborhood.) So I guess I'll just aimlessly surf the internet for a while, until I feel like falling asleep. Anyone know of any new exciting blogs I need to look at?

have computer, will blog

I always get excited when there's free wi-fi in an airport. Then I feel like an on-the-scene reporter, giving you a close-up into my life. Unfortunately, it's not all that exciting lately.

So I'm sitting at JFK, waiting to fly home for the weekend. Should be good times. I've got an audition for one of the hometown theaters, and the fam and I are going to go to a baseball game, so I can finally see New Hotness Stadium. The city built it a few years ago, but I've never been home during the summer (this is actually the first summer I haven't had an acting job in seven years, which is a ridiculous streak), so I'm pretty excited.

And, of course, I'm flying the world's most perfect airline, JetBlue. Buttery leather seats, extra leg room, DirecTV...this is how you're supposed to fly. And I get to fly them next weekend, too! Almost makes me WANT to travel. Almost.

Catch y'all on the flip side.

road weary

I realized, while talking to a friend last night, that I've set myself up to fly places two weekends in a row.

There are some days where I just get tired of living out of a suitcase.

shocker!

Went to see SNAKES ON A PLANE this afternoon with my lil' bro.

Um...

Yeah...

Well...

...it was actually good!

Not, like, Oscar good. But good in a popcorn kind of way. Satisfying, if you will. A classic disaster film - you know what you're going to get, and it does it fairly well. It also helped that our audience was fantastic. If you can hear people commenting on the commercials, or actually booing the previews, you are in good hands. It's got to be a group that's willing to applaud when they see the title on screen, and whoop it up, etc.

So...(I can't believe I'm saying this)...I think you should go see it! Seriously.

aftermath (sleepy)

If I could have only posted when I left the house of my X...I was full of insightful comments and remarks. Then came an hour ten on the subway. So, all I have to say is this: we're still going to talk, but not as often, and not about things that will make each other crazy (i.e. our dating lives).

Mostly a good conversation - not contentious, though very sad at times. I guess the worst thing, for me, is that I kinda feel like I want to be in a relationship with her, that most of the problems that we've had in the past have come from (a) insecurity or (b) not being completely honest. And those are VERY hard things for me to admit - especially when the rest of the world thinks that this relationship is a bad idea.

That's all for now - I'm so tired I actually fell asleep on the train. That never happens. More later.

In other news...

...go to www.shaveeverywhere.com - then report back. Funny shit.

blech!

That is the sound of me spilling my guts.

I'm a journaler - a person who journals, whatever. And whenever I write in my journal, I have a little ritual. I look at the date I last wrote something, and then I look at the current date, and then I read all entries in my journal between those dates, in chronological order. Example: if I'm writing today, and I last wrote on July 14, I'll read everything dated between 7/14 and 8/17, starting in 2000 and working my way back to the present.

I do this because it's nice to see what was going on in my life at those times. Sometimes I detect patterns - relationship drama in June, for instance, or money woes in November - and sometimes I feel like I have no connection to the words I wrote just a year or two before. And, occasionally, I may read entries from other dates. Then I make my entry into the journal, and that's that.

Today I received some news concerning my X that, while not unexpected, nonetheless completely threw me for a loop. I put on a brave face, but I was pretty upset. And I stewed in my bad mood all evening - South Park and Drawn Together and Colbert doing their best to pull me out of it. I knew I was going to write about what I was feeling, and I was thinking of writing each emotion on a different line. And I thought, "Hey, I did that before." So I went back into my journal and found that entry - January 4, 2004. Three days after X and I broke up.

And guess what?

The words on the page...matched the exact feelings I was going through tonight.

Which is completely, utterly ridiculous.

This is an excerpt. ( I said I was spilling my guts, right?)

...I guess I'm feeling so many different things right now I can't tell what's valid and what's crap. Just making a short list, I feel:

- sad
- angry
- rejected
- free
- lonely
- unworthy (of love/human affection)
- jealousy
- nothing

I could go on, but I fear the list makes me look crazy...

...I guess I'm just frustrated, because I did my homework. I went back to NY and I partied and dated and hooked up with girls, and now I know that I want to be w/X. And it was hard for me to do all of that stuff, and I beat myself up over it every step of the way, but I did it, and I learned a lot, and I found out the answer. And I finish the exam and hand it it...and when I look back at X's paper, she's barely finished the first question. So am I suppposed to sit here and wait for her to finish? I want to be with her, but I want to be with her now. And if I'm not with her, I have to start getting over her...

...Here's what I don't get - if you love someone you want to be with, why would you let them go? I don't know exactly what X has to do - is it just other guys? - but why can't she do it while she's with me? I'm tired of thinking about this and dealing with this...


OK, it's not an exact match, but it's pretty close.

So, tonight, I decided that, no matter what happens when I see X on Friday, something has to happen. I don't know which direction I'm going to go - but I have to go somewhere. It's been two and a half years of standing still. Inertia. It has to stop.

I've never shared anything from my journal before. Thanks for reading. And, hey, keep it to yourself, all right?

next stop: QNS

Leaving Sleepy Hamlet t'm'row. I really thought about staying for a few extra days - one of my best friends is coming up for the weekend - but I just can't do it. I feel like I've built up a lot of momentum from my time here, and sitting on my butt for three or four days might slow me down. So I need to get back to the city and really go for it.

8 weeks left in NYC. I was supposed to go to a city college and perform and teach, but it overlapped with a job I'm doing in Cowtown at the end of the year, so I turned it down. A reprieve for Queens! Now I need to decide whether or not I should take a job.

Flying all day t'm'row, so you'll hear from me on Wednesday.